Husband won't talk to me about anything or accept any wrong doing...!

[Gem0404]

Hi, this is my first time posting on any discussion boards, I'm at my wits end and I need help!

Me and my husband have been together for 6 years and have a 3.5 year old daughter.

He's in the army and works away in the week and home at the weekends.

Whenever there is any conflict he shuts down, refuses to talk to me or hear what I'm saying thinking or feeling. Everything is twisted to be my fault. Absolutely everything. I get called a cunt, a dickhead, a psycho, etc etc etc...our relationship has become violent at points because I'm desperate for some sort of reaction that I'll push him to go him to even acknowledge my exsistance. It's gotten really bad before
Now and the police have been called.

I love him, he can be very helpful, caring and thoughtful. But the majority of the time he's moody, has no conversation, barely smiles or laughs with me. It's boring. Our sex life is roll on roll off. His sex drive used to be off the scale when we met, and now it's barely there at all.

I feel so invisible, ignored and taken for granted. I work part time and raise our daughter alone 99.9% of the time. But because he pays the mortgage and the bills he has in the past told me I 'contribute nothing' to the marriage.

Everything is fine so long as I shut up, put up and suck all the shit he gives me up. He lives the life of fucking reily, rocks up at the weekends and acts more like our daughters playmate rather than her father.

I know people will say to leave him. But I'm scared of him and what he will try and do if we get divorced. Plus, I still love him, I can't help but think of the times he's lovely and think perhaps it its me, perhaps if I wasn't so insecure or lacking in self esteem we'd get be better. I fucking hate the army. I fucking hate the 'boys club' it is. I hate how arrogant and ignorant he is. I hate the way he speaks to me and how he completely stone walls me during times of conflict.

I just don't know what to do 😔 He tells me there's no one else but I genuinely believe that if there was a sniff of a chance for him to be with someone else, he'd go.
He has his own place in the week that he'll just up and go to if we fall out. It's like it's easier to walk away than stay and sort it out.

Can anyone help me?? I feel the lowest I've ever felt in my life. I know I can be a pain in the arse but I've been through a lot in the last few years. More than one person can deal with and he's not really been there for me in the way I've needed him to be.

No matter what happens, it's always my fault. He is incapable of taking blame or responsibility. I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else or him bringing a new woman into our daughters life. But that's not a reason to stay with someone who treats me with so little care thought or respect.

Arrrgggh HELP!!

Sorry this message is so long!

Thanks in advance for any responses xx

I don’t think you’re going to get any other response apart from ‘LTB’.
He sounds like a proper twat.

www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Gem can you forward him this post it might do him good to read it.

Not a very good idea to forward a post about a violent man to that man, is it?

OP, you said he could be lovely. When was the last time? How long did it last? Then what happened?

You may love him but your post clearly shows you don't LIKE him. And if the police have been involved and you have a daughter, why is he still there? Social services would have been involved and you would have been advised that you are in an abusive relationship. You know you need to leave.

I know people will say to leave him. But I'm scared of him and what he will try and do if we get divorced.

What will he try to do?

I'm ex-RAF and I can tell you that it's not the Army making him behave like a twat, it's because he is a twat. Not all military men behave like this, most are decent blokes who treat their wives with love and respect. It is difficult doing the weekend commute and it can take a while to get your head around being g part of the family again at the weekend when you've only had yourself to worry about during the week.

I am quite worried that you brush aside the violence though, that's not normal in any relationship and I wonder why you'd accept this treatment - show yourself some love (even if he won't) and don't accept this from him. I really can't see what you are getting from this relationship other than the mortgage paid (which I acknowledge is important) but can you look at other housing options or benefit entitlements to see if you could afford to house yourself. Perhaps you could get a mesher order as part of any divorce settlement, along with child/spousal maintenance- I know you're not thinking down those lines yet but knowing what you might be entitled to might give you the confidence to leave.

Life's too short to live like this.

No, no, no!! Do NOT show him this thread!!!

WTF do people suggest this?

