Clingy, needy mum - but bereaved

[anotherdayanother]

My dad died earlier this year and I appreciate it is fairly early days for my mum - they were extremely close. Co-dependent really.

I feel very selfish feeling this but here goes. We were never super close in the way some mothers and daughters are, partly because the incredible closeness she had with my dad got in the way of any other relationships she had - even ours.

I understand why she is now looking to me to replace this and feels lonely but she literally bombards me with texts and emails about every tiny aspect of her day. We don't have much in common and whilst I love her and want to help and look after her I don't want to be like this forever. or at all if I'm honest but I'm willing to do it or a while whilst she is particularly getting used to life without him (although I fear she never will get used to it really).

We had a rocky relationship at times and frankly e.g she/ they weren't around for me when I have needed them for various reasons so it feels weird.

What can I do or say to get her to back off a bit - she has made lots of new friends since he died so that does help but she still bombards me and interestingly doesn't with my brother. She lives 5 hours away and is always saying oh 'x has family nearby' all the time.

How sad that you can't really be there for each other at a difficult time. Your mum won't be around forever. Obviously I don't know the details of your relationship but she must really need you right now. Maybe she just wants to get closer to you as she has realised how short life is?

I have to read and run OP but I'll be back later...I went through almost identical circumstances a few years ago so hopefully I can offer some helpful advice!

I hear you. My Mum has also fended anything off lest it upset my stepfather the last 25 years. We had a family holiday a few years ago and stepfather made a really nasty, uncalled for comment towards me. I left the table fuming and stopped talking him. After a couple of days my Mum literally begged me to "make it up with him" as she couldn't stand it and he "was upset" (my arse).

No suggestions I'm afraid, I would struggle too with any new found attempt at closeness. I'd probably make all the right noises and do as much as I could for a bit, but it would feel strange and, for me, unwelcome.

You now need to put mental as well as physical distance between you and your codependent mother. Your parents relationship was never a healthy relationship, it was stifling and codependent.

I would not read her e-mails and texts upon receiving; infact I would move these into a folder where you can read or delete them before reading at your own leisure.

You cannot actually help someone like your mother because she does not want your help or support, she wishes to remain codependent.

Think about your boundaries with your mother and what is and is not acceptable to you. Tell your mother this once and once only and stick to this to the letter.

I went through this with my mother. She wanted me to step in and replace my father when he died. They did everything together. It was hard - they had been together since she was 14, and I don't want to minimise how much she needed him to be there - but I work full time, have kids etc and couldn't possibly be what she needed at the time. Whatever I did was never enough, never could be enough.
I think your best bet is to decide for yourself what you can do willingly, practically, happily without feeling resentful. And then stick to that.

My Mother was like this the first year after my father died. Yes, it was stifling at times, but she'd just lost her partner and was lonely and grieving. It sorted itself out in time. Now is the time for compassion.

Sorry to post and not reply yet...was with dc. Reading your replies now.

Thanks for the replies.

I have definitely been compassionate and helped her through, visited more than normal, was there loads by phone and email through the itnense period. She is of course understandably still struggling and needs help.

And I am of course willing to give that but this is overwhelming, and yes you are spot on those who point out she is looking to be codependent with me now. I do think it is hard for people who have had normal relationships with their mothers not to assume I'm being selfish. I just want to get the balance right.

The situation with my dad was complex in that he probably was my step dad and frankly he always came first for her. He would behave very badly at times towards me as a child - arguably abusively - and she always pandered to him. She was never putting me first although she was loving and caring otherwise and is very sweet so I don't want to portray her unfairly. She is a lovely person but was dominated by him and we were never close as a consequence.

The past is another country and I can largely put this aside but even then, I don't want this stifling live in each others' pockets relationship long term. I feel I do need to gently set boundaries now but don't know how without sounding heartless to her. I don't even have the time, juggling work and kids and my own personal issues of which I don't want to tell her, to reply to her many, many texts a day about what was reduced in price in the supermarket or her friend's friend's dog going to the vet (exagerating) x 100. I just don't want to share that level of detail and she expects now to have me comment on it all and share what I am doing all the time.

