Help me have a healthy financial relationship

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I’m moving in with DP soon and I want us to have a healthier relationship with money than I’ve had in the past. In my previous relationship I paid for everything for 20 years (yeah, I know!) and I've noticed that anytime costs are to be shared, even lunch with friends, I feel uncomfortable if I don’t pay significantly more than my share. It’s a control thing, isn’t it?

I've been with DP 18 months and I've paid a bit more than half for meals out, tickets, and holidays, at my insistence.

I want to get this right when we're living together. Do I just pay half of the household costs including mortgage? And how do people approach bigger costs like improvements in the house or replacing cars? Does it matter who earns what?

DP and I can definitely talk about this, but what is normal and how do I relinquish my control freakery?

I think if it's that ingrained, you probably need to see a trained counsellor to work out why you're doing it and how to stop.
Is it to control people, really? Has it ever actually given you control?
Or is it because you think you need to buy them?

Have a joint account and a separate one each. Contribute the same about or the same proportion of salaries to the joint account and agree what the money can be used for - bills, food, holidays, meals out, home improvements etc. and what you will pay separately - cars, nights out with friends, clothes...and stick to it!

Thanks guys

Ellisandra I will try a practical approach to sharing finances initially. If I feel I'm still having trouble with control, I'll consider counselling

I think you need to just talk about it together and also get yourself some support if you feel you need it. For us, we don't have a joint account (mostly out of laziness, we just never got around to it, we've been married 6 years now, one day we will though). We just each have our bills we pay and it works out roughly equal, give or take depending on who has more income that month (my husband runs a business so his salary is a bit more variable and he pays himself more in the busy season and less in the quiet season). He pays for the house and a few other household expenses (internet, etc.). I pay for all the food shopping (because I do it), childcare costs, incidentals like clothes and shoes for our daughter. We each have our own cars and we bought and pay for expenses for them ourselves. When big expenses come along (electricity which we pay once a year, council tax), one of us pays it and the other pays that person half. But if ever we have a tight month, as our income can be a bit variable, whoever has more sends money to the one with less so neither of us every struggles. That works for us, but we also aren't super anxious about making sure it's truly half and half. Everything is 'ours' really and we have similar incomes, so it doesn't matter if one pays more in a given month, as it all balances out eventually.

To answer your question though more specifically, in terms of household improvements, if it's a jointly owned home, you should both pay. If it's a home owned by one of you and not the other, then I think personally that the homeowner should pay as they get the benefit to the value of the property, even if you split up down the line. Like I said above, cars, unless you own them jointly, are your own personal property, so I think it's each of your responsibilities to pay for them, petrol, repairs, tax, etc. Obviously, you wouldn't leave the other in a lurch though and if my husband's car needed repairs and he didn't have the money, I would of course pay for it, but expect it to be repaid. I think if you have significantly different incomes than you can work out expenses generally on a percentage basis. For instance, when I'm on maternity leave, my husband takes over paying more things (though we don't actually sit down and work out the numbers exactly) because I don't have as much income to spend each month.

It is really difficult to approach finances in a healthy way op. When I was married to exh I was financially abused and stopped from accessing work and work skills so I had no control over anything. When I took the dc and left I learned to do it all myself and loved having complete control over my earnings and being a single parent.

However this had an impact when I met dp as I was reluctant to share costs, it took a while for me to trust him enough to give him input and share everything 50/50.

Now that's dealt with we have great shared finances though and put everything in a family pot , pay all bills then split what's left equally. I learned to let him treat me too , in the beginning I even insisted that I give him cash for a latte when we went for coffee.

It takes time to feel comfortable though op , I do understand that.