Is this how my life should be..?

[takenforgranted]

Name change but regular poster.

Don't really know where to start but suppose the best place is by saying Im unhappy.
Been with dh for 11 years and married for 3 and yeah we have had our ups and downs but I always put it down to a typical relationship and I just got on with this. Now we have a 22month dd and 8 week ds who I love dearly BUT I am now at the stage of thinking the only good thing from our relationship is the kids.

I have always wanted kids BUT I have always wanted a happy and content relationship and a dh who dotes on me iykwim. Seems this bit is missing.

Im a sahm and I do everything........from shopping, sorting houshold issues, sorting dh's things (ie fines, insureance etc), housework and of course seeing to the dk's.
All the above I now do without questiohn, I have just resigned myself to this being life and that I have to shut up and put up.
DH is good with the kids BUT then part of me wants more...I can count on one hand the amount of times we have had family days our (prior to ds being born as well) and its always my role to get up with the dk's in the night. Yeah sure dh will help out esp if I am so knackered I haven't heard then but then I never hear the end of it...Im tired coz I got up with x last night etc. Surely its both of our roles to see to them..?
To the outside world he seems like the perfect dh and dad but to me its not enough.

DS has just come home from a week in hospital where he was v ill. After 2 operations he hopefully is on the mend. DH sat with him during the day (usually 11am-7pm) and I was there during the night (7pm-11am) so as you can see my "shifts" varied from 14-16 hours compared to dh's 8..yet dh couldn't wait to get out quick enough and mithered me to get there to allow him to go home. Once home he put dd to bed and that was it......I had to ask and ask for things to be done in the home and as far as I was concerned he had his own time. I on the other hand would get home, see to dd and then have a 2 hour sleep while she did. This would be my total of sleep for the day.
Last night dh saw to ds coz I was so knackered BUT yet again I am made aware of this and told may times this morning, Im knackered blah de dah. Its like its my role.
He keeps saying " No other bloke gets up with his dk's like I do..you should think yourself lucky". TBH part of me wishes he would fuck off as I am 100% I can do this alone..Hey I seem to be already.

Next issue is his social life. Since ds has been born he's been out x3 and each time we have discussed a home time BUT why bother..? He arrives home when he wants. Usually 5.30am/6.30am. I don't mind him going out BUT I don't see why it has to be regular and why till that time. He always is so apologetic once home and has always seemed to have a crap night but never tinks to come home and spend time with his dw and kids. The next days are ruined as he's to ill to help with the dk's and to go out iykiwm.
DS was only meant to be in hospital fri-mon but ended up a week..dh is now sulking as his mates have gone away on a stag do. He's missed out and is making me aware. Honestly he is like a kid and says he's gutted. Sorry but his ds has been ill, he's sat and nursed him YET couldn't wait to get him duscharged on thurs so he could go away the next day. His plan never worked but he keeps dropping hints saying that he can transfer his ticket and go later today. Again part of me wants him to fuck off. Its bank hol weekend and it makes no difference.

Sorry to go on but I don't know what to do. I am so miserable and down and I wonder if this is how my life will be for the next 60 years. I so want a dh and father for my kids. One who dotes on us and wants to spend time as a family. Not one who woukld prefer to get wan*ered at every opportunity. I look at other families with envy. He seems to think that I should be grateful as he's given me 2 gorgeous kids and financially we are well off. Like this is his green light to do what he wants.

BTW he has been like this prior to either kids being born, promised things would be different once they arrived....So stress is not to blame. Well not imo.
I want a deserve more...or do I..?

sorry message doesn't always make sense..but at the end meant to say " I think I deserve more"

Go to relate. Honestly. It will help your relationship, or if it is beyond help, it will at least let you see that you tried your best.

he's being an arse.

can you get someone to take care of the kids while you have dinner and a chat? maybe he really doesn't realise how he's behaving- i think sometimes us women 'spoil' their men, and they take it as a given that they should be treated like that forever more.

and coming home at 5.30am? that's totally out of order- how would he feel if you did that?

Why is he getting the easier bits? Why did he get the day shifte while you sat up all night?

Stupid questions but have you told him how you feel?

Thanks for the replies. He won't go to relate. I haven't asked him but I know he won't. I saw a counsellor for pnd so would go to relate BUT think dh see's it as a sign of being weak iykwim. I did suggest last night he seeks help but he just laughed it off.

I did the night shifts as when ds was admitted at 3 days old dh did the nights then. I just thought it was fair along with the fact that I never heard the end of it. Also we had agreed that days before ds was due into hospital I would sleep in the spare room to allow me additonal undisturbed BUT dh had food poisioning so the 3 days in the lead up to the operation I was the one doing all the night shifts. So as you can see I have done almost 2 weeks of disturbed sleep. BTW dh has been out of work since the week before ds was born (self employed and wanted time off) but has had a few days courses to attend so its not as though he had work to go to iykwim. AND I personally don't feel as a sahm that its should be my role 24/7.

Yes I have told him how I feel MANY TIMES. But he says Im selfish and that he is not prepared to do what I tell him to.Thing is I feel like I have to tell him or negotiate otherwise he would do what he wanted to YET suppose even negotiating does nothing as I feel he "stick up 2 fingers to me while out".

My point entirely about him staying out till all hours. BUT he tells me to go out and "be young again" but I know if I came home at this time he would go mad. I also woundn't do it. Im a mother and my kids come 1st. Going out is not my life. Yeah sure I love going out with the girls but I can take it or leave it.Being with my kids and being a family is what drives me. Yet he seems to want to be a family man yet behave like a single bloke. The last night out he ended up sleeping on the couch aftre bringing his mate home who slept in the spare room....DD came downstairs with me to see him fully clothed and stinking at 8am yet she doesn't know any difference atm. She thinks the world of him and its always dadda, dadda and I think...if only she knew. Sure I know she loves me but being with me 24/7 she takes me for granted. It annoys me that she thinks so much of dh iykwim.

forgot to say, yes I have told him how I feel but he says he's not prepared to be dictate to. Thing is I am not prepared to be made a fool of...

You do need to ask him to go to Relate. Saying that he won't go so there is no point asking gives him the get out clause "She didn't ask me to go to marriage counselling so how was I to know that it was this bad?" If necessary, go by yourself. I'm sure that you'd find it very useful and that it would send him a clear signal but do ask him to go with you in the first instance. I realise I'm not replying to many of the points you raised but I think I'd better leave it to the professionals. Good luck and I really hope it works out for all of you. Oh, and if he goes on and on about "I'm tired because I got up to x last night" say to him "Do I tell you after each and every time I get up in the night? No? Please be quiet then. We both have to do our fair share. They are our children." Sorry. Starting to feel cross on your behalf and I didn't want to start ranting in this post at all!

thaks ss. How do I find out about relate. Scares me really as I didn't think I would ever end up like this..

Thanks for the tips.. I do say that to him. But he just chooses to ignore me. Just responds with his usual of "how many men help like I do" I don't care is my usual reply. I married you not them.

My mum is shocked by his behaviour. When I tell her how (while he is off) he joins dd in an afternoon nap because he is tired while I sit up listening out for them while cleaning etc. Yeah I get tired but being a mum I get on with it and rarely nap during the day, even if I have been up several times in the night.

I think I just feel like life is getting borning and I just seem to spend my weekends doing nothing. I get out weekdays but feel weekends are wasted as a family...Surley im not asking much by wanting to go to the park or to feed the ducks or to basically get out of our village.???

If he won't go to relate you can go on your own - I think it would really help you to have someone to sound off as I think you need to get into perspective what is happening to you. You and DH also need a way to talk to each other which isn't all interrupting and defensive.

Why did you get together with him in the first place? What did he fancy about you when he first met you? thinking about those kind of things really help.

relate website you can search for one near you.

relate website

Aha! x posted!

he is lucky he has such a good wife and kids.
he sounds spoilt and ready to walk over.
he is not playing the game fairly.
you need to sort this out, by going to relate or which way i dont know.
hugs and XXX

SimplySparkling _ I crossed with you earlier before - great name BTW!

This sounds so familiar to me!! my dh (now ex, since thur)also says "how many men do you know that help as much with the kids?" constantly..

