Seething with anger, if that's even the right word

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Still dealing with aftermath of stbx's affair, over 2 years after D-Day. I didn't think I was angry, but deep down I think I really am.

Why is it that I'm the one who's getting screwed over in all of this? So many things to be angry about:

I always wanted children. Made it clear to him before we ever got engaged. He didn't really but wasn't honest about it. Left me to do literally everything for DS when he was born up to the point I found out about his affair, but now trying to play the part of devoted dad (fat fucking chance!), but I'm the one who loses time with my DS 50% of the time. This hurts the most.

One STD and consequent surgery later, I've still got bloody issues down there almost 3 months after the surgery. Why can't his bloody penis rot and fall off?

All the gaslighting, all the times he told me i was such a terrible wife and person to him meanwhile he's planning holidays with OW under the guise of business trips. with the help of a new therapist, i've only just come to realize how much shit i did, how much i put up with, and how much he beat my sense of self down. In 3 years, he literally never woke up once during the night to help with DS. All the time I was quietly suffering thinking I was a shit mum for not managing better, he was off with OW or thinking about OW. All the time he wouldn't spend more time at home, saying he needed to do longer hours at work after DS was born, he was planning how to be with OW.

All of his fake and lame attempts at so-called reconciliation. only realized too late he's incapable of such a thing, but let myself hope for sake of DS.

Being stuck in a rotten Trump loving part of a foreign country I never wanted to live in, because I made the mistake of trusting he was a faithful husband when I pretty much tanked my own career prospects to support his as a trailing spouse.

Applying for jobs in an industry I have no interest in and probably can't even get hired in because that's my only fall back plan if this godforsaken redneck place doesn't let me leave to go home with DS.

STBX making divorce as long, painful and damaging for me and DS as possible because he can't stand the thought that I am choosing to leave him.

How can someone be so morally bankrupt? he has actually told me he would get up and lie in court about the affair (I have all his travel bookings with her, his handwritten letters apologizing for being a cheat and liar etc) so that he can screw me over more in the settlement.

and i hate the term "wayward spouse". nope, they didn't get lost and trip and fall into OW, they made conscious decisions to cheat (maybe with the except of drunk/drugged one night stands). i've taken great satisfaction in calling him a cheater and a liar to his face. because in his mind, he's done nothing wrong, so being called a cheater shocks him and makes him flinch.

it's like a low burn in my gut that i can't get rid of. what can you do to get rid of it? i don't want to become that bitter person that can't let go, but because of DS i'm going to be linked to this horrid person for years to come.

why can't karma come and dump on these assholes like they deserve?

Is it worth speaking direct to his employer regarding the fees? I think I would get satisfaction out of trying even if just to alert them to what an abusive w*nker he is...

category12 About a year before I left him I got a job at a awful place, it was warehouse type work but was union so I had very good health insurance. The place was also near some lovely big old houses that had been converted into large apartments. I put all the money I made into a bank account I opened up in my name only. When I had enough saved for the first and last months rent and some needed household items, I made my move.

My husband thought he was getting a good deal because I wasn’t going after him financially and so he cooperated helping me move etc. Our divorce was uncontested and with 'reasonable child visitation’. My lawyer informed me I had to put down a $ amount for child support, which I did but told my husband he didn’t have to give it to me. I really needed to get away from him.

Once in my new apartment, which was sheer bliss, I could walk to work and also the YMCA daycare center where my son went during the day. I later got a better job and moved to the country where I could keep a horse. The house was at the end of the city bus line, 15 miles out of town. I could my bike most places or catch the bus. I never learned to drive until after I married my second husband six years later.

I made things easy for my ex-husband and so he was very reasonable in return, such as when it came to me taking our son to England for visits. I believe he would have been okay with me leaving the country with our son for good because he felt like he was getting away with something.

OP, immigration was not easier then, it was the same as it is now. My ex was/is an American and I got my green card paper work in order before leaving the U.K.

Is your son British?

Trump has not changed immigration laws but he does want the current laws upheld.

