Husband

[Regenerationzzz]

I realise this is yet another husband dissatisfaction thread so I'm just venting really. I don't know if I'm being a real bitchh or not but I don't know what to do. My DH is the usual good with the kids funny blah blah good around the house etc but he can't seem to hold down a job. I work so I'm not financially dependent but every job he's had since we've been together he has hated. He can't seem to organise himself or just deal with even minimal amounts of pressure. These are not high powered jobs. Hes middle management which Ive done. It is stressful, but he has never progressed anywhere because he's bored at the lower level but then cant cope any higher up.He does reasonable 9-5 and has a short commute. This is his 3rd job in 2 years and he just heard today that they are extending his probation. Before he got this job we had a terrible time. We had no money, he decided to stay at home with the kids who are both school age. He hated it and was depressed. We've finally got on an even keel and the job thing has blown up in his face again. He suffers from anxiety and I don't know if he's just procrastinating so much at work that he isn't getting anything done. He has mental health group therapy booked which I really hope will help. I can't seem to muster the will to be supportive. I don't know what to say to him anymore it's happened so many times. I want to tell him he'd better bloody do everything in his power to keep his job and he'd better bloody do everything the well-being people say. But I don't want to make it worse. In the other hand pandering has done no good. I've agreed in the past he could leave jobs and retrain, gone back to work earlier than I wanted after having a baby, gone full time so he can be a sahd and nothing has helped. It's still the same thing. This is the first time he's booked therapy though. I feel like I want to just pack it in but because he's going to therapy maybe he deserves a chance to make a go of it. I've found myself counting the years until my youngest is an adult and I can just be on my own without the constant misery.

He isn't contributing so you need to consider leaving him

It's high time for very firm language. Stop pandering to him and lay down his new reality - either he takes his therapy seriously and stays employed or you're going to be making plans to leave him. He is only going to drag you down with him. The stress alone will kill you.

He must be having annual reviews so he must have an idea how he is doing and where he is going wrong.

Unfortunately you can't make him better. He needs to do it himself.

All you can do is decide whether you have had enough already:

I posted from a cafe as Id left the house. When I got back he did seem to have a plan to get on top of things. He had worked through a list of his targets with evidence to show his boss and we had a talk. Still not hunky dory as he still said I wasn't being supportive, so I explained to him that I had a right to feel angry and upset that we were potentially going from a stable position to bring plunged into debt again. I suspect his procrastinating is the problem. Stuff needs to get done but doesn't because he's overthinking the slightest little thing. I'm hoping the therapy works. He's due to start it in a couple of weeks.

Stand firm against his gaslighting bullshit that you aren't being "supportive." It's a load of bullshit and he knows it. You've stayed with him, raising his kids and working your ass off to financially keep your family afloat. The feeble "you're not being supportive" excuse is just that, an excuse. Refuse to accept that or be made to feel guilty about HIS failures. The coddling needs to be over and done.

I work with someone who overthinks things and is on medication for anxiety. It's frustrating for the team and damaging to the company because she sits on information/documentation so long, deciding what to do with it, that it's out of date or a mad panic by the time she has passed it on. (There are clear processes in places and she's has extra training). Her brain seems to want to find a more complicated route each time. Her probation was extended, and that adds to her anxiety. She has hobbies, such as gardening and refurbishing furniture. I believe she'd be much happier doing practical work like this for a living, rather than an office role which requires constant communication and decision making.
If your husband loses this job, perhaps steer him towards something that suits him better, regardless of whether you stay with him or not?

It's like groundhog day isn't it. Being told you're not supportive when it's been going on for years and you've bent over backwards. No advice op just wanted to lend support. DH is headed in a similar direction though his issues are around holding petty grudges against colleagues, he's done it in every job I've known. It's come to a head just last week yet again him saying he wants to change jobs again and I reacted differently this time, I blew up at him and basically said what are you playing at, you do realise this is exactly what happened in previous jobs. Listed off a load of examples. Forced him to agree I was right, I had warned him over and over not to repeat it in this job. He tried saying I wasn't being supportive and I agreed! Because it's not a new situation or an isolated incident it's part of a pattern that he refuses to address! I told him that me "being supportive" clearly wasn't working so because I loved him and wanted him to be happy. I had to change what I was doing. I was not calm while saying this

I do not understand for the life of me why my DH seemingly won't grasp that it's all a pattern of self defeating behaviour and therefore take steps to change it. He's an otherwise intelligent person!

Have you heard the quote about insanity being doing the same thing while expecting different results? That applies to both DH and you in this situation.

Hi my ex was like this - the smallest decision would freeze him - he is disorganised and has lost a very good job previously because if this. He has a job now - it's at a level he can cope with and his boss is flexible and supportive. He also starting taking 10mg citalopram for his anxiety which took the edge of things. He copes with his job but he has higher aspirations but recognises his limitations. The group might help - is it cbt?

notthecoolmum yes your DH sounds exactly the same. It's very frustrating. It's group therapy. Not sure if it's cbt but that might be the next step. I always thought he'd be happier being a gardener or working in a bike shop or something. His family are all high flying academics so he was kind of channelled into non practical work but it doesn't really suit him.