Should I talk to him about wanting a proper relationship?

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

A little while ago I met up with an old friend (OF). We have known each other for decades, got on really well, there's always been a bit of attraction there but we've never really been single at the same time. This time we both are, we ended up telling each other we fancied each other, and going back to his place for (mind blowingly good) sex.

The thing is, I escaped a violent and abusive marriage a year and a bit ago, I have two young DCs and very little free time. I am also acutely aware that I have made appalling choices of men in the past, and that I have a responsibility to my DCs and myself as their DM not to introduce any more crap men to our lives. So at the point of initial snog I told OF that I am not in a place to have a relationship, I have very little free time so I can basically do occasional dates and sex but that's the lot. OF was ok with this, but he hasn't treated me like a fuck buddy - he took me away for a lovely weekend, talks to me about books we both like, suggests future holidays.

The thing is, I've started to like him a lot, and maybe even fall for him. I'm pretty sure he's a positive thing for me and has potential to be for my DCs - I'm not great at spotting red flags but none have arisen so far. He's single and childless so no difficult blending issues. The way things are at the moment is lovely, but the thought of him feeling free to see anyone else is intensely painful. Should I try to revisit the discussion and say that I do now want a relationship? If so, how the hell do you bring that up? My DSis says I am overthinking, should relax and enjoy it and let things progress. OF is not in any way a player and has had a crush on me for about 24 years, so he's likely to hang in there now. But I worry I've set the basis wrong and am creating a mess which it will be harder to sort out later. Any advice please, Mumsnetters?

I should say that it's been about a month since the initial not-a-relationship conversation, and we've seen each other about four times in that time, though once was the weekend away. Also that OF also has an abusive relationship in his past, so I'm concerned not to mess him around emotionally, however unintentionally.

the thought of him feeling free to see anyone else is intensely painful.

It's such early days though. Should you really be worrying about this? I'd venture to say it might be better to get used to not being someone's #1 lady for a while, before you start wishing you were, if that makes sense...?

Your situation sounds similar to the beginnings of mine and DP's rs (and the end of my marriage). It took a good year for me to get my head properly straight and have a talk with him about being a "real" couple. I don't regret it at all. It was so good to have proper space and time to be on my own / get into my own routine after spending so long consumed by my ex and his nightmare behavior.

Can you not take your DSis' advice? I mean... I wouldn't "have a talk" with OF about it, at most I'd have a talk with myself and limit time spent with him until I felt a little more comfortable with the new version of me etc.

The fact that you feel feelings doesn't mean you have to tell him about them. You can keep them to yourself, quietly observe them, be patient with them, and later on you can chat to him if you really want to. It's such early days!

Jmo... but then... I am not a very conventional person so I am sure you will have many more people saying you "owe him honesty" etc. etc. I don't buy into that at all. I think it takes a lot longer than a few months to even get a full picture of one's own emotions imo. I'd say give it time, and don't take your feelings too seriously until they feel calmer and you've had some time to really get to know this person. For me, that was a year or so.

It's been a month - hang fire.

It's been such a short time since you've been out of an abusive relationship, slow right down.

The problem with getting involved with a friend is having feelings about that person already, it's not a random stranger with a blank canvas. I would try not to overthink it too much and just enjoy the moment. Easier said than done I know!

Thank you both. Bees that makes a lot of sense about having my own time and space to be who I am.

In a way I think it's confused me that I've known OF for so long. I wouldn't be considering feeling serious about anyone I'd only met a month ago. But years of friendship mean I've leapfrogged the awkward bit and it's nice and comfortable.

But yes, slow down. DSis will be very smug that you have agreed with her (she predicted you would )

Cross post with userxx but saying the same thing!

Leapfrogged, that's it exactly!!! It took me completely by surprise when I fell for my friend and I fell hard and fast!! You will know when the time is right to have the conversation, until then just enjoy being rather than planning/thinking too further ahead.