Stbx is not American and does not have a GC. There is no way I could have gotten a GC before we came here so it's not at all the same situation. If I had a GC already there would be nothing to complain about because id be fine staying here as I would then have the permanent right to work and live here.
As a foreigner without a GC under the current administration, it is going to be extremely difficult to get any kind of work visa considering I need sponsorship from an employer who would have to be willing to employ someone who's been out of work for 5 years.

random - his work couldn't care less. I couldn't even get information about my own visa situation. It's really crap - I've heard the same from the other trailing spouses as well.

shame.

As DS isn't a US citizen and your ex isn't resident in the States I do wonder how much they would pursue making you return him if you left? You are in affect returning to your and DS and Ex home country ahead of him?

I'm definitely not an expert and please correct me if I'm wrong but if none of you are American what us to stop you leaving with your child and going home?

Trump has not changed the laws. Nothing has changed under Trump. If you have a skill/talent an employer needs they will sponsor you and it should not matter if you have been unemployed for 5 yrs.

You have the uniqueness in “redneck country” of being an English lady, and that’ll give you a competitive edge when it comes to employment.

If anything the Trump administration upholding the current immigration laws would work in your favor, if you’re all British. Nobody will force you or your British son to stay in the U.S. if you are unable to work.

Maybe you need to talk to a Immigration Lawyer.

Your situation kind of reminds me of how I felt when I was a kid. I felt so trapped. I had really dysfunctional parents. All I could do was remind myself that when I was 18 I could get out. So I just had to bide my time and console myself that things would be better in the future.

Moving your son to a country where he would rarely - if ever - see his father would obviously be a massively difficult decision, however crap a dad he was. Wasn't one that I could take - though my residency/work situation is better than yours. (I'm in a part of Germany where the right-wing brigade are the strongest party.)

You're going to have to choose between doing that, and making the best of what you have where you are. I found that once I'd made that decision, it felt better.

Making the best of it would include things like looking into how you can squeeze more out of him, legally; establishing whether you would be better off if you moved towns (cheaper schooling / housing?); thinking about what might change if you remarried before your 10 years are up; getting a support network with anti-Trump locals so that you feel less alienated (moving out of my ex's circles and into my own new circles was a revelation to me).

Sounds like you've been minimising your anger - don't do it. Let it out and channel it into getting tough and taking really practical action. Do what you can to turn it around and get the best you can as fast as you can. Get clever, become an expert in the small print.

exhaustedmum - the hague convention. it doesn't matter if all of you are foreign born, once you establish residency in a new jurisdiction, any action regarding the children is subject to the laws of that jurisdiction. North america, the uk, most of europe are all signatories to the hague, and so if you take the children against the wishes of the other parent, the other parent can file a hague case against you and you can be found guilty of essentially child abduction. and the decision can be enforced in the other country.

random - stbx is being localized by his work, and they are sponsoring him for a green card. this is all essentially because he refused to discuss an informal agreement between us for us to stay married until the green card process was complete. that plus his realization i get half of all community property, which includes half of his pension because he started working after we got married. what he hasn't realized is i still continue to get half of his pension until he stops being foolish and stops dragging this out.

charolais - as i mentioned before i've already spoken to two different immigration lawyers. i'm quite clear on the facts in this case - that the courts here may rule that US born DS has to stay in the USA. they may even have ruled that even if he had not been a US citizen (yes, i asked that too). and that I may not be able to obtain my own visa. Especially given the current political atmosphere. having spoken to other expat spouses in the same situation, and also to others who have been through the visa process, as well as to immigration lawyers who apply for these visas day in and day out, i can fully assure you there has been a big change in the issuance of said visas under the new administration.

Nobody will force you or your British son to stay in the U.S. if you are unable to work. and again, i will tell you quite clearly that the law here is such that the court could order DS to stay here even if my visa expires and i am unable to obtain another. nobody is forcing me to stay in that case of course, but i can't think of any mother who would willingly abandon their child and return to another country.

another example i could give of this is the misconception of anchor babies. yes, in the past, undocumented mothers of US born children did not get deported, but were required to check in with immigration once or twice a year. the immigration lawyer i spoke to said this happened with no issues in the past. however, with the new administration, basically all of these undocumented mothers are now being arrested at their check in appointments and deported.

it's debatable whether being british has any cache whatsoever down here. that may be true if you are white, but i am not white. in terms of applying for jobs - indeed it does matter whether i have recent job experience when i'm competing against american citizens or green card holders of the same talents/skills and the same amount of experience. which applicant is a company going to hire? the one who can start right away or the one who needs a visa sponsorship? many of the companies in the field i'm in won't even consider someone who needs sponsorship to begin with.