I think you should start going out more with your friends yourself then he can see how he has to look after your child and wait for you to get back in..
Also it would prob do you the world of good to set up a regular social life with your mates and give you something to look forward to.Say once a week?

think also, the problem is magnified by having two very young children, who are totally dependent on you..as they grow , it will become easier..also , 8 weeks post natal is a hard time, your hormone levels are just getting back to normal, your body is just starting to get back to normal, you are sleep deprived and you also have a toddler to look after......and a child who has been very very poorly

your DH - well, re missing the stag night, thems the breaks, no-one planned for your DS to be ill....he needs to take a long hard look at himself and stop acting like the 3rd child...

do you have a baby sitter? someone you can leave the DCs with, so you and DH can go out together and talk ?

him staying out until the wee small hours and then being too tired / hangover to be part of family life might be ok once a year,but no more !! he has responsibilities, just because he did not give birth, the DCs are his and he needs to be in a fit state to look after them

can you fake some sort of illness, a 48 hour virus, and take to your bed, and leave him to handle the DCs, get a proper picture of what it is like to be a SAHM ?

i had a moment like this when my DD was 5 months old, and DH working all the hours, and never getting a break...i felt so claustrophobic, trapped, and so 'this can;t be all there is??'. and then i started looking for a plan, an escape route , if you will, to concentrate on for when DD was older..that happened to be training as a doula, which has led to me finding out about becoming an ante natal teacher...so i have a plan, a goal and i know my destiny is not being 'just a mum', just a housewife for all eternity

it is still early days for you , but knowing there is a plan is always good!!

think the key is to really talk to DH, or even write him a letter , so he understands exactly where you are coming from

it is the expectation of gratitude for doing something like being with a poorly DS that is galling, when it is simply expected of you and no thanks is given !

Just wanted to say, in answer to your dh's point about 'How many other men get up in the night to look after their kids' - the answer is, plenty. He's being a complete arse. Hope you can find a way to sort it out.

Good advice here for you takenforgranted. I'm sure it is helping. Let us know how you get on.

DimpledThighs Thanks. I got the name in a very roundabout way. It is supposed to represent my kitchen sink but that is rarely sparkling!

Thanks everyone for the advice. I have tried to speak to dh yesterday but his opinion is no different. Thing is he seems to end up making a joke of things and tries to get around me that way..when I continue to be annoyed and peeved off he then has a go at me for being moody! Like he expects me to take his crap and deal with it.

Yes we have gp's who will babysit but given how ds has been I am not confident leaving him alone with them. Long story but it would be a major request if we did so iykwim.

I am planning on a girls night out soon...I want to loose some weight first and then Im off out. I hate the tit for tat but sometimes its like I don't have a choice. I like the idea of a regular "time out" and dh is only to keen for me to do this as he's said so in the past but he does things for a reason...his idea is for me to get out only so he has "extra credits" as he calls them. So I can't turn around and "say oh you went out xxx" Childish but this is his behaviour.

LM you speak sense and you helped me loads with advice when I was ready to have ds. Yes I am hormonal and given how ill ds has been its not been an ideal time for any of us. I have gone from a high of the birth to a low of him being ill . Why is it us women get on and deal with the kids when some men feel their way of dealing with it is by looking into the bottom of a pint glass..???

sounds pretty miserable. But don't forget he doesn't have the hormonal advantage of motherhood - he has to learn again how to be a parent to a young baby while we girls seem to get it in the hormone cocktail (ie as far as understanding that life's changed and therefore we can't be exactly as we were),

Try not to play the "i'm more tired than you" game - tough i know (DS is 3.7 and yet to sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch) - as it generates friction. Treat him like a toddler. Ignore bad behaviour and praise good. It does work.

As to deserving more - yes I can see your point. But deserving and earning more are two different things. You sound really down (unsurprising) and I wonder if you're looking too hard at the negative and not giving yourself a chance to enjoy the positives. I know when DS was 8 weeks, just after an opp, DH working, me at home shattered that I was very negative most of the time. It took a break from it to help me see it - just a night out with the girls made a big difference.

I have been here. Learn from my mistakes - I made them all.

1. He acts like this because he can - because you 'let' him. From his POV the only consequence of his actions is that you are a bit 'moody'. You are still there, the kids are looked after, presumably dinner is more or less on the table. why should he change?
2. if he has always been like this he is unlikely to change now unless you do something drastic like chuck him out - and even then, he may decide he would rather not live under a new regime where he has to pull his weight. How do you feel about that?
3. unless you tell him in words of one syllable what you are going to do if he doesn't change he will have no idea how you feel
4. if you make a threat - eg 'i don't see the point of you any more and am moving out unless you do xyz' and then don't follow through things, will be the same in 60 years.
5. joking and sulking and stamping off and refusing to go to Relate are ways he avoids discussing the issues and therefore avoids doing anything about them. which indicates he does know a bit of how you feel but doesn't want to do anything about it. Not nice.

Yes, your household is under huge stress at the moment, but you say he's always been like this. I think you need really drastic action if he's going to change.

Why did you marry him? is that still there? still relevant?