How important is it that OH attends events?

[kittydetective]

I’m sat here having a total wobble on my relationship.

I would like opinions on how important it is to you that your OH comes to events with you. I.e friends birthdays, dinners ....

Previously single for A VERY long time so I am used to doing everything on my own, so whilst I am more than capable of going to such events on my own, now I have a partner should they come with me?

I’m a bit lost on this one and would really welcome opinions

My husband will attend some things but not others (and vice versa). If we feel something is really important we ask the other to come if not, they don't.

Depends on the event. My friends/work? Go alone. Our friends? Go together. But most things I go on my own because I'm more sociable than he is. We've been together 25 years and it works for us.

I have absolutely zero interest in hanging around with dh and his mates for their birthday celebrations. I was never their friend independently of DH. I see them occasionally.

I have a social life with my friends. And no I do not invite DH he would be uncomfortable and it would be odd for everyone.

Then we have mutual friends who we have met together as a couple and we enjoy celebrating things with them.

I think this is pretty normal?

I understand your wobble, but it really depends on your personalities. My DH is something of a social pariah. His family are the dregs of society different to mine and he has grown up with every wedding/party etc turning into a fight which people fall out over for years. My family, by comparison are like The Waltons with more booze. So he'll come with me to the big stuff, e.g weddings, but will often bow out of events like parties, big dinners with friends etc. We're fairly good hosts though so regularly have people at our home because he is better within that comfort zone.

We both have very different ideas of fun too, e.g tonight there's a local disco which I am going to with friends. This is the type of event which he would hate, so I'm going and he's not. No big deal.

If it's EVERY event or around certain groups of people I would be upset. Otherwise I'd chalk it up to experience and relish going out then getting to come home to my DH and not having to do the painful single life any more.

Don't there's a right/wrong or normal here. Think it all depends on personalities & the events themselves.

Another thing to consider is what a ball ache it is when a female friend hooks up with a bloke and starts dragging him along to nights out. Awkward all round.

Depends. But if you want him to, he should, all other things being equal.

Yeah it does depend on what works for you but you asking about it here indicates that what's been happening doesn't work

My boyfriend comes to big events with me like weddings and family parties. I go to his too.

We socialise as a couple quite a lot as well but I also see my friends separately

Your partner should go if a) they've been invited b) they want to go to the event in question c) you want them to go to the event in question

I agree, depends on your personalities and what the events are. I go out quite a bit by myself, or rather with my friends, I'm not Billy no mates! But sometimes we'll attend things like bbqs or parties together.

I wouldn't want my husband at my friends' birthdays... and I wouldn't want to be at his friends'.

There are some things where going as a couple just isn't necessary. You're two separate entities, and it's important to remember that.

Interesting, I feel far more comfortable now.

At 40 I have a good set of friends / work life & DS friends mums etc

There is no problem at the moment I am just doing my usual wanky “what if insecurities”

Reading your responses it’s probably where I have gone wrong in the past 🤔

I hate myself for my “wobbles” it’s all the well what if he doesn’t come? Or what if, what if?

Arghhh

In fact ... I’m a twat. Why should he come to something of my friends that he’s never met before?

Whilst I am happy to go to anything, we are not the same, I am very sociable.

and he is amazing

Dh comes to things with me if he's invited and if he wants to go.

Family things we do together unless we have prior engagements.

It really depends for us. Family things we do together. I go out with my friends, he goes out with his and we also have mutual friends (as well as friends from our own groups with their partners) who we'll see as couples.

OH always wants me to come to his friends birthdays etc. Sometimes I go, sometimes I don't but to be honest most of them really aren't my cup of tea. If it's really important to him, like a wedding or significant birthday and he wants me there I'll go. As we have DC now normally it's easier for one of us to stay home than organise childcare anyway.

In the early days of relationships I would probably expect a bit more effort though - as long as it's a couples thing not just a night with your friends that he'd be crashing. When we were first together I always used to go to everything - that's how I know that generally I don't enjoy these people

"In fact ... I’m a twat. Why should he come to something of my friends that he’s never met before?"

Why shouldn't he if you would like him to?

I stopped taking my ex to gatherings of any nature as he would sit there all night with a face like a slapped arse not speaking to anyone which ruined every social occasion for me.

There's a balance to be struck. He shouldn't have to come to every single thing if he doesn't want to. On the other hand, for most people certain events come along that you really don't want to have to go to alone (eg weddings, work events where you know everyone is bringing a partner) and if you're with someone who consistently refuses to go to those things (I'm not talking about being ill for the odd one) then it makes life a bit miserable because you feel you're not being supported as you might like from a partner.

I knew someone in this position where there was a big imbalance because she went along to stuff he was interested in, but he always refused to attend important things of hers because he said he wouldn't enjoy them. She got tired of always being the one who inconvenienced herself when he wouldn't.

If someone really wanted me to come to something I would go. Because it's obviously important to them
If it's something you feel strongly about I think they should make the effort
My ex never went to anything, it made me so sad that I couldn't share anything with him, I would see other couples and think, why couldn't he make the effort.

Some people don't care about being accompanied, but if you do then there might be an issue if it's all the time

Also to add, though I am single now, I don't think I could ever go out with someone again who wouldn't support me in that way.
It's important to me.