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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Sister... advice please

20 replies

SugaryBits · 08/04/2007 09:29

My sister and I have always had a, shall we say, turbulent relationship. She is 3 years younger but is quite young for her age iyswim. She is very self absorbed and very ungrateful. We have fallen out several times but have always ended up speaking again.

A couple of months ago we had quite a bad arguement. She said some very hurtful things to me, very personal things. She just doesn't accept that the things she says are hurtful. She beleives that she can say what she likes as it just "washes over me" but I should be very careful what I say to her as she is "sensitive". To a point this is true but the things she said were really hurtful and insulting. For the first time ever, she made me cry. (When I got off the phone- would never let her know this.)

I have gone out of my way for her numerous times. For example when she had an arguement with my parents, I dropped everything to go and pick her up and had her to stay with me until things were sorted out. I got no thanks for this and no acknowledgement that in doing this I risked my relationship with my mum, as she felt sis should have stayed and faced up to the consequences of the arguement.

Anyway, getting to the point, she is no longer welcome in my house due to the things she said. When she got back from uni last week I took my dc round to see her. I sat in the front room while she played with them. We hardly spoke. This wkend my parents are away so she is on her own. She has recently split up with her bf who she would normally be with. She has just phoned me to ask me to take the dc round to see her. I said no as we have plans for today and tomorrow. I now feel really guilty that she will spend the whole wkend alone and miserable. I also feel angry at myself for caring as I swore to myself I would not let myself get emotionally involved with her again. I just can't shake the feeling I should shift our plans around a bit to take the dc over there....

What should I do?

OP posts:

Ifonlyhewould · 08/04/2007 09:50

Well you obviously care for your sister even though you are trying very hard not yo

Rather than take your children around to your sisters why don't you invite her to spend the day with you, on your territory.

Don't you miss her? Don't you wish you could be friends again. Sometimes, it just takes one person the be the grown up, the bigger person, then everything is fine. Life is too short for this

Have a lovely day x

Original poster

SugaryBits · 08/04/2007 10:01

Thanks for replying. I won't invite her here as after what she said she is never welcome in this house again! I have let to many things go. I am standing firm on this!

I don't miss her as we have never really been friends. I think jealousy has a part to play in this somewhere.

I know you are right, I should be the bigger person but I'm sick of it...I always back down and she goes on thinking she can treat me badly and I don't care!!

OP posts:

sunnywong · 08/04/2007 10:02

I fell out with my sister, under what I 'm sure she as the elder would paint in a similar manner to your scenario, and I feel soooooooooo much better for it

Just because you share the same parents doesn't mean you have to take shit from each other

chilledmama · 08/04/2007 10:09

Its only one weekend...maybe some time on her own rather than you picking up the pieces would be good for...you know, consequences of actions and so on. Keep strong!

thefuturesbright · 08/04/2007 10:43

good grief, how on earth do you expect your relationship to improve if you just carry on repeating the old patterns and scripts you have written for yourselves?

she is 'sensitive' while it 'just washes over you' - apparently. perhaps she gets this impression from the fact that you don't show her the pain she causes you? don't cry when she hurts you; carry on doing stuff for her and being generous to her with your time and dc whatever she says to you?

No, do not take dc round to her. do not lift a finger for her, and next time she asks for something tell her 'you have no idea how hurt I am by what you said. i can't bear to see you at the moment' and burst into tears.

You are not 3 and 6 any more, you are adults. time to sort this out.

Original poster

SugaryBits · 08/04/2007 11:00

Thank you for your post thefuturesbright. What you say makes sense. I think the problem is that I don't want to sort things out with her. She needs to have a relationship with my dc so we will have to be civil but I don't want anything more.

The arguement started when she asked me if I had to make an effort to like her. I said yes I did, we are very different people and sometimes I did have to put effort into our relationship. Her response to that was that we shouldn't bother with a relationship at all. I tried to explain that sometimes relationships took work. I love my DH for all the world but that doesn't mean we don't have to work at our relationship, same with friend & other family members. She wouldn't accept this and the conversation soon got nasty.

She sees everything in black & white, maybe thats just her age. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground with her. My mum has told her she should have some CBT as sometimes her selfish behaviour is quite worrying. Perhaps if she does have some therapy she will be able to understand where I am coming from.

