Should I introduce DS to his absent Father?

[HerLadySheep]

Ex and I split when I was pregnant and he's had no contact with DS, this was his choice. Despite this, over the years we have managed to develop a reasonably civil and grown up relationship, Ex now lives abroad but we exchange very occasional messages and photos.
DS is aware of his birth father, my DH has been in DS's life for more than half of it, and is to all intents & purposes his father, DS certainly considers him to be his Dad.
My Ex will be back in the country briefly to attend a funeral that I will also be at with DS, my quandary is, do I introduce ex to my DS as his long absent father?

What does ex say? What does dh say? How old is ds?

I think if he didn't know that the man he might be meeting was his father that he may be unhappy about this or think it was odd in later years. I would explain about birth fathers, if necessary, depending upon how old he is. I would explain his birth father will probably be there. Then I would introduce your ex by his name, not calling him father, but he would know by the name that he was his birth father. It will be up to him if he ever wants to call him father but it sounds like your DH is his Dad. It is irrelevant to me what your ex would want to be called in this situation.

Not at a funeral!

How old is your son?
If I was 10 and later found out, I might say "why the hell didn't you let me meet him?".
If I was 5, not so much.

It depends whether this pathetic excuse for a father actually intends to have proper contact ongoing. If not - then no, don't let him swan in and out again.

If yes, then consider it - but not on the day of the funeral!

In this case, if your son isn't personally concerned about being at the funeral, I wouldn't take him. I wouldn't want him gawped at by his deadbeat "dad" unbeknownst to him.

DS is 11, and this is likely to be the only chance for him to see ex as he lives abroad, ex has no interest in forming any real relationship with DS, which is probably for the best now, DS is happy and secure with his "real Dad" being my DH.

I don't want to lie to DS but I don't want cause a whole load of upset, and I'm not sure what route would cause least upset; not telling DS that the man in the corner is his birth father, only for him to find out later that he could have met him, and I prevented it, or letting him meet him, only for him to sod off and leave him all over again.

I am also concerned that an already emotionally charged event such as funeral is hardly the ideal scenario in which to meet your long lost Dad!

Ex is not a bad man, just a bad Dad, he will go along with whatever I think is the best way of dealing with this situation

Is it an option to tell your ex to stay the hell away from the funeral?
I would avoid having them in the sabe place, and I would prioritise your son's desire to be at the funeral over this sad excuse for man.

Great advice from poppy

My DH was in a very similar situation as your DS as a child. I asked him about this and he said he can't see what good can come of them being introduced. Your son will only become more aware of the situation, one that he has no control over.

Not sure if this helps. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

I would either keep your son away from the funeral or ask his father not to attend.

I think it will be best to introduce your ds to him or it could cause problems later on between you and ds. Like op said introduce as his name not dad maybe. Your child will naturally be curious about his birth father and this will be good to of load some of his couriosity.

I would not introduce an absent man to a child who has a stable dad.

He will go back abroad and your poor son will have to deal with emotions that come with it.

Wait until he is 18

DS will be able to arrange to meet birth father when he's older. I think 11 is not the ideal age to be starting off down the path of meeting him. Let him be until he hits teen years and actively starts wanting to meet him.

Well not exactly the same situation, but my father left when I was four and I have no memory of him apart from the day he walked out the door. He also went abroad and I saw him briefly when I was eleven. It was interesting because I had had a totally mythical idea of him and he didn't live up to that at all. In my case I think it was probably healthy. However a funeral does not sound like the best setting for such an encounter.

I don't quite get the contact with an absent parent, if he has no interest in forming a relationship then what's the point?

I think you should talk to your son, be straight with him about expectations and that this man doesn't want a relationship with him and see what he thinks but a funeral really isn't the place. Your son might be curious or he might not but I think that he should be given the opportunity to decide.

Long term, what is the goal with continuing contact with this man? I just think it's odd, especially for your son to know/ learn that his mother is sending photos and maintaining contact with a man who shows no interest in him. I personally would feel unhappy that a man who I've never met has information about me but I have none about him.

I really don't think pointing him out across the church is the way forward

Would your ex agree to meet for a coffee beforehand? How does he feel about meeting his DS?

Does your DS need to go to the funeral? Knowing he'll not only see his father for the first time, but that it would be with a large audience. And that there's potential for his father to be an arse. What if he just walks off?

No no no. Your D'S will expect to start a relationship with him after that. Texts, phone calls, FaceTime, Skype etc. When birth father doesn't it will be a shitload of rejection for your DS. He will have to grieve the dad he never had as well as deal with being abandoned and rejected. He will grow up feeling inadequate, unwanted and that there is something wrong with him for his dad to not want him after meeting him. Don't let them meet. I speak from experience.

I would talk to ds about it beforehand, and tell him it was entirely down to him.

Let him choose if his father stays away from the funeral, or if he meets him before it, and then decides if he's comfortable with his father attending. Or whatever he chooses.

Regardless of what he decides, or how he feels, he will have some degree of curiosity about his biological father, even if it's purely genetic and he just wants to see what he looks like, and whether he does have his fathers eyes/colouring/height etc. At 11 he's old enough to decide for himself, and down the line I can imagine repercussions if he later discovers you denied him the choice.

I wouldn't, and certainly not at someone's funeral. It has to be appropriate. Talk to your DS about him and if they mutually want to meet it can be arranged another time, not tacked-on to something else.

I've never met my father and it's never bothered me because he's never felt like a real person - the idea of him has no emotional heft. Since your son's father is clear he doesn't want a relationship with him, I don't see any benefit to your son in making him flesh and blood, especially since he sees your partner as his dad. So I'd keep them apart.

Thank you all for the great advice, it's given me lots to ponder 🤔