Looking for advice on Ex's behavior

[Sadlady77]

Myself and OH are not happy together and haven't been for the past 5 years probably. I am making plans to leave but need to get counselling, save some money. pluck up the courage etc.

In the meantime I bumped into my ex about 6 weeks ago. It wasn't planned and both of us got a surprise. I wasn't expecting to feel that connection again even though I have thought about him a lot over the years. I know he felt the connection too, I could see it in his face. OH was there with me at the time as well and was chatting to him too. Ex contacted me a couple of days after to say how nice it was to see me etc etc and we got chatting over messenger. At first it was everyday things but then the tone changed. It started out with compliments, then vague comments about turning back time, regrets to suggestive messages (by him not me).

Last week he was sending these vague messages and then came out and said he wanted us to meet up. I told him to really think about it, what he would stand to lose etc and he said he didn't care. I told him if we were both single at another time it would be a possibility but there is absolutely no chance I would ever meet up while I am still married and he is in a relationship (he was divorced but with someone else). He backed right off and messages are back to normal chat.

I am so confused, hurt and angry though. I just can't believe he would do this to the other person. When we were together he was fiercely loyal. In fact that is one of the things I loved about him. He tells me he hasn't done anything like this before and I believe him. I also told him I haven't, won't be and that I didn't think it was who we genuinely are as people.

Why is acting so out of character?

Booty call.
He still remembers you as someone who was fun, and thought you might be willing to have some fun again.
Please don't do it, as there was a very good reason you split up, and what ever it was it will still be there...

To quote Friends - 'I assume you're looking for an answer more sophisticated than "to get you into bed"'

Also 'out of character' might well just be 'behaviour you've only just witnessed.' He says he's never done anything like this before but didn't take him long to try it did it?

Might be hard to accept but his behaviour sounds quite practiced to me.

Luckily you have your head screwed on right and rebutted him so well done. Sorry he's shown you a side that's unpleasant - but he may not be the person you thought he was after all. At least you know this now, rather than another time when you got single.

And you know, who says "well yea, I do this every now and then when I think there might be some sex behind my partners back in it for me"? Of course he said he'd never done it before!

OP - life is not black and white.
In addition to all of the above comments about booty call, so many other explanations are possible...

He may have picked up on your unhappiness. He maybe unhappy himself - what do you really know about his relationship?
He may, just like you - also have thought about and missed you over the years....

As to the judgements you laying on him - they are making you confused and angry ---
Step outside of your mind for a second and think about the situation from your bf (husband?) point of view.....
So - you are with him, while mentally having decided that you are leaving. And you are just buying time and getting ready to leave. In essence - your life together is not really honest.
So - from his point of view (your partner's) - what would be the greatest offence - you living this pretend together life - or you meeting your ex and maybe feeling something.

I don't mean to sound harsh here - it is your life and your choices.
But - just remember that it doesn't all work like in some rule book. And that there are many different ways of looking at it all.
And - judging other people - without really knowing what drives them - doesn't make you a better person than they are.

Mummy2017,

Thanks for the reply. We split when we were younger because he wasn't making much of an effort and I thought I deserved better. He did contact me about a year later to express regret but I had moved on and said not a chance.

Oh don't worry I won't be going there. Although I am potentially vulnerable at this time with what is going on with OH I definitely won't be fulfilling whatever fantasy the ex has.

I'm just really sad at how little respect he has for me, as he always was very respectful when we were going out together. The lack of remorse is something I've never seen with him before.

TheSockGoblin,

Yes - you're right he could have done it before but I genuinely don't think he would have. He knows where we stand now and is happy to go back to general chats again.

I really think there is dynamic there where both of us could get drawn into something out of character without even meaning to. I don't think his actions have been premeditated. I think he was as surprised by his feelings as I was when we bumped into each other.

Thanks for the reply Josuk.

Yes I agree not everything is black and white. He knows I'm not happy and says he isn't happy himself. I am not judging him, just genuinely confused as he seems to have a complete character change with regards loyalty. He is a lovely fella and that's what I'm trying to understand. I even said to him to have a real think about what he was planning to do, and what he could lose, and how his GF would feel if he did it. I definitely don't think I am better than him at all, just confused by the out of character behaviour.

And you're right about my life not being honest. I haven't been entirely honest about my feelings up until recently - always hoping that things would get better with OH. That's why I want to face up to things and get counselling, better job etc and get my head and strength together as I know OH will be very nasty about a split and at present I don't have the energy for it. OH does know things are not right though between us.

Sandlady - loyalty is not a sentence. Not something that should make people stay together with someone and pretend to be there for the long term. Sleep with them, despite not finding them attractive anymore.
Not saying you or your friend do that - but in a situation where someone is unhappy in a relationship, and mentally checked out of it - attraction also goes.
So - according to the way you see the world - if someone is not brave enough to leave - should they make themselves sleep with their partner out of loyalty?

I don't know the answer. But - yet again - it's another reason to not see it as black/white. Loyalty or not.

And you are two unhappy people and are only human. And seeking connection with someone (especially someone who used to be important) is understandable.

And, maybe it's a catalyst that he is looking for to act on his specific unhappy specific situation.
As you yourself know - leaving relationships is difficult.
Not everyone can just come out and say 'it's over'.

Or maybe, he does just want a bit of exciting and illicit sex.
It's impossible to know. He may or even know it himself.

But it's your life and your choices. You don't have to do anything you don't want or feel comfortable doing.
Just don't be too hard on yourself. Or him.

Yes - you are right Josuk about loyalty. I hadn't thought of it from that point of view. He did say he wasn't happy but it was a work in progress and did say he gets very lonely (his OH doesn't live with him and is quite a distance away). So I suppose I was a bit of excitement for him, and I have to admit it brightened up my day too, even though our intentions were different.

I haven't heard from him since Tuesday and I don't intend to contact him. After a few really tough days with OH I am missing the banter and general chit chat (not the suggestive texts) but I suspect he might be a vulnerable as me (in a different way) so it's probably for the best. Doesn't make it easy though -taking the morally right route.