Thanks, to be brutally honest it's me he accuses of being violent. BUT he brought it into or lives, he would spit in my face, throw water over me, throw things around, stop me from leaving. And then one day i snapped at played him at his own game. Social services did become involved, he did leave. But we worked it out and they were happy that daughter wasn't at risk. He will antagonise me to the point where I don't feel like. I have any option. It's like sheer frustration of not being listened to or even considered as a human being.

I wa sdianosed with MS when my daughter was 9months old. It was hard getting my head around it. It still is. Then my dad died unexpectedly. Then my step father left my mother for a woman half his age. Then I found out my treatment for ms wasn't working, and finally I'm just recovering from viral meningitis. He's been somewhat supportive during these events over the last couple of years, but it only lasts so long. He'll take my little girl so I can rest, make dinner etc, so the household chores...but what I feel is really lacking is any genuine empathy, he's like a grumpy waiter, not my husband.

He always says that everything would be fine, that he would take notice of me, talk to me, plan stuff for us to do as couple rather than always as a family. I know I sound ungrateful but I'm not just a mum, I would like to be taken out on dates occasionally. He says if we were 'better' he would do all these things. But things have gotten better and he still continues to do nothing. I feel like the live in nanny, nurse (which is also my job) maid and maintainence man. I just feel so taken for granted and when I try to voice how I feel I get shut down, told 'it's your own doing' surely he can see that it takes two people to make a marriage and two people to break it. I HATE that my daughter has seen or heard what she has. 'Thankfully' its happened when she's been in bed asleep or at nursery but there's no denying that at 3 years old she's seen and heard some terrible things and for that I feel wretched for. I keep bargaining with myself that if I do genuinely just 'shut up and put up' that things may get better. But how long do things need to be better for before I start to feel like I matter again in his eyes?!? If I was reading this message I'd say grow some balls and leave him. But it's so hard when you're the one in it 😣

It sounds like a very abusive relationship with hardly anything good about it. I know you say you are scared of him and you should be careful, but would he really care if you split? He could still do his Disney dad bit every other weekend and otherwise life goes on as normal for him. Maybe you will both be happier apart?

This relationship will be so damaging for your daughter.

I'm not scared of him physically. I'm scared of what he would try to do financially, the sly little comments he would make to our daughter. Seeing him with another woman, making me out to be an unfit mother, he can be so so vindictive and bitchy. I've always said he's like a 14 year old in a mans body. He has deep rooted issues from his childhood but he pint blank refuses to acknowledge that he does. Instead it's easier to blame me, for everything and anything. Deny, deflect and blame is his ethos when it comes to me!

'Luckily' he is away the majority of the time and it's all fun and games when he comes home at the weekends. He'll ignore me or grunt at me and shower our daughter with love affection and conversation. I'm like the third wheel. She dotes on him. And then he's gone, back into the bosom of the army and leaves the day to day child rearing to me. She's happy, genuinely happy. I work my arse off to make sure of it. But i totally appreciate what you are saying. Kids aren't stupid, she will know what's going on 😔

Thank you so much for this 😘

Ok, good that you posted as the first step is recognising there is a problem.I would then recommend you start reading about abusive relationships, "Why does he do that" and the "Verbally abusive relationship".

You will then learn that this is him and unlikely to change.Its too deep seated and the more you push him to take responsibility the more he will get angry.Its a downward cycle where you end up feeling crazy.

You need to step away when conflict starts, try to observe not absorb his behaviour.Once you see his behaviour for the craziness you will see it's his baggage not yours.
The army isn't the issue but it probably validates him whereas you make demands on him, question his attitude etc.In a healthy relationship this should be posdible.
No matter how hard you try you can't make this healthy.

It's sad but once you accept it's not fixable you can start to think of solutions.You can live alone and survive and be happy.
I got out of a similar marriage last year and over the last few weeks I realised I am happy and so much more relaxed.
My ex is vindictive but there is only so much they can do.He not likely to get away with accusing you of being a bad mum if he's happy to leave your dd with you all week.
Financially he will need to contribute and as your dd gets older life will be easier.

Get yourself support, start a journal and you will get stronger and feel able to leave.

Thank you so much xx

My parents divorced

We were much happier

If mum is happy so will the kids

Why on earth do you live this man? It's reads like a competition you can't win but can't bear to lose

Leave him - be happy - what happens happens -

Start a plan -