How to ease the lonliness

[Meltingsnowflake808]

Hi all, I hope you don't mind me just writing this out to hopefully ease the pain a little.

I feel so desperately lonely at times. I cry a lot. STBXH left 15 months ago after I discovered an emotional affair and he is now divorcing me for my unreasonable behaviour. I have no family nearby, no children, only few friends and none of them are single, they all have partners, families.

It's not so much about going out, hobbies, Meetup etc. but it just sits so much deeper. I hate waking up in the morning to an empty house, I hate going through the day knowing that there is noone thinking of me, I hate coming back to an empty house, no one there to share my life with. No one caring. I'm lucky that i am financially secure and have a house and career I really enjoy, but I feel so empty inside. It's overwhelming at times. People tell me it's getting better, and I laugh and smile and joke about getting myself on tinder but inside of me it looks so different. I am scared to put myself out there. I'm scared to not be good enough, thin enough, funny enough for anymore ever again. I'm scared to never have my own family and to go from one relationship to the next should I decide to date. If anyone wants to date me that is. I know that a lot of this stems from what my STBXH told me towards the end: if I had been better looking he wouldn't have had to have an ea, if I had just let him do his own stuff all the time instead of demanding help in the house/time with him, there wouldn't have been the need for him to go, if I had given him more money to retrain he would still be with me. I logically know that it's all bullshit but emotionally it's really hit deep.

I'm stuck in this limbo of hating to be alone and feeling so lonely but being scared to put myself out there out of fear to get rejected again.

I just hate this.

You have to look at the things that you are grateful for first and these are clearly things to achieved for yourself, your career and financial stability. Plenty of people don't have that and it's great that you do. Good family? Nice friends?

The loneliness is a phase, let yourself feel it. Sounds crazy but it will pass. Try and use your alone time positively. In the morning, put the radio on while you get ready. Or do a little yoga whatever you like. Say yes to anything social or take up a sport. I find exercise really good for my mental well being as well as the physical benefits.

Would you benefit from some counselling? When I split with my narc ex the therapy really helped.

If you are alone at the weekends make sure you set your agenda, get out and do positive things for yourself. Have a project. Invest in your home space.

These are the things I did. I found the first two years the hardest.

Just to add. Getting comfortable with being on your own and independant is the best gift you can give yourself, you'll be less likely to compromise on a shit relationship x

God you sound like me!!
I Second seeing someone to talk through this
I am 1.5 years living on my own and still find it incredibly hard
I realised I really loved having someone to come home to, but this in itself made me stay in a very unhappy relationship for far too long.

Fear of loneliness is a deep seated thing, its hard to get used to being alone.
Therapy is helping, no other great words of wisdom, I just know how you feel. It's fucking hard

Thank you everyone, I wasn't expecting replies.

I've had some counselling but didn't feel it helped. I just talked about things and how it made me feel. And at some point it came to an end as there wasn't really anything else to say. How can it help?

I try to remind myself of all the good things in my life. I just don't know how to fill this particular hole. And the lonliness is at times almost physical. I'm dreading the autumn/winter and Christmas.

A physical pain I mean.

I'm not sure that it stops the feelings, but it's good to have someone to talk to about them.

For me it's uncovered much deeper issues about why I fear loneliness so much, (abusive childhood) took me about a year to get to that point. And even now it's hard to discuss, but I persevered because I didn't want to end up in another destructive relationship whereby I was too scared to leave for fear of loneliness so put up with anything.

Also you mentioned your stbx is divorcing you for unreasonable behaviour. Is there a reason you didn't petition first considering what he did to you?

It's still early days and you need to be kind to yourself.
With winter coming up, treat yourself to a teasmaid or travel kettle in your room so you can have a cuppa in bed to wake up to. And maybe get a slow cooker so you can come open the door to the lovely smell of your dinner cooking for you. Little things like that can make home feel relaxing and less lonely as feels like someone else cooking for you etc. You might already do these but worth thinking about if you don't.

You could have background noise on, maybe music you haven't listened to for years so place doesn't feel too quiet.

