NCed for this, but am a regular poster.
I'm in a same sex marriage (just to clear any pronoun confusion up). DW and I have recently come close to divorcing. Last year I found some messages to a man online, graphic sexual ones, though it never went beyond online, I know that from the messages themselves. I confronted her, she initially blamed me for being preoccupied with our baby (I'd recently had one) but eventually conceded that while it wasn't cheating, it was inappropriate. I disagree, I think it counts as cheating. She also said, not just in the heat of the moment, but weeks later, that if I hadn't have read the messages then I wouldn't have known so it was my fault.
Then several months ago, I found out that she'd got a load of debt hidden from me. She told me that some of it had gone on bailing out her eldest daughter, told me some figures and how much SD was paying back. The rest of the debt is foolish spending apparently, and she is trying to get on track with that. This is the point at which I nearly divorced her. There is also a lot of drinking going on, which she is also trying to reduce.
We have agreed to give things 'one last go' because I was ready to divorce and she wasn't and she begged and pleaded for me to stay. To my mind this is not one last go, that was the previous time, but I was adamant that this time really is. That was a month ago and we are supposed to be doing marriage guidance but she has yet to book it - it's offered through her work so she has to do it and keeps forgetting.
In the last few weeks she has been glued to her phone, constantly texting and I knew by her face it was something no good, a secretive guilty look. Then she was showing me and some others a video, got a notifcation on the top and snatched her phone away to answer it. When I leaned over she shielded the phone from me and said 'can't I have any privacy?'. She talks about this friend from work all the time, and has that same face on as when she's texting, it's kind of a smile disguised and guilty looking.
She was going out with the same friend, all already arranged and half-arsedly invited me, so I agreed to come along. I had a feeling I was calling her bluff, that she wouldn't expect me to go. 20 minutes later, she said the friend couldn't make it as she had an appointment. I suggested going another time, but she has shrugged that off. I asked later about the friend and why she was texting so much and got fobbed off with some wishy washy answer about her having difficulties with her family and needing support.
So I looked at her messages. I know it's wrong, but I knew something was amiss. The messages about meeting up are followed by DW cancelling it because 'fretful wants to come, how awkward would that be, lol' and shock smilies, other woman replies with 'fuck I'm not coming then!'. Shortly after my questioning about the friend, DW had sent another text, saying 'fretful has been asking suspicious questions, we need to cool it. I know nothing is really going on as such, and you're straight but you know how attractive I find you and I think she's going to pick up on that. You'll always be one of my best friends but I need to put fretful first.' All other messages in the conversation thread have been deleted, even though she never deletes text conversations, going back months.
The other thing I found, though, was a conversation with her eldest daughter, dated just after I confronted DW about her debts. It tells SD that she has told me about the extra money she bailed her out with, then goes on to explain what she told me, ie how much she paid, where the money had come from, how much SD is paying back, and telling SD to 'just go along with this'. So basically, when we had our 'full cards on the table' honesty thing about money and this debt bailout, she was yet again lying, and also telling SD to lie to me. I found other messages about other things she had told SD to keep quiet from me.
The SDs are very much my children too, I have raised them in our home since they were very young and I and DW are the only parents they have, their father is absent. Initially I was furious about the stuff with the other woman, but as I think about it I am more furious about the stuff with SD. The other woman is a fleeting thing, but the constant encouraging to keep things from me is severely damaging to my relationship with my SDs. I've had a lot of disrespect and cheek from the eldest SD lately and I'm beginning to realise that this is partly being fuelled by her mother telling her to lie to me. I feel like a fucking mug, 15 years of my life being a parent to her children - really hands on, doing a lot of the wifework/mumwork, and this is what I get.
As for the other woman - it might only be a flirty thing, but this was meant to be last ditch attempt for her to keep me, and yet she's still carrying this on behind my back? She's only curtailed it because she thinks I am suspicious.
I haven't spoken to her about any of it yet. Part of me thinks maybe to push for the counselling and bring it up then. Part of me wants to throw things in her face and tell her to go fuck herself.