Disappointed marriage ended like this. Any experiences of EA?

[Bethankful]

Bit of background....

I've fought hard to grow into a professional well functioning adult after a disasterious neglectful childhood. Met "the one" and married him after several years of dating. His strong personality led us into counselling last year as I felt he was controlling and an expert at using gas lightning with any attempt to make him look at his behaviour. Sessions ended due to work commitments.

Fast forward to this year, I've found out about EA lasting several weeks. We have seperated and gone back to counselling to aid separation before any long term descion is made. The question is can you ever get over a EA? The deciept? The meaningless marriage vows?
The total lack of respect and loyalty?

My head is shouting at me to get out. He won't change! But do we try again just for the children? Has anyone managed to work through it?

He's controlling, gaslighting and cheating on your. Why on earth would you want to stay with him?

You could find a completely new lease of life if you moved on from this man. You will, of course, find more of the same if you don't. It's your decision, but you know he won't change and you don't like him as he is.

Hi. Yes mine has ended after an EA. Only 5 weeks on but my god I m happy. He wants a 4 month break to see if divorcing is the right thing to do but in my head and my heart I know it’s right. Don’t get me wrong I still have times of great sadness and a feeling of loss but really feel I ve dodged a bullet!
Do whatever you feel is right but I couldn’t spend the rest of my life waiting for it to happen again, and I think it probably would.

I suppose MyBrilliantDisguise I see breaking up the family as some kind of failure to the children. I wanted so desperately to have the loving family unit that I didn't have in my younger years that I was prepared to accept the turbulent relationship we had. Being worn down over the years I was pretty much a push over so I feel that he felt he could do whatever and have little consequence. He was wrong. I'm feel very bitter that the marriage vows meant so little to him.

My dad cheated on my mum. They broke up, he apologised, they got back together and he did it again. And again and again.It went on for years and it ruined my childhood so in my personal experience staying isn't necessarily the right thing for the children. You have to do whatever you do for you.

Well done Juststopit, you brave lady. I know I will never forgive him. I feel I deserve so much more. I'm just not ready to say it's permanent yet. Its bizarre.

OP - it’s clear you’ve got issues in this relationship. And if they were to be solved - counselling is the way to go.

As to the EA - and getting over it. It all depends on so many things.
For starters - even the definition for the EA. What was it - messages and flirting? Actual physical cheating?
Does he agree he crossed the line? Or was it all innuendo and hints that can be read in many ways.

You sound hurt and unhappy. And I am sorry.
In a way - breaking up is always an option that is there. And only you would know whether you’ll be able to get over it, but only if you go through that counselling.
Equally - only then you’ll see if he is willing to change.

I felt like that, OP. Even now, years later, I wonder whether I did the right thing. But would you tell your daughter to stay in a relationship like this?

Thank you be. Just tonight my son said to me ‘ it’s ok without Dad here ‘. That to me was a surprise as he always idolised his dad. It’s hard to think of breaking up the family but I would never want my kids to be treated this way or to treat someone they love like that.

Thank you for the replies. So much to think about.