Horribly complicated situation

[sonicist]

I'm a 42 year old man with a partner (I'll describe her as such for convenience, although as you'll see the situation is a little less clear cut) of the same age for 16 years and a 6 year old son. For a long time - I mean years -, the relationship between my partner and I has been essentially platonic. We sleep in the same bed, but there is no sexual contact between us (mostly at her request). She's also been very clear with me that if I wanted intimacy, I should seek it elsewhere (even saying explicitly "If you need sex, go and have some sex").

We've been basically co-parenting for the sake of our son, and while we get on OK for the most part, there's not much in the way of affection; in fact, she has quite a quick temper, frequently raises her voice to shouting/screaming level during arguments and has hit me round the head on several occasions over the years when very angry (I must point out I have never, ever done the same to her). Things almost always have to be on her terms, and she has issued the threat of taking my son away from me on more than one occasion before.That said, things are generally civil for the most part.

So, on to my dilemma. I recently met someone else, and we clearly hit it off. I told my partner about this, and she was initially very supportive of the idea of me going on a date with this lady; she was even playfully calling me "casanova" and treating it all as a bit of fun. I took this, in the context of our platonic/co-parenting/whatever-you-want-to-call-it relationship, as a positive and supportive thing. I was honest with everyone - both my current partner and the new lady - about the situation as it stands; I didn't want to deceive anybody.

Fast forward two weeks. I've been out twice with this new lady, we like each other a lot and the potential is there for this to grow into something more. In the meantime, however, my current partner has grown increasingly cold and detached. We have talked about this, and it seems that for all her rhetoric before, and the platonic nature of our relationship, she is not happy with me dating this other woman. She has told me, in so many words, that I need to choose between seeing this new person and living with my family.

I'm feeling so torn - maybe I was being naive to believe she'd be OK with this in spite of what she's been saying for years, and yes, maybe I did try to have my cake and eat it - but I really feel at a crossroads here. Should I abandon any hope of a new relationship to stay living in the same house as my son, but at the cost of being happy in my love life, quite possibly permanently (I'll be approaching 60 by the time he leaves home)? Or should I follow my heart and my happiness, and possibly grow into a better and happier man as a result of being out of an environment where I haven't really been happy or myself for a long time? Before all this happened, we were making plans for the future, including moving abroad as a family at some point within the next year or two (as a result of Brexit, but this isn't the time or place to get into politics). This would completely throw all that up in the air.

It's also worth mentioning that a large part of my worry is what will happen to them if we do split up. She doesn't have a full-time job (she is an actor/ performer, and only has occasional jobs) and is home educating our son. We are also a fairly low-income family - I do not have the means to run two households, and I don't want them to end up in a hostel. Of course I would support them as best I could to the limits of my ability. But if I stay, I fear I'll be resentful and miserable from now on, and that won't be fair to anyone, including myself. This feels almost impossible.

The hitting and screaming is unacceptable even if just once. However if she had PND or similar, maybe these are two of many issues to work through with a counsellor.

I think your best bet is living on your own for 6 months.

I think you have to leave your long term partner for your own sanity.

As for fiances where there is a will there is a way. Maybe she needs to find more stable employment?

Always choose happiness.

Tell your partner that you'll be ending the current arrangement in X months. Encourage her to find a job that provides a steady income within that X amount of time. Find a school for your kid too.

When that X amount of time is up, move into your
new place and stop paying all bills for the old home. Only pay CM and anything other costs related to the kid.

Your platonic partner is an adult and should be living like one as well. She needs to provide for your child as much as you needs to.

Have fun with the new relationship.

Are you happy with your son being brought up by a violent abuser?

Think your relationship is over

You can still be a good father even if not with the mother

Sounds miserable as sin living with a violent and aggressive partner with no affection or human contact.

Don't suggest you jump into a new relationship immediately though
"Daddy left us for her" may well be the next line.

NotTheFordType - to be fair, she is a very good mother. In spite of everything, I genuinely don't believe she would ever do anything to hurt him.