raven if my immigration situation were at all different, i would stay so that DS could have more access to his dad. and yes, we could come to an agreement so that could happen except stbx refuses to discuss it. at this point, it must be a formal legally binding agreement, because i won't take the risk of saying we can hold off on divorce and include me on his work green card, only for him to screw me over before the GC is issued.

i know what his game is - he's trying to wait it out and delay the divorce until my visa expires, in the hope that i will give in and let him have all the marital assets in order to leave with DS. his attitude turned around the instant i told him he needed to get his pension numbers if he wanted to talk about splitting up assets. do i think less of him for that? of course i do, he wants me to buy our son to get away from his cheating ass.

i could argue that all of stbx talk of wanting to be near DS, wanting time with him etc, is BS since he had no problem leaving him/us for weeks at a time to go traipsing off to OW, and that now it's purely so he can claim to outsiders he's such a great dad. any semblance of caring i see has always been mimicry, even now. if stbx sees me saying something to DS, or doing something with DS, he immediately mimics and then says, oh look what a great job i'm doing.

we are in a fairly affordable area but i don't think i'll be able to manage the mortgage on my own. moving would be nice, but again, he would need to agree or the court would need to order it. literally i cannot even move DS out of this county or the adjoining counties - once you file for divorce, this comes into effect under a standing court order in this jurisdiction.

remarrying before 10 years is up - not sure what this is about? the 10 years is there's only automatic spousal support if you've been married more than 10 years, which we haven't. i can ask for it anyway due to the circumstances, and the court can agree. i luckily have a great group of friends here, who now all know the circumstances. it was such a relief once i was finally able to be honest about what was going on at home - it's such a stress/burden hiding everything that you don't realize until after it's no longer weighing you down. stbx has basically only one guy friend, whose DW (who knew about affair) has now dropped me - i believe due to stbx lying about what's happened, but i can accept that as now i know the DW wasn't my friend after all. when he moved out, he had to have his DB come from another country because he literally has no friends here to help him. if it were me, i have any number of friends who would help or who would let us stay with them. so staying in that sense wouldn't be so bad, it's literally just the immigration situation stopping me.

OP....i'd be scheming of ways to get him sacked from his job.

Without a job he's got no one sponsoring his visa.
He may find it impossible to find employment/an employer if his record shows that he's been arrested, cautioned or fined whilst a US resident.....

Playing dirty is the only language dicks like him understand.

heebie - i've definitely thought of that too. sadly so far he hasn't broken any company rules that i know of. he was extremely careful not to fiddle expenses on his trips with OW. also, i have to be careful about contacting his employer other than for legitimate purposes (such as my own visa etc).

re the 10 years - you said "sometimes i think i just need to wait another 10-12 years and DS will be free to decide for himself, and others the thought of being tied in any way to stbx for that long feels unbearable."
Just saying that a lot can happen in 10 years that might make your life easier. He might move jobs, you might remarry - half of divorcees remarry within 5 years...

I'm so soon for your situation, reading your posts. I refused to move to the US a number of years ago because a) I had concerns about the marriage and b) because I knew he'd not let me take my kids home if (when) it fell apart
The marriage didn't survive anyway and I am still trapped with him
But at least I am in my own country/working etc
Life is awful though. I hope things change and improve for you OP.

From what you are telling me I am extremely pleased the Trump administration is clamping down on illegal immigration and that anchor baby bullshit.

I asked you if the child was American and you didn’t answer so I assumed he was British.

My son was married to British woman and she took their child to England for a holiday never came back. Their child was born in the U.S. btw. She let her green card expire and now bitterly regrets her choices. My point is you could have done the same with your son. You should have planned better, but I suspect you just want to settle in the U.S. and I don’t blame you at all.

I honestly see absolutely nothing in OP's posts that suggests she is angling to stay in the USA, let alone the part of the USA she is currently stuck in. I don't see the problem being OP's lack of planning rather a toxic combination her STBXH behaviours and the immigration laws of the USA.

