Young, pregnant and stupid??

[firsttimemum97]

I've been with my OH for 18 months, I'm 32 weeks pregnant with his baby. Before I got pregnant we used to argue all the time and get on each other's nerves but then we would have the good days where I wanted to be with him and he made me happy. Now all he wants to do is sit and play on his Xbox. I've spent £400 on everything for the baby and he's not spent a single penny. I was working two jobs but I'm now on leave from one. He's become lazy, expecting me to do all the house work, cooking and he won't make an effort for me. We never go to bed together anymore and I feel so distant from him. What do I do?? I'm 19 and he's 32. I'm petrified of giving birth but I know I'm not brave enough to do it on my own

It's a difficult time to make big decisions, but he should be pulling his weight. Do you want to make it work or walk away?
If you want to walk, then it's time to be looking for a new birth partner. Do you have a Mum, sister or friend you could ask?
I can't help wonder how supportive your partner would be, if he's this unsupportive now.

Have you got family or friends you can stay with? If he's this unhelpful now then I doubt he will improve when you have the baby

Fucking hell he is 32?!

Reading your OP I was expecting you to say you were both 19!

Firstly, you will be able to give birth without him! IME (I had my first at 20) my labour was actually much much harder and longer because XP was an arsehole and I was already stressed just from living with him. I had my second at home (at 22) with my mum and sister and I was so relaxed in labour the midwives didn't believe I was that far along and so only one got there literally as I pushed her out. My mum delivered her really!

Secondly, it sounds like you live together? Whose house is it?

Can you go back home? If he's like this at 32 (and wasn't very nice even before you were pregnant) I doubt he'll improve.

Do you have any nearby supportive family or if not nearby, can you go back to live with family when you're on maternity leave?

I think it's really unlikely that he will change for the better after the baby is born, and I don't think he's going to respond to you asking him again to sort it out. I would give him an ultimatum, that unless he sorts his attitude and behaviour out you will leave him. If he does sort it out and improve, make it clear that you will still leave if it isn't maintained without you having to remind him all the time.

I really feel for you. In your third trimester, your partner should be cherishing you and looking after you willingly.

So you were together about a year before getting pregnant and were already arguing and getting on each others nerves? That's really short time in relationship terms, are you sure you still want to be with him? He sounds absolutely useless and I very much doubt he'll improve once baby's here.

I really feel for you, the last trimester is so tiring and it'll be exhausting having a newborn. You really need to have a straight conversation with him, see how much help or not he'll be, how invested he is in this relationship etc.

I had my first at 18 with an unsuitable boyfriend (decent enough Dad as it turns out) and post baby, we lasted another 6 months before he decided he couldn’t hack living with me and the baby.

I felt winded initially, but then life became easier because I didn’t have to pick up after a man anymore, I felt like I had half the work to do.

It’s okay to let the relationship go and let him be a dad at the same time.

7 years later I’m married with two more children and my eldest’s Dad has her every other weekend. She’s a happy child and I too, got to be happy.

You deserve better

I have my mum but the stress of having to help with a 4YO and a 2YO is enough to stop me from wanting to go. I walked out a month or two ago because of the same reason. He told me he would cut down drinking and would be more affectionate to me but he hasn't changed. It lasted a whole day last time. I feel like if I walk out on him I will be a horrible person. I know my baby and I deserve better but I don't want to make everythin harder by not seeing him. If I left I would still have to see him at work since we work together so I no matter whether I leave or not I will still have to be around him. We have had the house together for three months and it started off okay but now I feel trapped and I know he can't afford the house on his own. I think I've made a few mistakes leading up to now

He sounds very much like my ex, we ended up having two DCs whilst I pretty much did everything just to keep the family together and hoped he would grow up. After 8 years last christmas I finally gave up and called it quits and now I am 100% happier.

A few people ask me how things are going and assume it is much harder as a single parent when my DCs are so young but actually looking back he was the third child and although financially it is harder alone, emotionally I am so happy to just wash/cook/clean after my DCs and not spend my life picking up dirty socks and cleaning up after a man child!

You will have to see him for the next 18 years or so because you are about to have his baby.

However, it may be easier to see him if you aren't also in a crappy relationship with him...

I think it would be easier in many ways to break up with him before the baby comes.

If people know you have a partner but that partner is a drain on you rather than a support they won't think to help, they'll assume he is doing it.

The first weeks of having a newborn will be very difficult if he slobs around drinking and playing Xbox...

He may change when the baby is here (though this is very unlikely anyway) but since you being heavily pregnant hasn't caused him to change I doubt you having a newborn will either and you've already given him one ultimatum which hasn't worked...

Would your mum really expect you to help out with a 4 year old and a 2 year old when you're heavily pregnant, or with a newborn?

You won't be a horrible person for leaving, he is not being a good partner so he has only himself to blame.

Oh gawd. You are too young to be shackled to a useless crap excuse for a father that is this man.

Do yourself and your baby a huge favour and leave him. Go anywhere. Start a life where you are respected so you can teach your child what life, love and responsibility truly are.

Your child will learn from your relationship. Do you want your child to be in the same situation later in life?

Harsh words perhaps but don’t waste a single moment more of your life with him. I can promise you he will not change for the better once baby comes along.