I am trying to be fair in what I write. I am by no means perfect but have really tried with her and let so many bitchy comments she has made go. I'm not sure I can continue doing this. One of the main things that is bothering me is that she is pretending nothing has happened. She is all sweetness and light when she knows that what she said has hurt me.

Despite all of that, the thought of her sitting at home alone is bothering me. I don't know why. She certainly wouldn't give me a second thought. When she was with her bf she fitted in seeing my dc when it was convienient for her- which was not very often. Sorry, I know I'm ranting now...

OP posts:

thefuturesbright · 08/04/2007 11:09

why do your dc need a relationship with her? what do you think they might learn from her? how to be selfish and self-centred?

if you don't take dc to see her how will you feel about yourself? will it make you feel guilty? WRONG!

The RIGHT thing to do is to show her that ignoring other people's feelings and the hurt you cause them has bad consequences - if you are nasty you lose you friends. Do the right thing, for her and your dc and yourself.

(sorry everyone, I'm in a bit of a 'take no prisoners mood this morning, too much chocolate too early in the day)

Original poster

SugaryBits · 08/04/2007 11:16

I appreciate your comments tfb but I could not deny my dc a relationship with their aunt just because I don't have a good relationship with her. She loves them and they her. At 3 & 1 they are too young to be aware of then tension between us.

The other factor is my mum...she would be livid if I stopped my sister from seeing dc and it would cause a huge problem in our very good relationship.

OP posts:

themoon66 · 08/04/2007 11:27

Oh dear Sugary... you are where I was 3 and half years ago. I stuck to my guns... she said hurtful things once too often. I'd had 20 odd years of her shit.

Just because you are sisters, doesn't mean you are forced to be friends. I certainly would not chose my sister as a friend. You are very different people.

The only difference with your situation is your LOs. My DD was 16 when all this happened, so made her own choice to stay in touch with her aunt. However, my sister did use her to get at me. DD still suffers by feeling torn sometimes when sister is in the mood to play her mind games.

DS was 9 or 10, and she isn't interested in him at all... never has been. Probably because he's a boy and not so easy to manipulate as a teenage girl.

I have to say... life has been much more peaceful since I cut her out. She lives 200 miles away though, so that helps

Good luck with your situation.

Original poster

SugaryBits · 08/04/2007 17:51

themoon...do you ever have to see her at family get-togethers? If so how do you deal with that? I find it difficult enough being in the house with her on my own with the dc, let alone at family things with an audience!

OP posts:

Original poster

SugaryBits · 08/04/2007 19:37

bump

OP posts:

themoon66 · 08/04/2007 23:42

No... never seen her since my DH's 'significant' birthday party in December 03.

Our mum is aging and getting frail, so am sure that her hospitalisation or funeral will be the next time I have to see my sister (this does prey on my mind a lot).

Any legal stuff about wills, house, etc, I plan to deal with through a solicitor. I do know I will have to see her at some point though.... even if it's over mum's coffin at the funeral

I plan to not speak to her and let DH protect me.

adath · 09/04/2007 09:59

I son't think you should cut her out of your dc's life completeky but I also don't think you should go out your way so she can see them.

She has called you this weekend because she is at a lose end with nothing better to do not genuinely because she wants to see your dc.
No way should you change any of your plans for her you can bet she wouldn't do it for you.
If you see her at family functions be civil but there will be so many others there nobody will notice you and her are not apeaking to each other there will be far too many poeple you have not seen for ages to catch up with.

In her defnece (just slightly) how does she know how much what she said hurt so much? We all say things at times which we know hurt in the heat of an argument but we don't realise unless someone tells us that they hurt still ages after. She thinks things wash over you and of course she does because you will not show her that she has upset you you waited until later to cry about it.

YEs she said it to hurt you but you have said yourself she is a bit self absorbed so it has probably never occured to her you are still hurting now.

adath · 09/04/2007 09:59

I son't think you should cut her out of your dc's life completeky but I also don't think you should go out your way so she can see them.

YEs she said it to hurt you but you have said yourself she is a bit self absorbed so it has probably never occured to her you are still hurting now.

mamazon · 09/04/2007 10:12

For the first time ever, she made me cry. (When I got off the phone- would never let her know this.)

maybe thats the problem...you dont show her that what she has said has hurt you.

