Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I let ex in my home?

25 replies

meowimacat · 27/09/2017 18:04

Separated 6 months. Ex lives with his parents right now while he figures things out for himself. I took on our family home and deal with all the financials myself. He see's the kids maybe once in the week when he comes over after work for a couple of hours and then has them overnight maybe once every 2 weeks - all on his terms. I have them most of the time and do EVERYTHING for them.

When he comes over I always go out as I don't like the atmosphere and also don't want to be near him. However, I've found he's been snooping through my things, going on my laptop (I changed the password last time and it came up showing he had tried too many times to sign in so it needed a password reset.) He's found out personal things about me that I didn't want him knowing - reading letters addressed to me. Also just today he commented on how much I'm spending due to things being in my house that I've bought, but in a negative way as though I'm spending too much.

I hate him coming over now and don't want him here any more. Feel like I'm being watched too closely, and it's bringing back memories of his horrible controlling behaviour.

I told him I don't want him over any more if he's going to be going through my things and now I'm getting abuse back. Am I right to be annoyed by this? He says I'm stopping him seeing his kids, but I told him he can take them out now instead of coming in the house if he's going to go through my stuff.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacle · 27/09/2017 18:06

No - of course you shouldn't let him in. You have already been more than gracious and he has abused that. Let him take them and do not let him in.

WinchestersInATardis · 27/09/2017 18:10

Absolutely not. You have been extremely accommodating and he has taken advantage of that and crossed some huge boundaries.
I suggest you get your locks changed.

GlitterSparkles17 · 27/09/2017 18:12

Christ what a nob!! Still trying to control your life even now, tell him he can take the kids to his parents house or to the park or somewhere fun for them, he has no right to be snooping around and your not being unreasonable at all

SandyY2K · 27/09/2017 18:13

Don't let him in any more. Stand firm.

Original poster
meowimacat · 27/09/2017 18:14

Thanks guys. He's making me feel like I'm being horrible and stopping him seeing the kids which I would NEVER do.

It's all control with him. But sometimes I can't see it until I get another opinion.

OP posts:
Bobbins43 · 27/09/2017 18:16

Fuck, no. He can meet the kids somewhere else. My ex moved out about a year ago now and the day he left I had the locks changed and he hasn’t set foot through the door since.

You’ve been nice enough. And he’s been a creepy dickhead. Enough’s enough

Theresnonamesleft · 27/09/2017 18:22

It really depends on if you are married or if not, if he is on the mortgage/tenancy agreement.
He may have rights

Hissy · 27/09/2017 18:23

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Never ever allow this again.

And I said this quietly to myself at the title

Your reason for not allowing this is basically from this part of your op:

When he comes over I always go out as I don't like the atmosphere

That’s all you need to make that decision. It’s your home, he’s walked away, you can have who you want in it.

If COURSE he thinks you’re outrageously unreasonable, you’re stopping him control your life, meddle in your every day and basically piss you off because he’s a sad and bitter twat that you are SOOOO much better off without

Remember that he’s NOT a good father to do as he’s been doing, so it’s basically NOT your job to facilitate his whims and wishes.

Let him make the required effort, and if it means your kids get less exposure to his toxicity, so be it!

Not their loss at all...

Hissy · 27/09/2017 18:26

The answer to this twat is:

You’ve gone through my things, you’ve got a fucking nerve even having the cheek to draw breath in my presence, now fuck off once and for all and sort your life out.

If he gets crappy, call the police on him. Every. Single. Time.

kittensinmydinner1 · 27/09/2017 18:39

Not as simple as that I'm afraid- although he may not realise it. Is the house owned or mortgaged ? Contrary to lots of advice on here it is NOT legal to change the locks if he is a joint tenant or a joint owner. Unless you have an occupation order, or he has given up/been taken off of the lease.
If he's not a joint owner and is not on the lease then yes. Tell him he can't come in and must take the children somewhere else as he can no longer be trusted. He has abused your generosity and therefore it is no longer welcome.

Hissy · 27/09/2017 18:46

He has moved out, she has taken over the financial aspect of the property, he has no reason to be there unless invited

She doesn’t have to let him in.

CoyoteCafe · 27/09/2017 19:20

If he still is on any paper work, get him taken off.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 27/09/2017 19:23

What time is he actually spending with the kids? It sounds like he's far too busy snooping through your things instead.

I would point this out to him and tell him that taking the children out during his time is doing him a favour, as it will remove the temptation to play detective and allow him to focus 100% of his attention on the children instead...

Princesspinkgirl · 27/09/2017 21:55

No dont

Original poster
meowimacat · 27/09/2017 22:24

We rent, not married. He's still on the paperwork but he doesn't pay a penny towards the place. The reason he's still on there at the moment is because I'm self employed and so if I take him off my landlady might ick me out - but he thinks I have taken him off it.

He's just called me selfish and self centred and he's disgusted that I would stop him coming over. Now told me he's not going to bother seeing our kids and that he might kill himself in the future....

Oh the joy.

OP posts:
Original poster
meowimacat · 27/09/2017 22:25

kick* me out

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 27/09/2017 22:31

Don't reply to him he's trying to get you to back down, there's zero reason why he can't take the kids out and youve told him this, he's choosing not to out of spite, sounds like there's a very good reason why he's your ex!! Stay strong and remember your doing nothing wrong

cestlavielife · 27/09/2017 22:32

The dc can visit him And grandparents at their house

The response to he will not see them /will kill himself is
No response or "ok".

Wallywobbles · 27/09/2017 22:36

And that's meant to make you feel sad. Hahaha.

I'd text back I'll get some champagne in just in case.

Maelstrop · 27/09/2017 22:37

Dear god, the script never varies does it? He's going to stop seeing the kids and kill himself? But of course he will! Whatever. Present the kids at the door and wave them off (if you think it's safe). Don't let him into your house anymore.

kittensinmydinner1 · 27/09/2017 22:37

Don't get into his drama. If he thinks he's off the paperwork then tell him to bugger off. He can see the kids at his parents. Anything else in these circumstances is controlling.

schoolgaterebel · 27/09/2017 22:42

Basically he is saying that he is going to kill himself because you won’t let him into your home. (Ridiculous)

It is the loss of power & control that’s he’s upset about, which proves your gut instinct is right.

Mom2K · 27/09/2017 23:01

I honestly don't know why someone would allow the ex into the home under ANY circumstance. He moved out, end of discussion. My ex kept trying to weasel his way into my entryway when picking up/dropping off the kids and I firmly told him straight from the get go that he was not to step foot in my home. I very quickly send the kids in and out and shut the door. He said that it hurt his feelings, but frankly I don't give a flip. They all try this manipulative crap, don't let it get to you. His time with the kids has nothing to do with you and your home, and I think it's actually better for the kids not to visit him in your home as I would think that could be confusing for them. They need to understand what the situation is and get used to it (which I believe would happen fai quickly).

Iamabuyingbootsaddict · 28/09/2017 01:06

I had a similar experience OP. Ex got very angry that I wouldn't let him in my new house. As other posters have said he will be seething at his lack of control of you. Stand strong, don't let him in under any circumstances. My ex now doesn't even come near my driveway let alone the house !! He picks DS up at the end of the road. Luckily my DS is 16 now and he prefers this anyway so as long he is ok that's all I've ever worried about. As far as ex's go ... Once a twat, always a twat. There's no changing that sort.

thequeenoftarts · 28/09/2017 02:16

Second the get the champagne in reply. I am still waiting on my ex to do the deed, 10 years later sighhhhhhhhhhhh. No flipping chance I would be so lucky :(

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread