Seriously worried avout Adult DS' working hours

[SensualSue]

Probably the wrong place to post but it is affecting our relationship so here goes. We always struggled financially as a family and I'm sad to say now 26 year old DS took the brunt of it. His DF was out of work a lot and I struggled too. I knew it would affect him and it has. He went to university and got a well paid job probably because he doesn't want to be like us.. But I am worried it is killing him. He works around 70-80 hours a week. Every week. The work seems very high pressured and he's often required to go abroad at short notice. He's desperate to buy his own place and we are in London so costs are brutal. I know he is struggling with sleeping and though he does sports and looks after himself he often seems anxious and preoccupied plus has lost weight (he's always been slim). His father had a heart attack and died in his 40s and I don't want him to go the same way. He lives by himself and all he seems to do is work. I know he wants desperately to succeed and I don't know what to say

I think this sort of overwork is very common in the city - used to do long hours myself. I think it's difficult because in many organisations you have to do it to progress. I don't have any answers but I think an open dialogue where you give him the opportunity to chat about the pressures without appearing to judge his career path couldn't hurt.

Yoga relaxation might help him, if you could get him into that it's a great way to wind down. I'm always trying to get my dh to do it!

Yoga won't relax him enough. When is he supposed to do it anyway? This job is a killer. Maybe once he buys his own place he can quit? Money is not everything...

Some people are just very driven to succeed. My DH works like this and always has done. He regularly leaves the house at 5am and isn't home until about 8 them completes e mails etc at home. He tries to get to the gym some days and get out for runs at the weekend. He doesn't sleep well and st the weekend needs to eats a lot to make up for the fact he doesn't eat enough during the week. He is in his 50s now and unlikely to change.

I don't know that you can do anything about your DS if is the way he is. If you live near enough then invite him home often and make sure he is fed and has a bit of down time. Does he go on holidays and out with friends? If he has some social life I wouldn't worry about him too much.

The first few years of banking or law ( assume it's one of those) are brutal and stressful because you're constantly being pushed out of your comfort zone. However, it's also a way to get financial security very quickly. In banking, unless you're in transaction based work, the hours get way less bad as you move up the ladder. Money isn't everything and I wouldn't advise anyone to make money at the expense of their health but at the same time, if you can stick out the early years, the senior roles in finance can be very rewarding, both financially and intellectually. Also there are a lot of worse paid jobs which are equally as stressful and demanding.

I'm not saying yoga can entirely compensate for rediculously long hours. But a five minute track once a day can be doable and help.

For people working in city careers in mid 20s this is not that unusual and op needs calm dialogue about what the ds can do to improve things in terms of well being . Eg taking his holiday. Trying to have one weekend morning off. Weekend lie in etc etc

As someone who has a DH in law who does similar hours I have to say the hours don't tend to get better with seniority sadly. My DH will be made up to partner next year and all that will change will that we will be able to afford nicer holidays for the two weeks a year he isn't working 70+ hours. I'm afraid there's very little you can do but as someone approaching their 40s who lives with this I have to say, I just don't think it's worth literally selling your life for the money

I totally agree Oh but op can't force her ds to see that? Just open a non critical dialogue about trying not to overwork.

Have you been able to talk to him about how concerned you are?

Personally i think this is very normal when launching your career. Very few people die because of it. As you say his df died but not from over working.

I agree making sure he can talk to you is key. He needs emotional support. And having it from someone outside work can be really imporatant.

But honestly, i worked like this in my twenties. It was manic and high pressured. But i loved it and still look back on it with fond memories. I am now mid 30s. 2 kids, work more normal hours. But in some ways i do miss the all nighters, followed by a few drinks, not much sleep and going back in. I made some of my best friends in those years.

Dont assume its all bad. He is wanting to make himself financially secure. Thats a good thing.

It's been like this for him for at least 3 years now and the thing is he doesn't even like the job he hates it and doesn't seem to have masses in common with colleagues. I think he feels under massive pressure to succeed because of his DF struggling. It seems a joyless way to live. His best friend told me they went away for a cycling weekend to France and DS was quiet and withdrawn the whole time. I'm just hoping when he buys a place he will stop and do something else even move abroad or something. As far as I know he hasn't had a girlfriend albeit he is very good looking and would make a lovely partner. I am worried too he is doing it for me, I have a small income but I manage. He helps out and buys stuff but I don't want him under all that pressure.

I worked in city law, so I can empathise. I'd advise him, if you can, not to buy somewhere that really stretches him, because then he's more trapped in the job even if he wants to leave.