Physically attracted to someone but don't want a relationship

[EvilOverlord]

Apologies, long . . . Really struggling to get my head round what the right thing is to do - the sensible answer being break it off, I think . . . but then wonder if I'm being over-cautious/missing out for no reason.

Trying to summarise as briefly as possible - I'm a year out of broken down LTR, one child (ex has dc 1/2 the time) /lots of friends/work ft/elderly parents needing support, and tbh not really feeling my life is 'missing' anything - apart from sex & some general lighthearted fun.

Met bloke through mutual friend a couple of months back, he's (more recently) separated, definite mutual attraction. Agreed to dip our toes in the water with casual relationship & have been meeting up initally sporadically but recently 2-3 times a week (pretty much whenever dc is with my ex) and messaging in between.

The problem is, I'm really enjoying the sex and general fun, but equally definitely don't want a 'proper' relationship with this guy. We've talked about it and he says he's very up for a FWB type thing, but wanting to back off a bit because he's feeling he's getting too emotionally involved. So trying to keep it much more about the sex, not about going for walks / going out to parties together / emotional sharing (latter has been on his part - I'm not big on sharing feelings unless I've known someone for many, many years or it's an anonymous internet forum).

I'm just worried that given boundaries have blurred already, it just isn't going to work & it's all going to end in tears. But . . . I don't want to give up the great sex . . .

Well you said you just want sex so why are you bothered if it ends in tears for him?

You're just using each other - I find it off putting that he told you he's pulling back and wants to keep things just about the sex though

If it doesn't work I'm sure there are many men out there who would jump at the chance to have a sex only arrangement

"why are you bothered if it ends in tears for him"
Because he's a really lovely bloke (not that I would want to hurt anyone, obviously). But I like him a lot generally.

"You're just using each other"
That's kind of what I'm worrying from my side - is it wrong to keep things going when I really know I don't want a serious relationship. On the 'yes' side he's said he's happy with that, on the 'no' side I have a gut feeling that if I said I wanted more he'd jump at it.

Do you feel that maintaining a FWB relationship with you is holding him back from finding a serious relationship with someone else? If so, I think it would be kind to break it off.

I think you need to keep being honest with him. It’s then his choice to carry on or not. Don’t lead him on or hint at anything more than you can give. Be fair. Make sure he fully understands the situation. If you feel he’s going to get hurt long term end it now. I’ve been on the other end of this scenario but the guy wasn’t honest and now a fantastic friendship has been blown apart

That's totally it NotTheFordType - maybe. He's early 40s, no kids, could totally meet someone and do the whole family thing etc etc. But (a) I feel like I'd be ditching him for his own good - and what right have I to do that, and (b) his life is pretty fucked up in a lot of ways and I suspect actually some positive stuff is most likely a good thing but then (c) that's pretty arrogant of me to feel that way. AAAARGH . . .

Aminuts23 if the guy had been honest, do you think it would have been OK, or do you think there'd always have been a sneaking 'yes but maybe things will change'?

I think we get ourselves stuck with social norms. Always having to commit to moving in etc. Sounds like what you have is a part time relationship which is what I have. We live separate, see each other once or twice a week, short breaks. This is what we both want and are very committed to each other.

If you are both happy with what you have then just enjoy it, try not to project into the future.

jeaux90, in many ways I think you're right, I would really like a p/t relationship.

One thing that makes it kind of awkward is nice bloke is in a very insecure housing/work situation, whereas I've got my own house (which is patently too big for 1/2 time dc + me) / not minted but definitely well paid these days compared to my social circle/past history etc. Maybe these things aren't/shouldn't be an issue but I find it hard esp as he is working stupid hours in a really crap/hard job + working for accommodation evenings/weekends. But obviously he has no expectations, and again I think maybe I'm just overthinking things.

OP to be totally honest I think I would have been hoping for more but I know I would have made the decision to end it if I’d known the truth from the start. The problem was he didn’t show me enough respect to be honest and he strung me along for almost a year when I’d always asked him from the outset to be not play games. It’s that aspect that has imploded our friendship sadly

I've been thinking about this all day (can you tell ) and I think for now I'm going to back off a bit & let him make the next move.

I feel like I have been honest with him - both that I'm not going to commit emotionally right now enough to get hurt (having had someone walk away after 25 years I don't feel in a place to give that sort of trust atm) and also that regardless of that I am not and would not be prepared to be someone's reason to sort their life out.

Having said all that, he's an adult and can make his own choices, so if he messages and suggests meeting up for sex, I probably will say yes.

There is no compelling event here though. I mean you are financially independent which is great and he's not asking to move in or get more commitment so just go with it for now.