Men

[Itsallveryodd]

So I'm new here, I've had wine for courage and I think now I've joined I might post a lot....
Been with my fella for 5 yrs (feels like forever, feels like five minutes) feel blessed to have him in my life.
I had horrid relationships before him, like manipulative, bullying, down right nasty pieces of scum.
This one, he's a catch, he's my world, he's just someone I never thought would exist in my life.... which makes me doubt that it's all too good too be true.
When all you have experienced is lies, crap, bullying, cheating, nastiness, and stuff you're not even able to work out...... how do you truly trust again.
I drive myself mental doubting this man that has stuck by me is somehow not the man I think he is (I DO THINK HE IS) the one. We've been up, we've been down, we've been all over the place, I just don't think I'm strong enough to believe in forever....... and I don't want my past to ruin what I have.

As long as he treats you well and you are happy that's all that matters.

Well he's lasted five years? He would have shown his true colours by now if he was Mr. Wrong surely. Just try to relax and enjoy what you have (I know that's sometimes hard though).

I know, I do try to comprehend that...just seems the longer we have been together the harder it gets (and that doesn't make sense)

I think you've set yourself off on the wrong foot by not dealing with this before you got into another relationship TBH.

Being in another relationship whilst dealing with this means it is likely either this relationship will get messed up by it/you will get stuck always feeling worried...

It isn't right for someone to be your 'world' and there isn't any such thing as 'the one'. I think rather than worrying about what other men have done to you and clinging to this man tight you would do well to really focus all your effort on you.

I don't mean that to be nasty!

I just think being in horrible relationships can result in two big things; 1. That you always feel worried men are going to hurt you and can never relax and 2. If a man comes along that isn't like the horrible men you cling so tight you strangle it or you miss that they are in fact horrible too, just less horrible than the others.

Have you done the freedom programme?

I would think it would be good for you. Also treating yourself well, finding out who you are, giving yourself gifts etc

I kind of get where you're coming from, I do get all that. What I'm bothered about is that I was so much less messed up about being in a relationship in the earlier days.
The longer we have been together the less secure I've felt.
I took it slow, I think he's had many more partners than I, I know he's had a successful life, but also experienced the lows. He is if I was asked to describe my perfect man, it would be him.
I am down on myself for many, many reasons whereas when we first got together I was building myself up, learning about me, not too concerned about if I was making him happy (I think I was more concerned that he was to make me happy) obviously I'm in a relationship you have to make each other happy and I think my worry, doubt and insecurities now come from me completely doubting I can make him completely happy. And I want to because I love him.
After 5 years surely I should of settled. I shouldn't feel so on edge.
He is aware of this, he is supportive....I feel like I'm going backwards. I know it gets him down.
After all this time I just want to breathe and not let my head go to ridiculous places and concoct scenarios that I will then take out on him.
After all this time i should be able to breathe. To be able to trust and nourish our relationship.

I don't have much advice OP but if it helps, I have found myself feeling - I wouldn't say less secure - maybe more vulnerable, now that I am in a really happy, really respectful/peaceful relationship.

For example during PMT a few months ago, I found myself crying about a weird scenario I had dreamt up that DP had died and I was grieving his loss and it just scared me so much to think of losing him. It would absolutely shatter my world. Would I recover, yes, but it is almost unbearable to think about.

Whereas with my ex, sometimes I was so stressed and miserable in the rs that I (to my shame) would fantasise about him dying I had so much less fear of loss of that relationship. In a way, I was less vulnerable then, than I am now. I could keep ex at a distance and not have to fear loss nearly as much.

Sometimes when you are really happy with someone, a lot of deep seated feelings may start to come out because you finally feel "safe".

At the start of my current relationship I was very much take it or leave it, very breezy and blasé, it was all good fun. Now I love him deeply and it's so scary. At times I have to give my head a wobble for sure.

Again, no advice, but perhaps some commiseration.