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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lies and debts

21 replies

Ifonly4oneday · 30/09/2017 04:21

Been with father of both my beautiful boys for 7.5 years. I am also step mum to his beautiful daughter. I don't wish to refer to him as DP as I feel nothing but hurt and disappointment.

From day 1 it has been hard due to his previous background, bitter EXW (left him for another man but couldn't accept he had moved on) his large amount of debts (which I was in the dark about over the first couple of years) he had to go bankrupt in the end which left us in a bad position and couldn't get a mortgage. My parents have kindly purchase a house for us to rent from them until we're in a better financial position to pay them back and purchase house!!! He has since managed to get himself into debt of 4.5k (which I found out yesterday by seeing a late payment fee statement! He's never going to get a mortgage now which leaves me n day kids in awfulf postion!
Im so angry and fed up!!

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 30/09/2017 04:27

What does he spend money on that gets him into debt?
Is money and mortgage the only issue? How is he with you and the kids otherwise?

Original poster

Ifonly4oneday · 30/09/2017 04:38

There's been other things like constant lies about meaningless things and taking drugs with his friends on the odd occasion which is a disgrace as he has a health condition which could be fatal if taking drugs.

I will admit he is a good dad and he try's to please me all the time which I think can be a lot to do with the lies etc.

I asked to see statements yesterday and from what I can see it's just debts that's accumulated over time, £10 or )20 here or there, breakfasts, lunches etc, now the interest is what's making the debt so high. I feel sick.

I found a statement of £950 2 months ago and he was on sofa for 6 weeks as I waiting on him getting another home from council but I just wanted a stable family for the kids so we have been trying again and having date nights etc and I thought things were going well and found this statement yesterday with 3.5k. So more lies, more debt, I just can't see me getting over this now

OP posts:

Original poster

Ifonly4oneday · 30/09/2017 04:45

I just feel it's a constant battle, but feel it wud b a battle if we separate too.
I'm a student and took on a weekend job so I can make sure our kids have a good Xmas and now I feel it's all gonna go on these debs or there going to have a Christmas With mummy n daddy separated, breaks my heart

OP posts:

Glastokitty · 30/09/2017 04:56

This man will always drag you down, you will never be able to trust him or have a stable life with him. And he isn't a good dad either, by any stretch of the imagination. You would be much better off on your own, at least you would know where you stand financially and wouldn't always be waiting to find more debt, ore lying, more misery.

Original poster

Ifonly4oneday · 30/09/2017 05:13

Thank you, I think that's what I need to hear TBH. I agree he is not a good dad as he is being selfish by taking drugs and getting into debt and actually, he's very hands on, helping around house, kids etc but he has no inspiration when it comes to teaching the kids how to ride a bike, swimming, anything meaningful!! It just makes me sad!! It's going to be so hard seperating though, I also worry about what he will turn into if we split and who he would end up with as all of this affects my children's well being.

OP posts:

Changerofname987654321 · 30/09/2017 05:23

A good Dad and Mum ensures their children are financially well cared for. They don't take drugs if it means getting into debt.

ButteredScone · 30/09/2017 05:46

You can do better. However, I think you are right about your DC getting the chance to have a stable family.

I reckon you need to get him to couple counselling. If he won't go, there's your answer. Counselling really is worth the money - a lot cheaper than divorce and it may save you £££ if he mends his ways as a result.

Original poster

Ifonly4oneday · 30/09/2017 05:48

That's true, he shouldn't be taking drugs full stop.

OP posts:

Angelf1sh · 30/09/2017 05:49

So in two months he's racked up £3,500 in debt? That's way more than £10-20 here and there on breakfast and lunch. Even £20 on breakfast and £20 on lunch everyday for two months doesn't add up to that. He has a serious problem he's not telling you about (probably gambling but possibly his drug use is more serious than he's letting on), you need to talk to him about where this money is really going.

Angelf1sh · 30/09/2017 05:52

(And you don't go from £950 to £4,500 debt in two months because of interest so he's definitely still spending despite your anger)

Original poster

Ifonly4oneday · 30/09/2017 05:53

Thank u. Yes I have previously looked into couple counselling. I just feel it's never ending. 😩

OP posts:

Original poster

Ifonly4oneday · 30/09/2017 05:57

Oh it was a different credit card Angel, I should have made that clearer. Yeah I thought the same, there possibly is more to it, I cud only look back 6 months with of statements. The Apr is 39.9%

OP posts:

Original poster

Ifonly4oneday · 30/09/2017 05:59

Oh but yeah the last payment was on sept 17th so I see he's still spending but it turns out that all money he has is paying credit cards and a lot of its interest as I could see payments he's made

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 30/09/2017 07:38

Are you starting to see why his XW was bitter about him moving on?
Bet she was saddled with some debt (or reduced share of assets because they'd been depleted by his debts) when they divorced.

I expect she could tell you about going through what you are now, multiple times.

So - the house. As it belongs to his parents, will they let you carry on renting it if you divorce him? You need to sort out your housing and finance options.

Fishface77 · 30/09/2017 07:44

Get rid.
You will never make a life with him.
Your parents have bought the house hopefully that gives you security.

Santawontbelong · 30/09/2017 07:52

Sounds like my ex. .
The night I found out all this shit I told him to leave the next day.
And I filed for divorce.
Not seen him since that night. . Not once.
Like a humongous weight lifted. .

Ellisandra · 30/09/2017 07:56

Oh it's your parents that bought the house?
Fabulous.
Glad it's in their name.
And yes - get rid.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 30/09/2017 08:48

Talk to your parents and get rid.
He will always pull you down...
Agree with Ellisandra

Well rid
Life is short ..

Being happy in oneself is better

WatchingFromTheWings · 30/09/2017 08:52

It won’t get better. My ExH went through a cycle of extending overdrafts, maxing out cards, then taking out loans to cover it, followed by extending the mortgage to cover everything. Third time the mortgage was refused so he took out a secured loan (secured against the house). He took out more cards behind my back and secret online loans. I got saddled with 50% of the debts when we divorced. It affected my credit for years.

Just get rid and be glad you’re not married to him!

DianaT1969 · 30/09/2017 08:53

Does he work? Spending more than he earns? Or is his i come not enough to support you and the kids too. If you stay with him you need to look at all income and budget together. When do your studies finish? Does the course lead to a well-paid job? Whether you stay or leave him, it looks like you'll need to support yourself financially.

The APR on that credit card is high. Perhaps because of his bankruptcy and credit score. He should get advice on debt consolidation and moving it a lower APR and then cut up all credit cards.

Happinesssssss · 30/09/2017 09:25

Are you married? If you are considering divorce, get legal advice first re the finances including debts you might be responsible for.

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