I only reply to every other text on average and leave a gap but should I actively raise the issue?

I wouldn't raise the issue as you own your response to it? If that makes sense?

Regarding the texts, can you respond shortly like "Great!" or "Sorry to hear that" so whilst you're not causing offence, you're also not ignoring and it's minimal head fuck for you?

As you are doing, don't feel that you have to respond to every communication. She is wanting "to tell someone" as much as she is wanting a response, so by texting you or messaging you, she is at least fulfilling the need to tell somebody. And try not to read too much into every communication, you might be inferring some guilt at not doing something / not responding but that might not be intended by the message.

It's a tricky situation. I know that my mother went through it when her father died, and her mother was unused to being alone. It did improve for her, my nan rose to the challenge, learnt how to look after herself (at 75 she learnt how to use a computer to talk to her cousin in NZ) and happily thrived on her own for over 20 years.

I'm going to face it too, I think my own mother will crumble when my dad dies and I'll become her main contact point for conversation, advice, anything and everything and my brother will remain the prodigal son without making any effort I don't have a brilliant relationship with her, so it will be tricky, but I'm trying to establish boundaries and appropriate communication levels now that we can continue in the future.

That's reassuring and good advice.

I do often just say 'lovely', 'great' but she just goes on and on. That said, yes she probably does just want to share news and doesn't especially need a big reply. It's little things though like her asking me what I'm doing and I just don't want to be living in each others' pockets that way. I have always been very independent of them...because I had to be...and am not going to change it now.

That said - and this might reassure you eggysmum - overall she has coped a little better than I thought she would.

Well you sound very self-aware OP. I think you are already working through this tbh, regardless of the responses you get on here.

Sorry, she does sound selfish to me. Even in the aftermath of grief, lots of people do not bombard people they have ignored for years with multiple, random texts.

My advice: relate to her on your terms (thats hows she was with you, right?). She doesn't bombard your brother? Interesting? Why is that? She sees you as a "soft touch" possibly, cheek.

Given time, I am sure things will work out.

Part of getting older, and it can be a rocky path, is seeing our parents as they really are. The good, the bad and the ugly.

The best thing to do IMO is to notice your own responses to her communications, take your time in responding, keep your own sense of self (and self-respect), don't be drawn in to her "world" when she has never been interested in yours.

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Especially when she let her husband/your step-father be unpleasant to you.

I'm sure this will settle in time. It sounds a bit like just mundane chatter she might have had with your dad and she's filling the space. However I totally get how stiffling it can feel to be 'stalked' all day. Can you start the day with a cheery, 'really busy day today so don't worry if I don't reply to all your messages.' Then later send one proper response acknowledging her day? She will soon get used to this and gradually the bombardment will cease.

That's a good idea. I would be happier with one sort of round up a day (before he died we would call once a week and maybe email twice!) but at least can limit my replies to once a day. As well as anything urgent and important.

She hasn't a nasty bone in her body but has no EQ. I don't blame her for the way it was during my childhood really. She was utterly dominated by him.

With my brother, I think she just has some old-fashioned notion of daughters being closer to mothers and perceives my brother's work as more important and not to be interupted perhaps...grrrr.

My story is almost identical OP. Dad died when I was young, DM remarried in my teens to a much older man, very old school, racist, sexist, religious fanatic. I left as soon as I could, moved 200 miles away and then did the weekly phone calls / twice a year visit scenario. Like your mum my mum is actually quite a nice person, but she was very weak, he always came first, and I learned not to rely on her or them for anything. Fast forward 25 years, he dies, all of a sudden it's daily phone calls, wanting to be closer, seeming to think we have the mother/daughter relationship that we never have had, hugging and kissing which I'm quite uncomfortable with as there very little of that in my childhood. She then decided she was going to move closer to me (the same street was mentioned!). In the end I had to have a very frank conversation with her to set out my boundaries (i.e. you can move down the road if you like, but please don't think I'll be popping in to see you every day and DH will be mowing your lawn, and we'll be going on shopping trips together. It's just too late. I will of course see you like I always have, but nothing has changed for me in terms of our relationship). I felt awful saying it but nothing else seemed to be getting through.

In the end she decided DB was a better option and moved closer to him, but we're a few years down the line and she mentions occasionally that she should be closer to me, that I will be better at 'looking after' her in her old age, even though I've again stated that under no circumstances will I be caring for her if that ever becomes needed. I think as you say above there is an expectation that because I'm female that it is my duty to look after her, that I should want to. We have a decent enough relationship, but we aren't close and I don't feel I owe her anything in that way.

Sorry, gone off piste there a bit! I think my points are - 1) it does get better with time, at one point I was sobbing to DH after most of the daily woe is me phone calls as I just couldn't stand it, but it's much better now. And 2) I think you do have to set out your stall when the time is right to let her know your feelings on the matter. Grief can be a very selfish thing and it sounds like she's trying to get her immediate need for a 'replacement' met without any consideration as to your feelings or needs. I wish you luck!

Thank you mud. That does sound familiar.

She is sweet but for example on fathers day was saying SHE missed our dad and didn't even think to ask whether we did.

Would it be mean to just say to her that I don't need this level of detail about her life?

Maybe you could just be selective with your responses to her eg reply showing you care but perhaps ignore messages that are too detailed or ones where she isn't actually asking you anything.

Just ignore most of them. I'd only respond once a day. If she pesters you for attention in the day you could text "Busy. Will respond later." Though tbh I wouldn't do that because I wouldn't read any of the messages until the evening then I'd send one reply.

I would send a reply once a day at a regularish time. If you need an excuse say that you cant access your phone at work.

Please don't say anything to your mum.
Grief is a horrible thing and will only sting her at a time when she is probably really struggling.
It doesn't matter how much you fill your day when that door is shut in a night, then there's nobody till you go out the next day or someone calls by.
You say you love your mum, so she never did anything wicked to you. That's good.

I would be so hurt if my dd told me to back off and your mum would too.
She's missing the cosy little chit chats she used to have with your dad and in a way it was good that they had each other so you could get on and live your life.

We all need a crutch in life from time to time. Someone just to give us a leg up when we need it.

Op it's been no time at all for her and she sounds like she's doing really well. She will be missing him dreadfully.
I used to be a bereavement counsellor and we used to say at least 2 years for a really close death...so she's only had 6-8 months, she hasn't got all the first year anniversaries out of the way.

When she's gone that's it.
You don't get another mother.

I miss my mum dreadfully. I'd love to spend one more day with her but I know I was a good daughter to her.
Oh we'd fall out for time to time but never for more than a couple of days. It didn't matter, it was all forgotten.
I have nothing to reproach myself for and you don't want to either.

My Mum and Dad were co-dependent. When he died, it crushed her but she would never admit that. I filled the gap by listening and giving her my children to busy her time with as granny. It helped with the grief. We are not close emotionally but I saw how this broke her, and reacted accordingly. Five years on from his death, she is stronger and I can have a quasi-independent life. She needs to tell me random stuff from her day and I let her...she feels like she still has her family around her, and has an important role in the family...feeding my kids, buying stuff for them and being a surrogate mum. Your feelings about your mother need to be set aside...this is the human being that gave birth to you and lost the most important man in her life. She needs you so please give her space in your life, even if you are not quite sure why.

If it is all very fresh, do grin and bear it. But when a suitable time has passed, I think you can tell your mother that you can't answer much during the day, or before the children are in bed, that sort of thing.

I have had to tell my mother not to ring me at work. I know she resents it, but it was totally necessary. Now that I have, I am so much less angry with her that our relationship has markedly improved.