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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I warn stbx new gf?

32 replies

Vintagegirl1 · 28/09/2017 17:08

Stbx and I seperated just over a year ago. He was emotionally and financially abusive and on three occasions mildly physically abusive (pushing, grabbing me by the throat). He is still trying to control me through our finances and the kids and I have been getting support from women's aid to try and be able to support myself. I found out a couple of weeks ago that he is seeing someone and I am very taken aback by how much it has effected me.
Part of me is pissed off as he basically moped about for a year saying he wanted us to try again, he is now trying to rush the financial decisions he has avoided for a year as it now suits him. He only takes kids for 2 over nights a month as he is staying with his parents and that's all they will allow so I am unable to start any meaningful relationship of ky own as I always have dcs.
I really want to warn his new gf what he is really like. I truly believe he actually hates women (did I mention used prostitutes in past but said nothing happened lol) but if I say anything I'm going to look like a spiteful loon aren't I?

OP posts:
Stormwhale · 28/09/2017 17:10

Yes you will. he would just tell her you are crazy any way.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 28/09/2017 17:12

I'm sure he would and I'm not sure if I would be able to get physical proof of his prostitute use as the newspaper he appeared in is now defunct. I am having to sit on my hands not to call her though.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 28/09/2017 17:14

He sounds appalling but there's no point warning anyone else. You'll look bitter.

You used to like him, enough to have more than one kid with him. I'd leave it be, focus on yourself and your new freedom.

IHaveBrilloHair · 28/09/2017 17:16

She'll believe him, stay well clear.
Don't minimise his violence btw, calling it mild, violence is violence is violence.

silverking · 28/09/2017 17:17

No you need to leave it well alone. You will be made out to be the crazy bitch.

Meow34 · 28/09/2017 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 28/09/2017 17:23

So he gets to enjoy a new relationship and I'm left a single parent with no life until my kids are 18? What if he hurt this woman? How would I feel then? I bet he never used condoms either ffs!!!

OP posts:
Meow34 · 28/09/2017 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Subtlecheese · 28/09/2017 18:04

Be friendly and distant. You are not responsible. He will ultimately show his true colours, being uninvolved in their situation will be better for you as you need a space where his shit isn't yours to deal with.
You have enough on your plate putting dc first and keeping him out of your headspace. Flowers

TheNaze73 · 28/09/2017 18:18

She'll think you're a bitter ex.

MorrisZapp · 28/09/2017 19:00

Surely contraception is up to her?

WhoWants2Know · 28/09/2017 19:14

The fact that you are a single parent right now is a separate issue from warning his new gf. As others have said, she isn't going to believe you.

You sound a bit like you want to scupper his new relationship so he'll be single like you. Bad idea. If he is abusive towards you then it's better for his attention to be elsewhere anyway.

To be blunt, yes-you may be a single parent until the kids are much older and no it isn't fair that he gets to swan off into the sunset. It suck, but it's better than your kids having to watch their father beat you up.

MagicFajita · 28/09/2017 19:20

I'd just leave it and be grateful of the break op , she'll never believe you and he'll just twist your words to prove that he is right about you being the "crazy" ex.

Do some positive things for you and try your best to put it this to the back of your mind.

Good luck.

Mari50 · 28/09/2017 20:17

Leave her to it, she won't believe you and it will enable him to label you the jealous ex.
My ex was sexually and emotionally abusive and he was relatively disinterested in parental responsibilities and commitments.
If I was to tell this to his new girlfriend while he's love bombing her and playing perfect dad I can imagine she'd just think it's because I'm a 'crazy mental bitch' (to quote my ex's description of me)
She'll find out soon enough and it's her responsibility, and if he's with her then he's not pestering me for sex etc.

gamerchick · 28/09/2017 20:21

Noooo do a jig, I did when my ex moved on to his next victim. She thought she had won a prize and called me all sorts. She's on pills now because she can't get rid of him.

I have told her how but she's scared of him. Not my problem and neither is ot yours OP. Let it lie.

MagicFajita · 28/09/2017 20:30

Indeed Gamerchick, when my ex found his next victim my life improved tenfold because he didn't give a crap about getting at me anymore.

He also started playing dad of the year which was beneficial to the kids as they got lots of expensive things bought for them. That was fine by me , he's free to stick whatever he wants on his credit card. Not. My. Problem.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 28/09/2017 20:34

I was in an abusive relationship many years ago. He left me for another woman. I tried to warn her what he was like - it didn't go well, she accused me of being jealous and then he broke into my flat, beat me up and raped me. I often wonder whether he is abusive to her - they are still together 18 years later and are married, although they don't have children. I hope he isn't but I think he probably is. His ex wife tried to warn me and I had a similar reaction to his current wife, although I didn't tell him she had spoken to me.

jeaux90 · 28/09/2017 20:53

OP of you are smart you will use this situation to your advantage. Or your solicitor should be. He now wants to rush the financial stuff through, good, it gives you a good negotiation position. Go for more and don't budge until he agrees. He has a brand new shiny girlfriend to impress so he will want to get a new place, car whatever.

That's your revenge point 1 right there. Revenge 2 is a cliche but it works. Live your life well. He'll hate that, she'll respect you and you will come across as the sane reasonable one which will make her think.

springydaffs · 28/09/2017 21:31

Weiners Flowers

HeavenlyEyes · 28/09/2017 22:36

Please do the Freedom Programme and spend some time on your own before you even consider venturing into a new relationship of any sort. You will be in no fit state to date anyone atm so that should be the least of your priorities.

And who cares if he has a new victim?

RamblinRosie · 28/09/2017 23:58

I do! Warn her, then back off.

She'll probably see you as a nutter, then when things get bad for her, you've given her the evidence to support her that she needs to get away.

springydaffs · 29/09/2017 08:37

I agree with Rose.

People warned me and I genuinely didn't know what they were talking about. Until things got so dark.. Those warnings were like a beacon in the pitch black, guiding me out.

Meow34 · 29/09/2017 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummaL24 · 29/09/2017 11:20

I have just had something really similar this year with me and ex breaking up and me trying to warn her off him. It did not go in my favour at all and he did tell her I was crazy and wanted him back.

However he has since gone and go professional help and people may think I'm crazy but we have said we will give our relationship another go
This happened beginning of the year in January and now we are September and have just got back togerher after 7 months of not speaking.

However the next dilemma is the now ex girlfriend has just said she is pregnant

We have just started again a fresh start and now this. Part of me doesn't believe t and thinks she's just clutching at the last straws because he hasn't responded to her since they spilt but the other part of me is in so much pain we have three children togerher and have just started again now this spanner has been thrown into the works and I'm devastated I can't live a life where I will have that in my face as a reminder of when we was at our worst and wasn't togerher that he ended up getting someone else pregnant we also swore when we split we wouldn't have any more children apart neither of us wanted the seperated family for the three children we currently have. I don't know what to do I feel such a mess 💔Confused

Meow34 · 29/09/2017 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.