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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ducks in a row thread

32 replies

Sadlady77 · 29/09/2017 10:54

I have heard this saying quite a bit on this forum over the past few days so thought I might start a thread on it, even if it is just my own ramblings and a journal for myself.

A bit about me: I have been with DH for 15 years, married for 9 and we have 2 children, aged 7 and 6. I actually can't remember a time when I was last happy with OH. Struggling and chaos just seem to be a way of life for us. A few years ago I asked OH when he was last truly happy and he didn't even mention the birth of our kids, he mentioned a time 10 years ago when he had taken 2 years out of work to study something he is passionate about (that he did nothing with in the end).

Life is so joyless with him. He is negative, mean, aggressive and uptight. He suffers from anxiety and has taken meds in the past but won't go back on them again as they made no difference to his moods. He has such anger issues.

Anyway - I am just at the beginning of trying to get my ducks in a row. I think it will probably take about a year to learn to drive, get a better, more secure job, clear our debts and go to counselling and build up the courage myself. In the meantime, I am going to try and keep a journal to remind myself of the bad times (as I tend to block them out).

I'd be really interested in chatting to anyone who is in a similar position. I am struggling with guilt at the moment, the fact I am doing this under the radar. But I am also angry with him, and his moods and his constant calling me an a*hole or c*t in front of the kids. We were having a row a few weeks ago and he tried to trip me up in the bathroom (didn't succeed). That isn't love.

I am also feeling guilty that I have been messaging an ex and let myself feel something for them. Nothing happened and I turned down his suggestion to meet up. But I'm angry with myself for being vulnerable and even considering it. I don't even recognise that person and thankfully common sense prevailed.

Last night I cleaned the kitchen and OH was making supper and messed up part of the kitchen (and was leaving it there). I just said can you clean that up I've just tidied it (I was a bit snappy) and he just called me an a**hole in front of the kids. I just feel so bad for them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/09/2017 12:55

You wouldn't have to, but it wouldn't necessarily be an equal split either. He sounds financially irresponsible so there is a risk you work hard to repay whilst he increases it elsewhere...

I would do some research into how it does work where you live - hugely important tbh!

Original poster
Sadlady77 · 30/09/2017 13:05

RandomMess - thanks. Will start to look into it. Yes he is irresponsible about everything. He can't even begin to make a simple decision without dragging me into it. And then I get blamed if something goes wrong.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 30/09/2017 13:17

Sad lady, I think this money thing is really common , guys don't ever seem to want to admit they can't afford to do stuff

bastardkitty · 30/09/2017 13:22

I think it's questionable whether you will be able to sort finances with your H trying to undermine your efforts. I think there is a lot of middle ground between lining up the actual essentials and getting yourself in the optimum position. The timimg is up to you, but also do be realistic about what you can achieve. He doesn't sound to me like he's on board with getting finances in order.

Original poster
Sadlady77 · 01/10/2017 16:25

Yetmorecrap - seems to be. He is on about the bike to work scheme today. I know fora fact the bike will be purchased and never used. It is really frustrating

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadlady77 · 01/10/2017 16:26

BastardKitty - Yes he seems to be trying to undermine me at every stage with regards money. I at least want to get my credit card down to zero.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadlady77 · 06/10/2017 10:40

I'm just tracking things on here for my own memory. So OH lost the plot today because on the way back to the house (after doing the school drop) I mentioned we had run out of eggs. He likes to have 2 eggs every morning. Now he used up the last 2 eggs yesterday morning but apparently it's my fault because I was 'in the house all day yesterday'. Yes I was in the house but with a sick child and also trying to fill out a job application form.

He came down and apologised and said he was hungry but I said no excuse for blowing up (hunger causes frequent outbursts for him) and said I didn't want to discuss it. So now he is calling me 'pathetic' because I won't expect his apology :(

OP posts:
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