Do I Leave?

[Kellymc1988]

Hi

Hope to get some advice or other peoples perspective.
Husband and I have been together for 8.5 years. Married nearly 4 and have a 1.5yr old.
I feel like I have been unhappy for a while. I go through phases. My husband is a very difficult person at times, he likes to be in control of everything, he will disagree with every decision I make, he will undermine me how every he can, he firmly believes he is superior to me- and treats me as a child (dispite having a really good career as a senior manage in huge firm, a degree etc etc). His need to be ‘right’ is just awful sometimes.
An example: very recently I asked him to keep the shower running, I ws jumping straight in. he turned it off. Because I was so rushed I got straight in and turned it on- he said it’ll get too hot initially don’t do tht. Sure enough, is scolded my whole chest- I mean really, really badly- skin came off. And his response was – I told you so. Literally. (I know I made a mistake, but your first thought is to do that rather than help me?) so you get an idea, hes not that nice to me.
Most recently he rocked the boat with a stag do incident, whereby he went to a lapdancing bar (not an issue) and paid for a private lapdance (in private room, alone, where she was totally naked. (I had issues). He didn’t stop for a second to think that it wouldn’t be nice that I know that, that I might feel uncomfortable, having just had a baby and working fulltime plus all the house stuff so no time to work out or get into a shape I am confident with- something he does nothing to help me with and regularly puts me down/makes jokes.
In terms of responsibilities, I work a much more demanding job, in terms of responsibility, but also do all the housework, cooking, lunches, washing/drying/ironing and even shopping. I sort out all events/plans/birthdays/gifts etc etc. I get little to no recognition, but he will happily dish out critiques…
Of late I have started taking our boy out at the weekends without him, leaving husband at home, because his controlling and miserable behaviour just brings the mood down and frankly stresses me out. My family all see him do this, so its not in my head or anything.
I know he loves me, I also know hes been raised so differently to me and cant show emotion, can express anything, I don’t fel I can handle it anymore. He is a good father, and a good husband, just not for me?
Anyway, at the moment im feeling really negative about everything. I feel like even though I know being single would be hard, I would be happier. Any thoughts? Stay for my child? Stay and try work through it?

OP I grew up in foster care for the first ten years of my life. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused. The scars of that childhood are still there if you scratch the surface. Not once have I ever been deliberately unkind or controlling to DH. Not once have I seen him hurt or injured and said "I told you so". I show emotion, I'm his biggest cheerleader and I try every single day to be the best person I can, for him, for the DCs but mostly for me, to never be the victim of my own childhood.

A shitty childhood is not an excuse for behaviour like this. It doesn't mean you get to crap all over the people you build a life with. Functioning adults choose their behaviour. They choose their words. They choose their actions. Your DH is choosing to be this man. He's choosing to be this father.

He isn't going to change. He isn't going to evolve. He's perfectly happy living his selfish, spoiled life knowing you'll always be there to clear up his mess and accept his awful behaviour. You can only work through it if he wants to change. He doesn't, so you've two choices; do you stay and let him ruin the rest of your life and that of your DC, or do you leave and give yourself chance to build something more? To rebuild your self-esteem and happiness?

It's easy to sit on here and post "I'd leave". Harder to do so in real life. But please put yourself and your child first and find a way to stop this man hurting you both.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what emotional needs of yours are being met here?.

How can you write he is a good father?. Did you feel slightly sick to your stomach when writing that. Do not lie to yourself so!!!. Women in rubbish relationships often write such denying guff when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. You have written nothing at all positive about your H.

BTW he would have acted the self same regardless of whom he married; he targeted you really.

He is neither a good husband to you or father to his son if he can and does treat you both like this. He is no role model for his son either; he could well grow up to be a carbon copy of his dad. You want that for your son?. Another red flag here amongst many is his unemotional family of origin; they made him the ways he is now.

Do not stay either for your child (bad, bad move that) or just as bad try to work through it. It won't work and this cannot be fixed. The only opinion that matters to your H is your H's; he thinks that little of you and controlling behaviours like he shows you is all about power and control. He can and does say and do what he likes whilst keeping you in your place. Controlling behaviours are abusive in nature. This man only loves his own self absorbed and selfish self.

Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations are well worth talking to as well and they can and will help you. He won't let you go easily and will in all likelihood make the process of divorce from him as long and protracted as possible.

0808 2000 247 is WA's number. Do call them when it is safe for you to do so.

I left an abusive man and believe me lone parenting is way easier than being in a shit relationship.

Sounds like your family would be supportive.

My view is work out how to separate and co-parent.

There is no excuse for his behaviour. Read the listen up thread.

Leave as soon as you can

"a good husband, just not for me?"

not a good husband for anyone! look at your list of what you've said.

you would be much happier single, I'm sure.

thank you...
i apreciate the thoughts of you ladies so far, my only worry having read my post is that i have been entrily one sided.
whilst his positive qualities do not excuse or negate from the issues i have with him, they are the reasons i stay, and have done for so long:
when he chooses to be he can be thoughtful, and caring. In terms of being a good father, he is controlling and a pain but this is how he was raised and its sadly all he knows. he does love our child more than anything, would die for him and i know how much our son means to him (again another reason I am still here, it kills me to hurt my husband by taking his child away, him not seeing him everyday.)

its no excuse, (and its something I have discussed at length with him, but it never changes) but he was raised in a perfectly nice family, but theyre cold, and dull and dont do anything FUN. his parents are still married, but in a relationship with no love or excitement. he never went travelling as a kid, never did activities like trick or treating, never lived basically. and i fear thats all he knows. I fear ebcause his parents are well established financially, because theyre married 37+ years, that this is what he see's as a functioning marriage.

Kelly "when he chooses to be he can be thoughtful, and caring. In terms of being a good father, he is controlling and a pain but this is how he was raised and its sadly all he knows"

oh dear. This sounds like my dad. With whom I am very low contact indeed....if not for my mother I'd have cut off contact about 15 years ago).

Obviously as a child I just had to put up with it, but as an adult, I chose not to. My dad had an odd upbringing too (not from the UK) and in many ways he made progress - but not enough for his children to really care about him. I also missed out on an awful lot of things as a child and at 41, I haven't forgotten.

This is actually a bigger issue than what you said initially tbh. He is a controlling man? And you can say he can be lovely when he chooses - we can all do that easily. The hard part is being kind and considerate when you are tired and pissed off and fraught - that's where the important stuff is. Even I can be an absolute delight when I choose to!

When you say you have been one sided - you have in that you only told us about his mother.

I think you are trying to distract yourself from a whole set of other issues.