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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We never see each other

15 replies

Daisydot123 · 29/09/2017 23:53

Opinions please.... never posted before but driving myself mad.
My fiancé is always out. I'm very lonely. We both work full time in busy jobs. He also has many friends and I have fewer, I'm less interested in going out drinking since turning 30 - I just don't enjoy it anymore. He was out last night with some local friends got home at 10pm, he was out the night before for drinks with work, got home after midnight and he is out again tonight with a friend. Sometimes when he goes out he goes to bars and clubs and is not home until 5am. He doesn't drink huge amounts. Tomorrow he is out with his cousin in the evening ( who has been having issues so I'm basically not invited). We rarely go out together unless I'm tagging along to his family events (which there are lots of and they are boring). Everything we do is functional. It seems he goes to these nice bars and interesting places with others and I just sit home alone, He is genuinely very busy but I just feel bottom of the priority list.

I had a missed miscarriage earlier this year, an unplanned preganancy although using the withdrawal method so I assumed that if it did happen it wouldn't be a big deal. However he was Cross and said he thought I had tricked him (I'd been taking folic acid on doctors advice as we'd agreed to start trying in the next year so he thought I'd done it intentionally but I have irregular periods so was genuine mistake). He was glad when I miscarried and whilst supportive the day I had surgery he has hardly asked how I feel and although said he wants children and we should try again next year, he said the same about trying two years ago and I'm worried that I'm getting older and he is just making excuses. I'm starting to question if we should have children at all and if I should cut my losses now

OP posts:
PressForPancakes · 29/09/2017 23:57

He was glad when I miscarried

Shock

You deserve so much better, and I think you know it. What sort of position are you in? Do you live together?

userxx · 29/09/2017 23:58

Why are you with him? You sound miserable and he sounds like a dick. Move on to someone who appreciates you, he clearly doesn't.

SandyY2K · 30/09/2017 00:03

This isn't a healthy relationship. Being glad you miscarried and accusing you of tricking him is really bad. Marriage would be very unwise.

Original poster
Daisydot123 · 30/09/2017 00:07

Thank you all. Yes we live together (have done for 5 years). I have another flat which I rent out - we are very lucky financially so money isn't a concern.
I feel very confused as we do have some lovely times together mainly when we are at home together and he always says how much he loves me, that I'm special etc.

OP posts:
PressForPancakes · 30/09/2017 00:22

It doesn't sound loving to me. It sounds like he wants to be a single man while having the perks of a relationship when it suits him. A miscarriage is a traumatic and potentially life-threatening event. I am still Shock for you that he was 'glad' it happened.

LuckLuckLUCK · 30/09/2017 00:43

Are you saying you want to be married to this man for the rest of your life?

Seriously? Confused

Original poster
Daisydot123 · 30/09/2017 00:48

Hmm... I guess when you all put it that way I feel a little insane.
It sounds crazy but the thought of starting all over again terrifies me, I'm outwardly confident but I really struggle meeting new people and most of my friends are married with kids and live a few hours away (hence why I'm always home alone).
I wouldn't want to move as would have to give up my job which I really do enjoy.
I feel ready to settle down and have a family rather than single - all this online dating stuff sounds awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisydot123 · 30/09/2017 00:49

And he's still not home at almost 1am...

OP posts:
bear28 · 30/09/2017 00:54

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage and his awful response to it! Your fiancé should be involving you in his life. My partner never goes out without me (completely his choice) when he's home from work as he wants to spend as much time with me as possible (he works away) I only had a few friends and he has loads, they are now all my friends. I think it's worth speaking to your fiancé about all of this but if you want me to be blunt, you are better than this and deserve better. Imagine what it would be like when you have kids.... would he still be out all the time with his mates? Is it worth it in the long run?

beesandknees · 30/09/2017 00:55

Online dating is significantly better than being with someone who was glad when you had a miscarriage. And got angry with you for getting pregnant.

Just saying

Original poster
Daisydot123 · 30/09/2017 01:01

Thank you bear28. It's nice to hear that you've made new friends through your partner. My issue is that mainly his friends don't bring their wives/girlfriends when they go out either but I suspect they don't go out as often.
I think I'm struggling with the miscarriage more than I thought, whilst I understand it is common it plays on my mind a lot. I have polycyclic ovary syndrome and so felt so lucky to have fallen pregnant and very scared about waiting until I'm any older (34 now). I've also just helped a friend through an abortion and whilst I wanted to be there for her I found the whole thing difficult and he didn't once ask how I was coping with it all. I'm a very pragmatic person but not made of stone, I think he thinks it's all sorted now and we should just go back to normal.

OP posts:
nappyrat · 30/09/2017 01:08

Daisy, a life with hope of something better is far far better than a life like this where the future looks grim.

Being with no one is so much better than being with someone who doesn't make you happy. At least then you have hope & opportunity for the future.

I appreciate you want a child, but having a child on your own would be very very hard (I know, I do), and if you're this unhappy without a child, adding one to this awful mix would make you even more unhappy in my opinion.

If this were me I think I would think really hard about whether this man is right for me & consider some time back in my flat to consider separating.

nappyrat · 30/09/2017 01:09

Flowers sorry for your miscarriage

Original poster
Daisydot123 · 30/09/2017 01:11

I think I probably need to tell him how I feel, which is hard to do with someone you hardly see....
I have told him before about feeling low on priorities but not really about the miscarriage stuff

OP posts:
nappyrat · 30/09/2017 01:16

Yes talk to him, sure. But I would also consider having some time apart. You might be surprised of the sense of relief! And it makes the decision less scary because it's temporary. It also sends him a strong message that this isn't working for you.

You'd be amazed how you can make friends when you need to'

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