Little things can help make a difference.

Other things will follow, things to look forward to help, you could learn a language and book a holiday where they speak it next year, do some professional exams at work or whatever.
You have to build yourself up to believe you are good enough for the next chapters in your life.

Oh and your ex sounds like a loser. Try not to over analyse what he said.
It was his way of justifying to himself why he left. As you say, bull shit.
Fear of rejection is something I struggled with after my marriage ended. But when the time is right you'll be prepared to take risks. You'll be super confident in your ability to stand on your own two feet again if necessary by then and that inner belief gives you confidence.

Would getting a pet help? I lived alone for 10+ years and used the find the loneliness crippling at times. About 8 years in I got two cats. Best thing I ever did.

I never felt lonely after that and the house always felt much more homely. Always 'someone' there and cats slept at bottom of bed etc, lay in bathroom while I had a bath etc.

They made and make my life much happier.

Thanks everyone, some good suggestions there. Unfortunately I can't have pets as I have bad pet hair allergy. I will try though to make my home more homely and do some nice things for myself. I really could do with more exercise and will see whether I could find a regular class at the weekend.

As for the pp who asks why I didn't petition first, I was a stupid and naive idiot who believed that there could have been a way back. I wasn't ready to throw away my marriage and hoped that after some time apart we could talk. He had ended with the ea and had made the right noises for a while so I stupidly got my hopes up.

Your ex was making you a scape goat for his shitty behaviour - that's plain cruel.

You really do only live once, don't spend years thinking you're not worthy, you genuinely are. Step out of your comfort zone, your comfort zone sounds like it's making you uncomfortable because you're lonely ( hope that makes sense). You need to make changes by way of getting out there and dating again. Most women are insecure about some aspect of their looks, personality etc, nobody is perfect. Good luck.

Thank you, cake. Arghh I just need to give myself a kick in the backside. Just finding everything so hard. And I hate how I'm turning into a moaner.

Can I give you a suggestion that might sound flippant but really isnt?

Go on Youtube and search for 31 days of yoga revolution with Adriene. Do Day 1 today.

Oi, less of the beating yourself up.

You've been through a very destabilising time. He mucked you about very badly and, for good measure, planted some poison on his way out. Give yourself a break, you have been deeply hurt.

The profound sense of loneliness is part of that, part of you feeling so hurt. I feel compassion for you, please feel compassion for yourself. Telling yourself off isn't going to help with your healing and restoration - it will stall it.

Look after your dear self

Google Ceroc or Vibe. Don't know if you're up for a bit of a dance but you should give it a go if there's one near you. They are dance classes (modern jive) that you can go to on your own without feeling odd. You don't need a partner and once you learn the basics you can join in. I started nearly three years ago and have made many friends and could now go out five times a week if I wanted. Give it a go if you can OP, might be the best thing you ever do, it was for me!

I hate feeling lonely and get that too sometimes. Tonight for example I am going to be home alone, I have no plans and am in an empty house alone. I could mope about and have a cry and feel sorry for myself. OR I could put on a dvd, sort out things I've put off for a long time, and have a bath and a relaxing evening. If you fill your time with things that will definitely help the loneliness.

Also, exercise is a fantastic way to feel better about everything. I go to the gym a lot and have made loads of friends that way too. So I would definitely recommend doing that. xx

splendid not flippant at all. I love Adriene - did the revolution when it first came out Only do the occasional back pain video at the moment but will take it up more regularly again.

Thank you springy , and oakley I never thought about dancing. I'll look into it.

meo I'm doing similar tonight. Have had a hot shower with lovely smelling shampoo etc and am now lounging on the sofa watching a film, I've also unearthed my crocheting stuff and am looking for inspiration on Pinterest. Oh and I've got a glass of wine.

That sounds lovely hope you have a relaxing evening x

Go girl

Hello ladies!!! Another singleton here.....broke up in March, cat died also in March.....I'm here on the sofa having eaten my M&S meal for one and have worked all day on my new blog post (see blog posts page if interested) ...... I get it. But it's only a stage. Someone always comes along. X