Broken marriage / feeling lonely

[Lulua32]

This is my first post and a just need to reach out really.

I am feeling desperately lonely within my marriage. Married for 6 years but together for 16. Two children 5 and 2 years old. Husband, completely married to his work, seems unable to find room for thought around the children or me. Our relationship has been turbulent over the years but we've always come through, but I feel like a fool for staying with him after what he's done to me emotionally and at times physically. I just haven't been able to see my life without him, ever. Until now...

Things have gotten pretty bad and for the past few months in particular I have felt desperately lonely. There's zero affection, rows break out over the slightest thing (usually around him not spending time with the children and me, or being so tired he is unable to help me with the children or the house) and a serious lack of communication (he's just not willing to talk even when he's home of an evening/weekend it's lap top open or on his phone sitting in silence while he works). It's basically a miserable situation and this is despite currently having marriage counselling where we have discussed the importance of setting him boundaries around his work time.

At the beginning of the summer I began to feel confident enough to start seeing some friends again socially (I'd been suffering with PND since having my second child) so went out with some of the mums from school. This particular evening one of the teachers from the school also turned up and him and me started chatting and ended up kissing. He texted the following day and from then we were messaging every day and started seeing each other secretly, basically we were having an affair. There's no excuse for this I know and it was wrong and deceitful. I have never cheated before. But my god, what a bloody fantastic time I had with him. Suddenly I felt alive again (cheesy as that sounds), I was the old me and this gorgeous younger guy wanted me. I knew it was only going to end in tears, and they'd either be mine or my husbands. As it happens, they're mine. My husband didn't, still doesn't have a clue what's going on in my life, so he's none the wiser.

Since the start of term, things have dwindled on messaging front and I'm getting the message that things are over between me and mr teacher, although he hasn't said so directly. It's hard as I have to see him everyday at school in the playground/office but I guess I deserve everything I get. And suddenly I'm flat on my face again in the mess that is my marriage, and feeling so rejected, hurt, abandoned and very unwanted and loved.

I think I still love my husband, should I know for sure? Is it just because I've been with him for so long and I get the feeling of love from the familiarity and time? I don't love mr teacher but I really like him and enjoyed being with him. I wasn't at the point of leaving my husband for him, and am I just deluded thinking that anything more could ever have happened on that front anyway?

I have only spoken to one friend about the affair, although I have support from other friends as they are aware of my marriage difficulties. But I feel like I'm in a torrent of emotion that I push aside everyday but hurts like hell.

My husband's just left me for a colleague. What I wish he had done is told me he was so unhappy he was starting to have feelings for someone else and then suggested a trial seperation to get his head straight (in which time he wouldn't contact either of us).

As you can imagine I don't have a tonne of sympathy for your situation but if you want to know what your husband might like you to do from here had he had all the facts it's probably something like that.

Someone should post the cheaters script.

Tell your husband. Divorce. Own your failings with your sham of a marriage. Go find happiness without him.

Op I think you are attached to being around him.. The fact you cheated confirms you are ready to move on with your life

You should speak to your husband and tell him it's not working out and express how you are feeling and see whether he feels the same or wants to work on it etc

Honesty is the best policy you do and should tell him about the affair you had as you owe it to the many years you have known each other and the fact that foremost he is a friend 'your other half'. If you can not be I would suggest by passing straight for a divorce. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you stop feeling lonely as nobody deserves it xxxx

Its odd that things have got really bad in your marriage in the last few months. And that you started your affair at the begining of summer. So a few months ago.

I am always sceptical of people who have affairs and use their partners behaviour as an excuse. The marriage becoming really bad always coincides with the affair.

Badhatter

That's not life. That's mumsnet life. In the real world it's not black and white. Yes that may be correct advice in certain situations where there's infidelity but in many others it won't be.

You've become someone you'd normally hate, a cheater.

You've tried improving the marriage but couldn't do that all by yourself and he wasn't interested because his work is fulfilling him so his marriage isn't on his radar.

I'd suggest you get your ducks in a row and separate. Whatever he's done, you've cheated. It doesn't seem likely that the marriage could be fixed pre-cheat and it is even less likely now.

He has escaped the marriage for years via work. If marriage counselling hasnt helped either, I would start planning to leave. Personally I would say it is madness to confess to the affair, just leave. Or stay if you prefer, but it is very lonely inside a broken marriage. I did five years of that and it wrecked my self esteem. So very lonely.

Our relationship has been turbulent over the years but we've always come through, but I feel like a fool for staying with him after what he's done to me emotionally and at times physically.
For me that is the most important bit of your post.
If he has ever hurt you physically you should get out. If your “fling” gives you the power to do that then good.
Phone Women’s aid and discuss your husband, and put an end to this.

Also don’t get involved with anyone else for a while. This teacher probably sensed you were vulnerable and got a kick out of using you. Let yourself recover and become strong first.

Thank you all so much for your replies, it's given me some food for thought and helping me work out the next step. Thank you too for not judging me, I know what I've done is wrong and it's not the person I want to be. But neither do I want to be the sad, irritable, emotional mum I have now become to my children because I just can't seem to find happiness at home with my husband.

I'm hoping we may talk tonight.

Thank you xxx