All views welcome even if it is hard to read, I really don't know what to do for the best anymore. Apologies to those who have posted on previous threads, I haven't ignored all of your advice, I just keep panicking that i made a mistake and it's my issues not his.
A bit of background, I have 4 dc, 2 with DH, 2 with exdh. I have been with DH for 8 years, when I met him I had just come out of a very abusive relationship, (not exdh just a boyfriend) I was open with DH at the time and told him what I had been through. DH hasn't really changed, if I'm honest he has always been a little cold with me and my dc at times but on the whole we used to have fun and he would be a practical help around the house fixing and building things. I had very low self esteem at the start of our relationship and would panic and feel sick if he went out with his friends thinking he would see someone attractive and compare me to them (I know this sounds crazy but it was and sometimes still is a genuine fear) he labelled me as being controlling which I can see his point. We have had many temporary break ups and arguments over the years where I do someting like disagree with his parenting skills or want to spend money on something we disagree on, this quickly escalates and he usually ends up telling me to fuck off, he has done worse in the past for example ripping up my college work and throwing it down the stairs, shoving past me when I'm stood in his way trying to reason with him, tried to stop me leaving the house during an argument that the dc witnessed by squeezing my hand so hard I dropped the keys I was holding in it, leaving me at home unable to care for myself after an operation, insisting I go food shopping with him when I had pneumonia and was being sick, he even got cross that I had to leave the supermarket to be sick in the car park. He has told dc mummy is selfish and he has no patience with them, he doesn't give them a chance to explain if he is telling them off for something, he threatens to smack ds age 4's bottom when Ds gets angry as he is not being heard (he doesn't actually smack him) the list is pretty endless!
I left him last year, he made me see my faults and I took him back. Since then things have been better, until recently, he has started falling back into his old ways, but picking at me and dc, he said he feels like I don't care about his opinions on how the dc should be parented or anything else, the phrase he keeps repeating is that I do what I want when I want and it's middle finger up to him. His reasoning for feeling like this is I have discussed with DD aged 10 what she would like for Christmas and not involved him in this, I was driving us home from a BBQ and needed fuel immediately, I was surprised we had made it to the petrol station, he said he needed the toilet and told me to get it in the morning instead, I explained I didn't think we would make it home and back again, so stopped for the fuel, I had taken my shoes off to drive as they were heals and were hurting my feet, i went barefoot to pay. When we got home he demanded the keys and went t the toilet, he didn't help with the dc and then told me I didn't care about him, this is the last straw and I'm selfish, it's all about me, told me to fuck off infront of dc. He hasn't spoken to me since, this was last Sunday.
He started buying a flat earlier this year when we were separated, we got back together and decided to go ahead with the purchase as we do not own any property and it would be a foot on the ladder, the flat is in his name only, it needed total renovation which he has been working really hard on, I have helped when I could around work and the dc, we have struggled financially as I have been paying everything for the family home and usual expenses childcare food etc and he has paid for everything for the flat. It has been stressful as we haven't had much time together.
Sorry it's long but any advice would be very appreciated