This situation is really new to me.
I've got myself into a situation of my own doing. My own fault. I was going through a difficult time and followed my heart instead of my head.
An old friend got back in contact after 6/7 years of drifting apart. There was a brief period of fooling around when we first knew each other, but nothing emotional and we were just young and both quite self destructive. I since met someone and had 2 amazing children. My relationship with the father of my children has always been complex. He has his own issues and I have mine. I'm not claiming no fault, but after 2 solid years of trying to help him through his problems, and his refusal to change, his issues affected our lives in quite a destructive manner.
I left him. With the understanding that if he got help and worked through his problems and I could trust him again, maybe we could try again in the future.
I started talking a lot more to my friend and leaning on him through my difficulties. As he was around from before I became 'mum', and knew the old me, the part of me that I don't get to be anymore because I'm a sahm to 2 young children.
Part of the ease of our friendship came from both having had mental illness in the past and having been through the same things. It felt amazing to be able to talk to someone freely, and not have to owe them anything or be anyone other than my self with no demands or repercussions.
And obviously you know what happened...
We started to develop feelings. Things got so intense so fast. I made it very clear that what I had to offer was very limited as my children came before anyone and anything and it was still very early days from leaving my partner and trying to find my feet.
Things came to head yesterday. What I was offering was simultaneously not enough and too much. Things were happening too slowly for him but too fast at the same time. These intense emotions were two people clinging on to something to keep the numbness at bay.
It because very clear to both of us that he was not free of his problems. I will never be free of mine, but they are buried under the responsibility and need to be a good mum to my babies.
And so we need to let go. We need to put this behind us and close the door. After 4 years with my emotionally closed, partner who never made me feel like anything other than a convenience, (due to his inability to communicate any emotions and fear of them), having someone who talked about his feelings and cared and wanted me to feel good about myself, it was a lifeline I clung to in a very dark moment.
I now know that who he is and what my life is are not compatible. And I don't know how to let go and move past this. I don't know how to not love him. I don't know how to close the chapter on what we had and what we felt.
I just need advice on how I can say goodbye to the part of me that wanted him and wanted it to work and saw a future that could have been something special.
We have said our goodbyes and talked about what happened and why it can't work. He is seeking help again and I already have my counselling referral. I just feel like I've woken up from the best and worst dream ever and I'm so lost.
I had my life. I had my future, and my partner ruined that, and now I've made it harder for myself because I was weak and sought comfort from someone.
Any advise would be so very appreciated as I am so lost!
Sorry it's so long, I just wanted to paint the whole picture as best I could