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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do they ever leave their wives? I have pretty much broken a friendship over this :(

26 replies

user1499590110 · 30/09/2017 11:11

i've been burned before so i am totally against my two friends (man married) having feelings for each other. i have made this known to my friend, let's call her sandra. she is like my sister and we are totally honest with each other. but this has pretty much fucked up our friendship and i am so sad.

sandra has known a man at work for about 8 months. he's not her usual type (she's attractive, he's a little overweight and i just wouldnt have out her with him, superficial i know). anyway, he has been married 10 months ish, so she knew he was married from day 1. in the last few weeks she was talking about increasingly frequently. me being me, asked her outright if she had feelings for him. she said yes, that they had kissed, that in the last 5 weeks they had spent every evening together, then he takes her home around midnight.

i was shocked, i have had a HORRIBLE experience with an unavailable man, which she knows about, and knows how i feel about it. we had a huge row. she tells me hes told her he doesnt love his wife and that he isnt happy, that they should be happy only a few months into a marriage etc etc. he apparently told her the other week that he needed to sort his head out and that he hoped that if she was still free in a few months, that she would want to be with him.

i know she likes him. ive met him many times and thought he was really down to earth and genuine (before i knew about this!), even classed him as a friend myself to be honest. i told her on wednesday that men dont leave their wives, and he is just using her. she's not spoken to me since.

the problem is that she is not at all the type to enter into an affair. i KNOW she likes him, and from what i can tell about him, i know he feels the same about her. but it is wrong. and i cant get that out of my head. she told me during the row that sometimes people make mistakes and marry the wrong person and that it's not a crime and that what if he is the one who does leave, then what will i think and will i take back what i have said? i said i wouldnt and that i thought it was a terrible thing to do.

i feel awful because i said some horrible things, i wanted her to come back down to earth. but neither of them are bad people. and she is right, what if he leaves and i have lost my friend over this. feeling so shit.

OP posts:

Sadlady77 · 30/09/2017 11:45

I think you got over-involved because you care so much about her and because of past experience. I don't think it is worth losing a friend over. You could just point out that you don't agree with it, don't want to meet her if she is with him etc.

It is possible that he married the wrong person and he is right to say he needs time to get his head together. I would be encouraging her to listen to what he is saying, to have no contact and if he wants to leave his marriage, for him to leave it because he is unhappy, not because of her.

If they are really meant to be together then they can get together when his head is straight and he is not married.

Original poster

user1499590110 · 30/09/2017 12:50

i just think it's a hiding to nowhere and cant entertain the idea of them going along with it like it's ok. this is the longest weve not spoken for in years

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 30/09/2017 12:54

I think you need to stay out of it.

You seem to be saying that you had an affair with an unavailable man but she can't. It's up to her what she does.

sonjadog · 30/09/2017 12:56

I think you should take a step back here. She knows what you think but it is her life and her choice. What you think really doesn't have anything to do with it.

Original poster

user1499590110 · 30/09/2017 12:58

how can i when he will have her waiting and never leave his wife? im not a good friend to sit back and watch that happen

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 30/09/2017 13:00

You are way too over-invested in this. Yes, you may have to sit back and watch this happen. She is still entitled to her own free will, I presume?

sonjadog · 30/09/2017 13:00

Firstly, you don't know what the future holds for them. Secondly, you don't control either of them or their actions, so you can't decide happens.

You are trying to control a situation that isn't yours to control. It won't work. Let them live their own lives.

DameXanaduBramble · 30/09/2017 13:04

She is an adult & you need to keep your beak out. All you can do is be there when it falls apart, she will need you then.

lookatmenow · 30/09/2017 13:05

Back off.

You've gave your opinion.

Be a friend and be there for her if it goes tits up

Stop comparing this to how your affair played out.

Original poster

user1499590110 · 30/09/2017 13:06

some brutal comments here, but taken on board! i'll text her now. thanks for the replies, my mind is definitely clouded by my own experience.

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 30/09/2017 13:08

Those are your experiences-not hers: she needs the freedom to make her own mistakes.