She has probably said things as hurtfull as she can to try and get some reaction from you. she may feel that your always being horrid to her and yet nothingt she says phases you so she has been deliberatly spitefull in her reopsonse.

i think you should see her, without the children and explain just how hurt you have been from what was said.

chocolatechipmonkey · 09/04/2007 10:45

Agree with Mamazon, I think you should let her know that it doesn't wash over you. I have sometimes have to let my dsis know that she doesn't know everything there is to know about me and that sometimes her preconceptions about me are wrong.

sexylady · 09/04/2007 13:12

i agree too by being open with her about how you felt when she made those hurtful comments, how she then deals with it is her choice but i bet she will think differently about any other comments she makes.
i have been having problems with my sister, & wouldn't choose her as a friend either!
obviously i want things to be better between us and hopefully they will be for you too.
i wouldn't just drop things to suit her either.

singingmum · 09/04/2007 13:22

Had same kind of prob with ane of my younger brothers.Put everything at risk trying to help him and he threw it all back at me with a severe punch in the face(so to speak)
I eventually realised that I would never take that cr*p of anyone else and cut all ties.I speak to him when at my parents or in social situations(not often thankfully around him) but other than that I leave him outside of my life and my life is a whole lot better for it.
Sometimes we have to back off of the ones we love to keep our own sanity and then decide how we feel

Ally90 · 09/04/2007 18:23

Hi Sugarybits

I've cut my sister out of my life. I too have been labelled as basically 'unemotional' whereas my sister is 'sensitive'. The reason I was unemotional and still seem to be is the bullying I suffered from my sister from childhood (2 yrs older). It was not safe to show my feelings from a very early age and that holds to this day. She always finds your weakest point and exploits it too the full. I could be the 'bigger person' and allow her back into my life, but quite frankly, life is too short. I've taken her cr*p for too many years and all to my detriment. If your own sister treats you like dirt, how do you expect the rest of society to treat you? I say hold out, she can act like a spiteful child towards you if she wants, then play at being a helpless, innocent child (sweetness and light) making you feel guilty, don't give in!! Its what she thrives on. She is not a child, she is an adult. She can work out for herself what she needs to do to make amends. If you wish to make a further effort, send an email explaining what you meant again.

At the end of the day tho, its your choice, you can choose your friends, you can't choose your relatives. Ever been down your list of friends names in your mobile and thought 'love them, keep..... can do without them! get rid!' I used to do that, come to my sisters name and think 'get rid!' and keep her because 'she's my sister'. Given a choice I would do it all over again.

Good luck in what you do. Just remember what your worth (respect, love, trust).

Original poster

SugaryBits · 09/04/2007 19:59

Thanks for all the replies,

Adath & mamazon, she does know how much she hurt me. I told her she had said one of the worst things she possibly could. She basically rubbished my whole life.
Singingmum & ally90, thanks for sharing your experiences. The more I read from other people, the more I think that we would both be better off not having a relationship, apart from being civil and allowing her to see DC.

Ally90, your experiences with your sister sound horrible. I would hope my sister wouldn't look back on our childhood and remember me as a bully. We actually got on quite well when we were much younger. I have always been independent and she, being the youngest has been wrapped in cotton wool. I think my mum realises that she may have inadvertently caused some of the problems sis has by allowing her to be mollycoddled for too long. The amount of times she was asked to do something and refused so I was told to do it and if I complained I got told "oh come on, it is just so much easier if you just get it done!"

I think sis has always felt she was in my shadow a bit, at school all the teachers would say "Oh your Sugarybits sister!" I have always been more academic than her- it must have been hard to live up to. I tried to make it easier, I never went on about my achievements, I downplayed everything. When she did her GCSE's she got an A in Maths and I had got a B. I didn't hear the end of it for months. I had spent all our school years keeping quiet about how well I was doing and she threw it right back at me. I was pleased for her but she was so spiteful about it.

I think she still carries it all with her. I feel that we should move on and develop an adult relationship but I'm not sure she can. Things have radically changed in our lives, I met my husband, messed up my Alevels, had children and was an all round "disappointment" to my father. She is at uni at the other end of the country and is doing really well. I am proud of her for that but we still don't seem able to move on.

OP posts:

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