Show me light please... what good things might come my way?

[MumOfTwoCrazyBoys]

I've posted before about relationship problems. I have two very young boys and my husband is not nice to any of us, is never happy or positive about anything, and has a nasty tongue in his mouth, for which he has no sensor when the children are around.

So I know what I need to do... but in the mean time, whilst ducks are being put in rows etc, I keep trying to picture how much better life will be for me and the children once the upheaval of separation is over.

I'm looking forward to our own home, that feels like MINE, and that is full of things that make me and the kids happy.

I'm looking forward to calm and no raised voices in our happy place.

What happy things came your way once you had gone followed through with your plan to leave an unhappy relationship?

Please give me things to look forward to and to make sure I go through with this...

I have no experience of leaving a relationship when children are involved, but it sounds like you visualising future positive situations is going to be good in that it keeps you moving towards your goals. It is so so hard to leave a relationship when there are children, but it is the right thing to do if your DH makes you all so unhappy.

Sorry I don't have more to give, I didn't want to read and run, I'm sure others with more experience and advice will be along soon.

Peace and quiet... sense of relief... the feeling of being able to do what you or your children want to do without worrying about whether someone else will walk in in a bad mood and you’ll have to stop... things being in the places you left them, and that’s ok... relaxing on the sofa with the tv remote and a hot chocolate in the evening when the kids are in bed, watching soaps... being stressed with something one of the kids has done, but knowing it’s a minor thing really and the level of stress is minimal compared to before... feeling like you’ve done a good job or had a good day... feeling happy... kids laughing and being noisy and it’s a good thing... having the bed to yourself and not being woken up...

Just a few examples that sprang to mind of things that I felt, might or might not apply to you, but whatever comes after will be many many times better than what was there before. Just know it will be better, in so many ways. Do you know how long you might have till things change?

Thank you both so much for your replies - @clowns they are exactly the things I'm visualising as my happier future.

I can't find a time that seems to work best, in terms of when to leave. I feel it would be best if I didn't have work planned that week, so that me and the kids could just settle for a few days, rather than have to come back home to their dad after just leaving, in order for me to go to work a couple of days later. There is no alternative childcare for them.

I work ad-hoc hours so some weeks have lots of hours and other weeks have none. And with a busy few weeks ahead of booked work, I feel I have to do those days from the money point of view, doubly so as I'm planning on making the change and needing to support myself financially.

So maybe get my next couple of busy working weeks done and then go for it?

Certainly by Christmas, I am picturing a happier Christmas for us all, without the egg shells, without the raised voices, and without arguments over what time we "should" be eating etc etc.

In the first instance we will have to go to my mums, who is already primed and ready for us. Before then sorting finances and probably finding a rented house for me and kids xx

I am a similar stage to you, although I think it is going to take longer for me to sort out my ducks. Lovely thread though. I am looking forward to being my own person and not having to walk on eggshells all the time xx

All the things listed already, plus the massive relief of no longer having to feel disappointed by him...every day...about what a crap husband and father he is. I didn't realise until I'd left that I was carrying that feeling around on my shoulders for all that time. Being a single mum is SO much easier than being with someone who's not only not doing their fair share but making every little thing 10 times more stressful. Good luck!!

I'm not in the same position but I think that being able to sleep well would be part of it for me. I also think that being able to just talk to the children about their behavior rather than trying to navigate around their father when there is an issue. You'll be able to enjoy your children so much more just playing a board game together or going to the park. Just simple things.

Here is a link to one of my favorite songs. I think it's a good song for you:
LittleWonders

@coyote thank you, I love the song.

@sadlady sorry to hear u r in similar situation. To be honest I don't know that I'm ready to do it so quickly either, but tonight I've read through the list on my phone of things he's done over the last twelve months that make me want to leave. It's quite motivating when you read them all one after another, it really makes me see that this is 100% the right thing to do. I also found something I emailed to him two years ago saying I needed more from him, I couldn't stay and put up with this for much longer, I wasn't prepared to bring my kids up in this environment etc etc. When I read that, and put into perspective the fact that I wrote it TWO YEARS ago, and I'm still here. And it's still as bad. And that i AM putting the kids through it... again, quite motivating in a strange way.

Thank you @bowtie - just what I need to hear! Xx

I no longer fear messing things up. If I mess something up, I just put it right and move on with my life, no repercussions. It's great

An energy I had forgotten I could have. A black cloud that I hadn't realised was there vanished overnight. No constant stress induced anxiety... will he lose his temper in front the kids, will he drive them at 100mph again to be 'cool' dad, will he buy a new massive flat screen tv when I'm worrying about paying the mortgage. No more ignoring and probably facilitating his blatant alcohol dependancy No more feigning headaches and week long periods to avoid the pestering for sex. Being able to go out socially without a row/guilt trip before leaving the house. Oh I could go on. And funnily enough my life has moved upwards beyond my wildest dreams since the split 10 years ago and he has just plummeted into a complete mess with absolutely nothing and no relationship with the children (his doing).