I say this as someone currently living quite happily in the USA, albeit in a trump hating area 😉

Eh the OP doesn't have a green card and doesn't want to stay, her son is born in the US and her H won't let her leave so she is stuck against her wishes!!!

Charolais you are wrong! Did you actually read the thread?

So sorry about your grandchild, but it's the opposite of Op.

Op does not want to stay in the US so why would she have an anchor baby?

She just wants to live in the same country as her young son.

ICE won't let her stay in the US, cheating husband won't let her take her child home to England.

What would you suggest she do??

raven ah ok, i see what you're saying. stbx is one of those narcs, who will continue to try to control me through DS. so right now i am trying to practice gray rock as much as possible, and communicate the minimum possible about DS. when DS gets old enough, i'll no longer need to communicate with stbx about him, so that to me is when i'd truly be free. (and i don't mean it would stop me from having meaningful relationships otherwise).

molly why are you trapped with him?

charolais - i don't want this to turn into a discussion on illegal immigration as that's not what this is about. and for women like me, who are legitimately in the US on proper visas, who through no fault of their own will lose their visas and are then forced to choose between leaving their DC behind or becoming undocumented, there is no real path forward to give us the opportunity to stay legally. (unless you think women like us should suck it up and stay in marriages with cheating, emotionally abusive, controlling
assholes).

i may be able to find a job because my education is in the right category, but what about the poor sot who has no college degree and no work experience... and sure, i might eventually find an employer willing to sponsor me, but if anything happens to that employment, i get returned right back to square one.

whether DS is American or not is irrelevant - the Hague convention and family law applies whether he is a US citizen or not, and this has been confirmed by two different lawyers here. (you're right i didn't notice you asked and thought i had already made clear, DS holds triple citizenship, US, UK and one other country). For your son, he would have been entitled to file a Hague case against his ex-wife if she did not have his agreement to permanently move the child back to the UK. Personally, I wouldn't take the risk and put myself in a situation where STBX could file for such a thing - if he were successful, an arrest warrant could be issued for me and DS returned.

"You should have planned better" wtf is that supposed to mean?i absolutely did not want to move to the USA, and have never wanted to. Sometimes we make (the wrong) choices and do things we don't want for the sake of the family that we think we have. I came here on the basis of having a faithful husband and the hope that we would be together for the rest of our lives, regardless of where we lived. Indeed when we came he was on an expat assignment and most likely would have been sent home, and there was no expectation he would become localized and that the company would sponsor him to stay. I would love nothing better than to leave this place and return home, but in case i haven't said it enough times my DS cannot be moved from this county/state and i will not risk being put in jail in the future for taking DS without permission or having him taken away from me.

also why the fuck would i want to settle in the US? even looking forward if i did have a green card - maybe i would get a higher salary if i managed to find a technical job in my field, but i'll be paying higher taxes that don't give me anything back. if i were to return home, there'd be much better social assistance for me as a single parent, a much higher acceptance in the working world of women who may have flexible working hour needs/family emergencies, and another key one is healthcare. sure healthcare here is top notch but you pay through the nose for it. once i have to fund my own coverage here, i'm going to be bleeding money for the privilege of seeing a dr. if the surgery i recently had isn't enough to stop the progression of precancerous cells to cancer, i'm going to have serious problems finding the money to pay for the necessary treatment. i can't afford to spend tens of thousands of dollars on insurance and copays and deductibles with a DS to support, never mind loss of income from being off work or potentially just outright losing my job.

i think i've tried to make it quite clear i have had plenty of legal advice as well as the research i've done on my own. i've spoken to international family law attorneys in 3 different countrys, and two different immigration lawyers, so i'm not talking out of my ass here. just because STBX doesn't know what's ethically or morally right, doesn't mean that i will break the rules just to get my own way. but that doesn't mean i can't come on here and vent my anger about the whole situation.

toomany and random - thanks, that sums it up and i didn't think i'd given that impression!

ljny - exactly. (although technically DS is an anchor baby, only i've already explained how that's a misnomer and doesn't help in any way).

ugh, suspected before but now pretty much know, stbx is trying to discourage DS from speaking to me on facetime when he's with him (we have an arrangement to call at bedtime) by giving him an incentive to get off the phone quicker. what a sack of shit. that along with buying him expensive toys every time he sees him. does he really think i can't see what he's doing?