need help - marriage and childhood trauma

[veryconfused9]

dh and i have major problems.
today he told me about his abusive childhood which was very hard.
he never told anyone before.
Somehow conversation changed course and led to some recent events between us. I talked about my childhood abuse. I did get carried away while talking about mine. I realised and apologised to him. He told me he is disappointed.
I really didnt mean to bring the attention to me but somehow it seems I did. He says it's ok this is the way i am.

I am sad and feel guilty because i did feel quite bad for him.

Oh op.
My ex said similar things to me all the time.

I'm sorry. It's gutting.

As someone who has survived childhood abuse myself.. I will say... I never blame a partner for not responding in a "perfect" way to any disclosure I make. Because they are human beings, who don't always have the perfect response lined up to something that might have really shaken them/ shocked them.

You are allowed to make mistakes. I'm not even really convinced your response was that bad - but perhaps my own experiences are colouring that.

You said sorry
Him saying that's "the way you are" is really cutting and cruel. Word for word my ex said same to me. It's so hard because I know with me literally every other person in my life perceives me as a good listener who's really empathetic. Would you say the same for yourself? If so - consider that he may just be being a knob.

thanks bees.
I don't want to give details. I promised him i won't tell anybody.
but his was really really bad. he was very disturbed. I didnt want to talk about mine but after he stopped. we started another conversation and then i started talking about mine.
he thinks i have overshadowed him because this is the first time he ever told anyone. I understand what he is saying. i feel guilty.
i think i am empathetic and good listener. But when given a chance, i talk a lot. Partly because i usually have no one who wants to listen to me.

What a horrible time to one up your partner.

Bad hatter, that’s not what I was trying to do. I spoke much later after he started talking about something else and it led to me.
Dh has been very difficult with me a long time and had made some harsh comments about my family and my past. Maybe at subconscious level I wanted him to know about mine too.
Whatever the reasons, I feel very bad about it. Do had very very bad past. I feel disappointed with myself.

Don't beat yourself up forever about this, ok? That won't help him either. Forgive yourself. Tomorrow is another day. Xx

Thanks beesandknees for your kind words.
I apologised to him again. He doesn't want to talk.
I think I will give him some space.

Is there anyway I can support him? I would never want to bring up this topic again. He is very deeply affected by his past.

I think you should both get therapy. Would he be willing?

He did a few sessions of individual therapy because we were having too many fights. He didn’t want to go for couple. He gets angry over normal things. Like if I brought up an issue or talk about my feelings. He had given me silent treatment for weeks over minor things.
It’s been very traumatic for me. He sometimes admits of being unfair to me. But changes his opinion of me over small things.
Yesterday he opened up about his childhood. He talked about different periods of his life and eventually it came to present. It’s not that I was matching his experiences with mine. I didn’t interrupt when he was talking about his childhood. I knew he needed to talk. He feels quite vengeful towards some people and want to teach them a lesson (non violently). I asked him to forgive them to move on. I was trying to tell him I understand how he feels by telling him something about my early years. He asked me questions and this led to me talking more about mine and at some point, I think I got carrried away. My childhood was pretty messed up too. I wasn’t trying to overshadow.
I would have never felt doh trying to complete if he shared his childhood after I told him about mine.
I don’t know how to support him now. I feel very sad for him to having gone through so much in life but I am also a bit hurt that he couldn’t feel anything for me. I have had a difficult life too. No kids should experience what we both did.
I know dh must be miserable. He said he sometimes gets flashbacks. I don’t want to keep apologising.
I have been going to a cbt therapist. ( I have become quite depressed). He wants me to focus on me. I want to work on our marriage and support him, but dh has no hopes. Dh is leaving for work travel. Is there anything I can do to make him better? Sorry for the long post and thanks for listening.

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells around him on a day to day basis and, please don't be offended, like you have low self esteem. Ok, this was a very touchy subject and he opened up to you, but putting this aside for a moment, you are entitled to an opinion and to express it.

Yes i have low self esteem. Not sure how to change that.

I am trying to understand how others people would have done in my situation. I can't fight back with my husband who just shared extremely painful moments of his life.