There is only one way forward here, both you and your partner deserve a chance of happiness and I can't see how that can happen if you stay together. You don't sound as though you're in love with her and neither of you has been prepared/able to address the problems in your relationship so there doesn't appear to be enough there for either of you to fight for. Your post reads more as though you know deep down you want out but are (understandably) scared and overwhelmed by the enormity of leaving than someone who is genuinely conflicted about what you want to do.

I get that there's all sorts of complications to splitting up but, to put it bluntly, you just have to find a way. She will likely have to make some changes, become more financially independent etc but she presumably realised that when she issued her ultimatum. There are of course implications for your son, splitting up will mean upset and upheaval for him but you also have to factor in the damage your current situation would cause long term. His model for what a relationship should look like will be deeply unhealthy and will affect his own relationships when he's adult.

Leaving a 16 year relationship, especially when you have DC, will feel huge and you wouldn't be human if you weren't scared but I think you know your current setup isn't sustainable or healthy for any of you. I think it's time to be brave and give yourself and your partner a chance of something better.

Definitely follow your heart and do what makes you happy. As a child who grew up in a home with two parents who didn't have a loving, affectionate relationship early in my life, I can say I was so much happier when they separated and were leading lives that were more fulfilling for them. It will be good for your son, better than him living in a home where he can't see a loving relationship modelled by his parents.

As for your partner, I think she probably needs to get her own things together and figure out for herself how she will provide for her family. Being a performer is great, but it's gotta pay the bills. If she can't support herself in the work she's doing, at her age, it's time to get a different job where she can. Same with home education. It's a wonderful thing to do when you have the means, but if you are already low income, it seems like your son might be best served by being in school and enabling your partner to work so she can be a bit more financially secure. But I don't think you should hold back on taking the steps you need in life to be happy and feel loved just because you are worried about her.

I feel so much for you, OP.

From what I understand about your partner, she was expecting you to keep sex as a purely physical thing with someone else. She wasn't expecting you to develop feelings or find someone who is more than just sex to you. Which some people can do - they can compartmentalise those feelings.

I personally don't think it's possible to be in a platonic relationship with someone unless you both agree that you're not going to seek sex elsewhere. Else there is always the danger that this could happen.

What were the circumstances in you stopping having sex?
The hitting and screaming etc is unacceptable in any relationship.

Also in my experience, happy parents = happy kids. They can sense when their parents aren't happy and when there is tension in the home. I know people who have stayed together for a while "for the kids", everyone was miserable and it wasn't a healthy environment to raise children in. When they moved on, they could focus their emotions on being better parents, on making happy memories instead of grinning and bearing it and treading on eggshells every day.

Your partner sounds like a bit of a control freak of the 'My way, or no way' genre. For all her threats and stamping her foot, you could legally separate and let family court decide upon access if things get nasty with her. While you share a bed and a home with her, your chances of a long term relationship with another person are pretty low. It sounds like you have found someone understanding, but you are in the honeymoon giddy period where 'problems' fade away. When you have been dating a while, the lady may expect progress to be made and you to demonstrate commitment to her. You worry about finances, but by moving out then you are forcing your partner to be mature and get a proper job. Acting is a hobby until it pays a full time salary after all. I would love to be a full time artist painting all the time, but it doesn't pay like the day job!

Don't make this move for your new love interest. Do it for yourself, for your child and your future. Don't move abroad with a child involved as you may need the family courts to back you up, and that will prove very difficult in another jurisdiction.

I think that it's really only a matter of time before your primary relationship ends. It isn't a status quo that can go on forever. It just isn't. I think you need an exit plan.

Is your son "yours" in the legal sense of the word? If not, that changes things somewhat.

I suggest talking to a solicitor. I suggest putting your son in school. I suggest telling your partner that the gig is up, and she needs to get a real job.

I agree that the person you've seen a couple of times isn't someone to make a big decision based on, or to move in with. You barely know her. Just think of it as reminding you what it is like to be happy, and nothing more. You can move toward happiness, but in a calm way to built a foundation for the next stage of your life.

I don't see how she can possibly be 'a very good mother' when she behaves as you have described...

