About to lose everything

[Rainydaycuppa]

I am really struggling. I can't seem to make my relationship work, no matter what.

I will start by saying I have always suffered with depression. I've really struggled at times and DH has been there for me.

We had a baby a few months back. EMCS after a very traumatic labour that did not progress. After the birth PIL were really difficult. MIL came to the house one day less than a week later and said that FIL was no longer going to visit as he had been made to feel unwelcome. This was because of me - I did not engage with him and had said no to him holding baby twice - once when she was settled in bed after hours and hours struggling to get her to sleep and another while I was BF. This discussion turned nasty and I cried and apologised. Said I would make things better.

After days and weeks I felt poorly treated and DH stuck up for me a bit but the relationship has been very strained between me and PIL. They visited once a weekish and didn't do much otherwise which was fine, but my anxiety was through the roof and I felt really judged and on edge. I couldn't help but feel like I had to be peppy and cheerful no matter how I felt and it left me emotionally drained.

I started to close off a lot. I didn't want them around really and they didn't seem to respect boundaries when we asked them not to do things - like distract her when feeding etc so I asked DH not to have them here while I was doing so. We are now at the point that they don't come anymore because they know I don't want them to and DH blames me, but to me it was their behaviour that started all this. They did apologise, sort of, but it felt very much like DH had forced them to and really they felt like I was being precious.

I can't seem to get over any of that. It's caused massive tension in my marriage and DH and I are at the point where we are about to split up. I am miserable. We've just moved into a house I hate and I rattle around all day alone with the baby. No friends or family nearby.

DH has said that I make him miserable, that I have turned him into a liar and that I am causing so much animosity by not being able to get past how I feel about the way I was treated after baby was born. That PIL had done a lot for me before and I need to get over it and I just can't. Not that, I can't get over that he fights for harmony on their behalf but not for me. Does that even make sense? All I have ever wanted was a family of my own and it is all falling down around me.

I just need to talk to someone, anyone really. I am going out of my mind and I am incredibly lonely.

PIL did used to come over and make digs about my parenting or how I treat DH after I was snippy with him once and I am so aware of it that I take everything they say wrong. DH says they don't make digs but I just can't take anything they say as not. They'll come in and comment about how they think baby has lost weight, what needs doing to house etc and it just makes me feel like a total failure. And I feel under attack constantly. I am sure it's my fault and because I feel hypersensitive but how am I supposed to get over that?

Anyone?

I actually doubt that your DH has been there for you at all really and certainly not now when the chips are down.

So your H would rather see his marriage now go down the toilet than stick up for either you or his own self?. His own inertia when it comes to his parents is simply hurting him as well as you and continues to do so. HE has made his own self miserable because he has never been able to stand up for his own self or his own family unit here so uses you as the scapegoat. He is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt and still seeks their approval (approval btw they will never give him) This is not of your doing; you have reacted as anyone would have done.

If he refuses to go to counselling I would go on my own, you need to be able to talk freely in both a safe and calm environment.

Morning Rainyday
You are not going mad, sounds like your DH needs to stand up to his parents and appreciate how you feel a bit more. EMCS is not a minor medical procedure and you are probably physically quite weak let alone all the emotional stuff. Perhaps he can take the baby to visit PIL and you can get some much needed rest. That way you don't have to listen to their nonsense and he gets a taste of what it's like to be alone with a small baby.
Try to get out and meet other Mums then you'll see that many of us feel the way you do - your health visitor can suggest baby groups or local libraries that may have events for parents and babies. Be kind to yourself as it doesn't sound like anybody else is being very kind

To clarify baby is older now. I am recovered from the surgery, I'm not using that as an excuse. I just can't seem to make anything right, to know? Like, how long is too long to be hurt by all that? It feels they destroyed the first few weeks of baby's life by making it so anxious, and I don't know if I am overreacting by still hurting six months on.