I'm intrigued to know what you are going to text her as a result of this thread?

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/09/2017 13:08

It comes across as he gave her a bit of chat, they had a few nights out and a snog
She has developed feelings for him and now he is backing away slowly.

I doubt she will ever hear from him again unless he wants a booty call.

Original poster

user1499590110 · 30/09/2017 13:10

im going to apologise and explain i'll be there for her but would rather not hear about the details of what is essentially an affair - at the moment at least.

hes not backed off though - hes still messaging her and shes still totally into it.

OP posts:

CalmanOnSpeeddial · 30/09/2017 13:12

But to answer your question, of course men leave their wives for OW. It happens all the time. There are countless threads on the relationships board discussing the aftermath of these situations. Some men do, some men don’t. If she’d been with him for five years and he showed no sign of leaving then you could reliably say “nah, he’ll never leave his wife unless she actually chucks him out”. But in this situation it could go either way.

Original poster

user1499590110 · 30/09/2017 13:13

i know it does happen, but at the same time, it has been a month and hes made no steps to actually leave. but im going to stay out of it and not let my own feelings take over.

OP posts:

TheLegendOfBeans · 30/09/2017 13:19

Sounds like you understandably blew up user and the text you intend to send is appropriate.

You may need to let her go for a bit as she's probably not going to cease with this guy and when the inevitable plops hit the fan it's then that you can be her friend again - properly.

When your chum does something you didn't expect them to abs it seems out of character it can change the dynamic of the relationship. Doing something morally rubbish means it's understandable for you to feel disappointed in her.

springydaffs · 30/09/2017 13:23

I'm with you op. I couldn't stand by while an affair was brewing, or happening, right in my face. Gross.

Call me judgemental, whatever, but I don't want to be involved in that shit, no matter who it is. I would say my piece and then seriously distance myself.

jeaux90 · 30/09/2017 13:56

OP wind your neck in and just be her friend.

A month is nothing. Stop judging the situation by your own experiences plenty of people split and leave for other people. If he doesn't then just help her if she's a close friend.

TheHeronOfHarmony · 30/09/2017 22:35

What jeaux said

paddlenorapaddle · 01/10/2017 04:27

Wow I think you're all being a bit harsh but honest

Does no one else think your friend could have been a bit more sensitive in discussing this with the op given the op's history ? What reaction did she think she'd get ?!??

50/50 you would be wise to not be so over involved in her life and she would do well to be a bit more sensitive

greentea4me · 01/10/2017 05:25

I agree with you OP and I couldn't be friends with someone who had an affair. It would show they had no morals and would leave a bad taste in my mouth. This reflects on her personality. She must be desperate as there is plenty of single men out there, and he must be disloyal and a coward. What a lovely couple to hang out with.

AdalindSchade · 01/10/2017 05:44

10 months ago he loved a woman enough to marry her
8 months ago he met your friend
Now he’s talking about leaving his wife
Ugh, they are a nasty pair. I’m with you OP

SandyY2K · 01/10/2017 07:02

I'd never trust a man having an affair did early in his marriage. No chance.

I don't think your views are wrong OP. I'd find that situation difficult and pull away from said friend.

Marriage is a huge decision...I presume they had a relationship for some time prior and now he's found himself in an affair .... if he leaves his wife good luck to your friend. She knows what he's like.

Your friend doesn't see him as off limits ... to me that means she has no respect for marriage...It will come back on her.

LittleBooInABox · 01/10/2017 08:48

She is an adult and can make her own choices. Besides as a good friend you'd be there to pick up the pieces.

Although rare, it can happen. Depends on the type of man. If the marriage is so awful that he is looking for a way out. Then maybe your friend is the push he needs to realise there is happiness out there for him after all.

Or he's the type who says what she wants to hear, to get into her knickers. Then no. Life at home with the wife is perfect, almost. Maybe a lack of sex in his opinion, and your friend fits the bill.

There is no way you can tell. Let it play out if that's what your friend wants and be there in the end.

springydaffs · 01/10/2017 09:16

Yeah, be there in the end - but not in the middle.

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