This is just the same as every other poster who says 'my h is a great dad'...

Someone who is a great parent doesn't continue to expose their child to a relationship that includes screaming, verbal and physical abuse, nevermind the coldness and lack of affection.

She can't actually take your son away you know? You should not allow her to threaten you with this but equally you should not continue raising him in this relationship either which is all about resentment, shouting, hitting and no love.

CoyoteCafe, yes he is my son, biologically and legally. Also agree about the new woman - she is really sweet, but it's not about her. It's about me realising that I should be feeling good about myself, as you said

Oh and I don't think you should put too much stock in this new relationship...

You need to get your house in order before you are in a place for meeting someone new. I appreciate she led you to believe that meeting someone new was fine but it is clear that it isn't in reality so unfortunately you probably need to put all your effort into ending your relationship and transitioning into separated coparenting.

If this is meant to work out with the new woman then she'll be there (or someone else will) when the dust settles.

She can't take your son away from you.

Everyone deserves to be happy.

Put the relationship with the new lady on the back burner until you have this sorted out.....if it's meant to be, a few months won't make a difference.
You need to start separation proceedings.

Good luck with your new life. I'm sure your DC will be much better off having parents that aren't living a lie and living with a strained atmosphere. You can have 50/50 care.

"In spite of everything, I genuinely don't believe she would ever do anything to hurt him."

Really? You don't think exposing him to his father being hit and verbally abused affects your DS? And how would you classify her preventing your son having contact with you? That wouldn't hurt him too?

From what you've said, your "d"p is a horror show and if you were talking to a friend and they told you that this was happening to them, I'm pretty sure you'd tell them straight away to leave.

I suspect the DP isn't that much of a horror and has just been painted that way to get certain answers.

I think you need to move out and live independently because your getting lots of things mixed up. Like you are assuming this women will deliver a happy future when in fact it's simply lust and affection you're feeling. You've painted your DP as an unhappy future yet haven't gone to couples counselling to work through issues.

I would like to know exactly how many years ago you were Hit OP. Physical abuse is unacceptable.

I think you need to get out of your abusive relationship double quick. If the assaults continue, get the police involved too.
The OW has shown you the light that you can be happy. Go for it & don't look back.

She doesn't have a full-time job (she is an actor/ performer, and only has occasional jobs) and is home educating our son

Unless your child has special needs, these are two things that can change.

Your maintenance will be based on your income - it won't be much.

Are you currently renting your home? If so, she may well decide she has to move to a cheaper property in order to be able to cover the rent herself.

You definitely definitely need a meeting with a solicitor. You are not married, so she is not entitled to much (if anything) besides maintenance, so stop catastrophising.

If she is able bodied, and your child has no SN, she will manage. She will get children's allowance, tax credits etc. There is a website called entitledto that can calculate what you can get. She may be entitled to more than you think after you leave.

It isn't complicated if you break it down into priorities.

So sorry you are in this situation. I understand your concern to care for and co-parent your son, but it isn't a healthy relationship.

The Brexit thing: is she a European national? Would she take your son abroad if you split?

Research the money. If you split you will pay child maintenance, and she will be due benefits.

I would have a good think about all this. Maybe set a time limit, not see your new friend until all is sorted to take the heat out of any split. In tne end sex elsewhere is different to a relationship.

It sounds like your priority is your son. Don't be afraid to make that your priority if that's what you truly want. If you want to continue living with your son then you need to put things in place now so that when you do split, you can successfully apply for full or joint 50/50 custody.

It's taboo to say but sometimes children are much better off living with their fathers.

I'm no expert but I imagine putting DS in school is an important first step. Documenting DW's violence. Adjusting your work hours to spend more time with DS. Getting finances in order. All the same steps a woman would take to prepare for an acrimonious separation.

It sounds like she's had a reality check and has realised her life will change massively if you meet and fall in love with someone else and want to move out etc. She prob would be fine for you to just have sex but a relationship threatens her way of life. She's using you. And abusing you. You need to leave and go for 50/50 access to your son. Good luck.