You're not overreacting. Your Inlaws were unreasonable, petty and behaved very poorly, never sincerely apologized for it, and continued to make snide comments to your face about the baby, the house, your life, etc. And instead of telling his parents to apologize and knock it the hell off, your DH wimped out and blamed you for his inability to stand up for you and your family. And it will continue to happen until he can set boundaries for you and him and make his parents respect them or refuse to engage until they do.

Your DH has failed you here. Not you. Your DH. At your most vulnerable, he didn't have your back, and now he wants you to forget that and wants you to play nice with people who were passive aggressively nasty to you.

I don't know what to suggest, since it doesn't seem your DH is open to seeing how he has failed you. How he should have been protecting your from his parents when you were so vulnerable and tired, not ramping it up by lying to them (his choice) instead of being honest and telling them they were out of order.

OP - it’s hard to really know what when on and who is right/wrong here. You sound tired and very down. And birth and adjustment to the new baby is difficult even in the normal circumstances. And I am sorry.

One thing I would say - you say yourself you’ve been depressed before. That makes you nightly likely to have had (or maybe still have) a post partum depression.
Some of what went on, some of the anxieties and sensitivities could have been due to that.

And - it will be OK. Baby’s life in the first few weeks wasn’t ‘destroyed’. Baby won’t remember anything.
You’ve gone through a tough time. Which is understandable - lack of sleep; learning to care for the new life; feeling of being out of control a bit. All of these are normal and can make anyone anxious.
You PIL probably didn’t/couldn’t understand that, we are not the easiest people. But they are what they are.
And equally - you are too, and can’t totally change.

So - best thing is to stop blaming them (or you) and find the way you all can communicate.

And one of the ways, i’d guess would be to ask your HV for help. If you have an untreated PND - that can affect everything.

Thanks for the advice.

Josuk - I know it's probably me, I do feel that overwhelming sense of depression. DH has had depression also due to what is going on / problems in our marriage and so I haven't spoken up for mine. I'm worried they will look poorly on us if we both are medicated for depression.

Oh lovely, I want to give you a big hug.

I used to have ILs who were passive aggressively awful to me, OH couldn't or wouldn't see it, and it was really hard. FIL died (I'm not advocating this as a solution btw!) and we stopped seeing SMIL - life became very much easier.

Do your inlaws belittle your OH, or has he been the golden child? There are very standard patterns of behaviour people fall into, and it's usually one or the other extreme. In our case, FIL seemed to get great pleasure out of putting OH down, and OH spent all his time trying to win his approval, which he never got. OH couldn't see this pattern until I'd pointed it out to him. It was really hard for him to cope with.

There are lots of good books people on here recommend to deal with difficult family relationships - I'm sure someone will help in this area. You could also go onto the stately homes thread, although mainly for parent relationships, there's IL stuff on there as well.

In terms of practical ways through this

1. Make your OH take your baby to see the ILs. Set clear boundaries on times and food etc, so you are not anxious. If he doesn't stick to them, he doesn't get to take baby again. However, it keeps the contact if this is important to you for your child, and also gives you a breather.

2. Find some mother and baby groups. Hartbeeps, messy monsters, baby and toddler groups run by churches, swimming, they're all opportunities to get out and meet other people. I know it's hard, but really try and make the effort to talk to other mums. It takes time, but you will make friends. This will make you feel less isolated.

3. What is it about your house that you hate? Location, the way it looks? Can you change anything about it in a positive way? How long have you lived there and is there a possibility to move?

4. What's your work situation? Are you going to go back at some point? I really would if you can, even if you're not working for much - it will get you back to socialising with people who know you.

5. Pre-children friends - can you connect with them, even by email or on the phone if location makes it impossible to meet up for a drink.

In your situation, I would really try personal counselling if you can. The GP will offer 6 sessions if you can't afford to pay for private counselling. Your OH may be struggling to know how to manage expectations on both sides, and you need to find some common ground to move forward.

Hope this is a bit helpful, good luck lovely

Hope that you're ok OP. We could actually be the same person. I've had terrible trouble with my in laws since meeting DH & worse since DS was born. I agree with the other poster that you're being used as a scapegoat, my DH does the same. Everything is 'my' fault, every though I've really tried with them.

