Is being a parent just not 'in' some people?

[Sickofthisalready]

Just that really. My DS has the world's most poor excuse for a father, and I am struggling to comprehend how someone can not want or need to see or support their child.

He left in Feb and subsequently lost his job/house share. With all that time on his hands I thought he'd at least be able to dedicate lots of time to our 3 year old and help me with nursery pick up/drop off, as I work and have a fairly long commute.

It appears I was wrong. His social media is plastered with all the lovely days/nights out he's having even though he swears to me he doesn't have a penny to his name. In the last four months he has given me £140 in total, towards the £2,600 a month it costs to pay all of OUR bills /nursery etc (that's without food/anything to live on) . I am paying all of this every month.

He has only seen DS twice in the last month.

How do people like this live with themselves? I simply don't understand, and this is creating a huge amount of anger and bitterness that I do not want to carry around?

He sounds awful, you need to get proper arrangements in place about him contributing but your outgoings do seem high too, you may have to reassess if he's only going to pay the minimum he has to

did he actually want to be a parent in the first place? Many people don't.

Sooper - Until he gets a proper job I can't force him to pay anything. He's obviously getting cash in hand from somewhere, but I can't prove it. I refuse to sell the house as it's my sons home, and he's been through enough already.

Silver- good question. DS was totally planned, and he was a half decent dad for the first few years. Saying that he has a 10year old he's never even met (or wanted to). Maybe that was a red flag I shouldn't have ignored

My ex said he liked the idea of being a dad but not the reality.

Some people cannot handle the responsibility. They tell themselves the child is being well looked after or is better off without them - this is how they justify it to themselves.

The fact he had a child who he did not see is a major red flag and any woman who ignores a indicator like this is foolish. He won't change for you; you aren't more important; his child with you won't be more important.

People rarely change.

It is best to accept your status as a single parent. Focus upon accepting you made an error of judgement and that in the future you may we'll meet someone who is a great role model for your son.

I would give your ex one last opportunity to stick to a regular contact schedule. If he can't or won't then I would say see you in court mate.

Don't tell your son his father is coming - instead agree that he will text you one hour before contact to confirm he is coming - only then do you tell your son.

If there's no text there's no contact.

I guess parents come in theee main categories, good enough, poor or actively abusive. I don't understand the walking away. I guess it is about putting his own needs first. Always.

I realise now that it was a huge red flag. And stupidly I did think it would be different with us. I believed all the stuff he said about how awful his exw was.

I didn't know she was pregnant when we got together, I only found out when the CMS wrote to tell him.

I gave him one last chance this week and he swore he'd see him a minimum of 3 times this week. So far he's seen him once. I learned a long time ago not to tell DS his dad was coming.

Will he ever regret the way he has treated both sons do you think? And regret missing out on watching them grow up?

Stop forcing contact. If he wants to see his kid he will. In my experience sometimes is better for the kid if these assholes do disappear. They have no sense of consequence and a huge sense of entitlement. Don't let him off the maintenance. Are you managing ok financially?

Oh and my dd hasn't seen her dad for six years. She is 8. She is absolutely fine x

Sounds like my girlfriend's ex. It was really important to him to 'sow his seed' but had zero interest in raising them - would usually find a reason to be out, then reappear just as the kids were in bed, often with a bottle of wine and then be confused as to why she was too knackered to want to have some 'couple time' with him!

He does his EO weekend and is ok at the Disney Dad thing. I've lived with my girlfriend and her girls for a year now and he even seems to like me on the basis that I'm doing the 'effort' part of having kids for him!

He's told my girlfriend that he expects me to take off soon because no guy can enjoy this kind of life. Personally I've never felt so complete and full of purpose and reward.

I think it is uncommon that people really aren't capable of being a parent to the children they have...

What is more common is the people who choose not to be a parent to children they already have. It sounds like your ex is in this category and it is the most frustrating to deal with TBH.

But there isn't really anything you can do.

Whether he wants to be a parent or not is pretty irrelevant, he has two children, they already exist. He's justness one of those wasters who feels entitled not to bother with them and yes he will have to tell himself things like 'I never wanted kids' and 'they are better off without me' to avoid feeling guilt...

I thought my ex was one of them too but he was later diagnosed with BPD (his father is one of those and he even lied about having cancer to be able to get out of being a parent, his mother is an alcoholic who even went as far as selling her home to be able to keep buying booze I suspect why he has BPD) and I have decided actually he is probably one of the rarer 'isn't capable' people...

My Dad was largely absent when I was a child. Not entirely but not very involved. When my parents split he pretty much abandoned all pretence that he wanted me. Told me I was not planned which my mum was very upset to hear and says is not true.

I see him twice a year. He doesn't bother with his grandchildren beyond a tenner in the post for birthdays if he remembers.

The sad thing is that he went on to marry a lady with three older children. Who he is great with, spends time with, would do anything for. So it is "in him" just not for me.

I have been told they will get an inheritance and that I will not. He doesn't know me well enough to know that I couldn't give a fig about this.

Jeaux90 - I wish he would disappear, but I just feel awful when my little boy asks if daddy can come and see him. Do you think once a fortnight does more damage than not seeing him at all? What did you tell your DD if she asked about daddy?

I'm so torn as to whether to just accept it and let him see DS when he can be bothered, or whether to tell him to take me to court if he ever wants to see DS again.

I keep trying to get him to care, and thinking one day he will snap out of this and realise the damage he's doing, but I know in my heart of hearts that won't happen. I almost feel like I owe it to DS to do everything I can to get his dad to care and love him 😟

Sick - I think the best thing you can do is accept the reality of him (rather than trying to make him change) and help support your dc with acceptance and creating appropriate boundaries that will set them up well for a lifetime of having him as a father.