I won't bore you with the details but their most recent episode was spreading around lies that I have paranoid schizophrenia at best they're passive aggressive, at worst malicious.

This too is affecting my marriage. It's so difficult isn't it? But if the roles were reversed I would never let family members treat my DH this way, so it's not unfair to expect the same back for you.

I know deep down (& despite what my DH says) I don't deserve this & neither do you.

I don't have an answer for you (or me!) but I'm not happy & this can't continue. It will break us. I'm just trying to focus on my DS & ride the storm, but it's bloody hard.

I too moved from my family & friends (for my DH ) so I know how hard it is.

PM if you wish to.

I've just read the bit about depression - definitely get some medical help here if you can. Who are you worried about knowing you're both on medication, PIL? Why would you every tell them this? It's absolutely none of their business.

I mean more doctors or HV. Worried we will look like we aren't capable of looking after baby. God, reading back this all feels so pathetic. That my marriage is now on the rocks - separate bedrooms on the rocks - because we are both falling the other so massively.

Vegas - thank you. I will PM for sure. Sorry you are also stuck here with me. It's an awful feeling.

OP - nothing about this is pathetic.
You are being hard on yourself.

No one would look hard on you. But you can’t sweep it under the carpet.
Ask for help. Really.

I'm quite certain that GPs have many, many couples who both suffer from depression or anxiety. It's no more a stigma than having any other medical condition.

Please, please seek help. Try to get some counselling and some separate couples counselling. Invest in yourself and your marriage. And try to see the incidents with the inlaws as in the past. Deal with that crap when you feel better in yourself. TBH the in law event sounds a bit blown out of proportion which is understandable in this situation.

Lots of good advice about getting out and making friends and getting a routine which gets you out of the house. It will take time but make a start tomorrow. And if you possibly can, reach out to your dh and ask him to work with you on rescuing your marriage. Having a new baby is a massive life event, possibly the biggest of all. Moving and stress on top of that is awful.

Get to your gp asap and be honest. Help is there.

I have been to see my go today who has diagnosed postnatal depression and anxiety. I'm going to be medicated and HV is going to come and see me to offer support.

I think my marriage is now over however. DH very much of the opinion that I have had an issue and haven't been affectionate or caring for a long, long time. That he's been starved of love and support and he's been getting that with his parents so they are his heroes. I supported him while he was diagnosed with depression but I have to just get over it. Heartbroken.

You carried a baby for 9 months, had an emcs, had to deal with poisonous PIL and your DH's 'depression' - but somehow this is about your failure to love and support him?

Pretty much 😢

I just don't know what to do. He's at his mum and dads no doubt getting love and support and I'm home alone with a screaming baby. It's so bloody hard.

My first thoughts when I read your first post was this, you can't change the past you can only change the future. Whatever the rights and wrongs. You can't change other people but you can change yourself and how you react to them.

But then I read your last post. And I'm inclined to think his parents really are toxic. If they had any decency they wouldn't put him up, they'd send him home to his wife and baby and tell him to get on and sort things out.

OP - it’s great. You made the first step and at least are getting help.
It’ll take time. And I hope the meds’ would help.
I don’t know if your marriage is over. You both at having a hard time. You are depressed and he is unhappy.
Baby is a major shock to a family.
To most families it’s an adjustment.

So - the two of you can still try to work through it. Both would need to try. Him. But you too.

And i’s try, as much as you can, not fixate on his parents. You don’t need to compete with them over your H.
And this constant resentment of them that you are feeling now - part of it is because of where you are now. Because if the depression, things that wouldn’t seem too significant otherwise - seem very important now.
I had PND. I remember how terrible and uncontrollable those fears and anxieties are.
Just hang on there. It will change and lessen. And then go away.

His parents may not be the easiest people. But he is their son. It’s natural that they want to help and protect him.
It’s contraprodictive to a relationship to position yourself against them and, essentially, make her husband chose.