DH is so moody :(

[CountryBumpkin45]

DH's bad temper has really got to me this morning.
He gets quite cross a lot. He was shouting st the kids earlier and just being so horrible I asked him to stop. Then he got really moody with me, told me to fuck off & stomped out the house. (He was supposed to be doing the school drop)

To give some context we have been struggling with our relationship for the last year or so. Small kids, lack of sleep, moodiness. We do have good times but it just seems that he can't see how his moods affect everything.

We're both quite strong characters and I'm used to some arguments and accept that this is all part of the rough & tumble of family life. He's just SO horrible sometimes it's making me wonder when I'm going to have had enough. I just feel so sad and like nothing I can say to him makes any difference.

For eg: He agrees with me when we talk things through calmly, that he needs to make more effort to cheer up... do some exercise, drink less, go to bed earlier & maybe get some counselling for his anger / childhood issues... but then he never does any of these things and we're back to square one. I just don't know what to do just feeling sad & exasperated

I think you were looking for reassurance that we all feel that way op, but I would be horrified to be told to fuck off by my dh, and it would be unforgivable in front of our children.

I am not suggesting you walk out, but you are in a terrible rut and something has to happen to improve things. You are unhappy and sad and have been for years, think about those words. You have suffered for a long time already.

Book the counselling, go out together more on date nights and try and change the family dynamic in the house. No one is perfect, but you should expect to feel happy and relaxed for at least 75 per cent of your daily life even if you are not skipping with joy, having so much stress in the house is really negative for the dc.

Could he be depressed? One of the main symptoms my DH had was that he was really snappy and moody. We too had had a lot on for a few years and it just crept up on him. It took a while to convince him to seek help but he's a different person now. You can do self assessment scores online which might help?

If he is depressed it still does not give a person carte blanche to treat other people badly in a relationship. Anyway how much of this is due to depression and how much of this from him is due to him being an abusive man?. From what the OP writes of her H he himself comes from a highly dysfunctional family so this likely plays a role in he being the ways he is. This is learnt behaviour and nigh on impossible to undo. This also works for him.

Re your comment:-
"He has agreed that counselling would be a good idea".

After he has previously talked about this and has done nothing?. What is different now?

"He has his own complaints with me. As I said I'm not perfect either".
No-one is perfect but his "complaints" against you are I daresay invalid ones.

"I really don't feel that ripping our family apart would be the best move here. I think we would all suffer".

Why did you write this?. Is it really through your own reasons i.e. fear of the unknown, he being awkward when it comes to divorce, your kids, a lifestyle you wish to main, the sunken costs fallacy, a presumed lack of support going forward?. Its probably a mix of all that and more besides.

Your relationship with your sons going forward is at great risk of being damaged in the long term if you choose to stay because they could well accuse you of putting him before them. They certainly won't say thanks mum to you for staying with their dad. They won't want to visit either of you very often if at all when they leave home which will also be sooner rather than later.

You and in turn your children are suffering now as a result of his behaviours. You have become inurred to this from him and thus ground down by him. You cannot fully protect your children from this man you call your H. He has you really where he wants you particularly if he knows you are not going to leave him. He has ripped this family apart because of his behaviours.

I think he is probably a bit depressed yes. We have discussed his anger issues previously. He has said he would get help before but then has done nothing about it. Like I said he comes from a bit of a crazy family and that has definitely taken its toll.

I think the couples counselling might give us the space to discuss his anger issues. I just feel so let down when he says he'll do this and that to make things better but then fails to do the thing he's said he'll do... . Like making a promise to me didn't really count. So yes we are in a rut for sure!

I also know that he's pretty scared to go there with delving into why he has these issues (His upbringing mainly)

What helped your DH flowershower?

Attila not saying anyone has carte Blanche to treat anyone badly. But if it's something that they can get help with then that would be great for all involved. In my opinion not destroying what has been and can still hopefully be a happy home.

My DH got very moody/depressed and anti depressants have really improved him.

Very difficult to get him to the doctors, in the end doctor suggested I get him there saying it was for me, which worked.

The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none.

I would urge you not to embark on couples counselling with him at this time. If counselling is done then you need to do this on your own and without him there. If he can and does blame you at home for everything then he most certainly will try and blame you in front of a counsellor. Many counsellors do get fooled by abusive men who can manipulate the counsellor into following their agenda and even worse the counsellor siding with them. I have seen evidence of this on this site when such counselling has taken place.

Many people also have abusive childhoods and do not go on to be moody (emotional abuse designed to put the receiver of this on the back foot) and or otherwise be verbally abusive towards their spouse and in turn their children. They want to show their children a better example than how they were themselves treated.

Many people believe an abuser’s anger causes the abuse in a relationship. As a society, we tend to believe what we see; as a result, much emphasis falls on bruises, broken bones, and other physical signs of abuse. Then we tend to extrapolate from the evidence we can see to jump to the conclusion that the abuser must have been pretty darn angry in order to hit their partner. After all, most rational people do not become physically aggressive unless they’re angered or afraid. Typically, the abuser’s victim is female, and as a male-dominated society, we tend to think “How could she frighten him?” Therefore, the abuser’s problem must be anger. It follows that an anger management program would benefit the abuser and end the victimization.

What people fail to realize is that an abusive person does not rationalize the way “normal” people do – their rules are different. And unlike “normal” people, an abuser’s anger does not cause them problems; an abuser’s anger is one of their tools. Evidence shows that abusive men who complete anger management programs do not stop abusing. They merely choose another tool to reach the same end.

My abusive ex went to anger management. He came to believe that there were good reasons why he was angry and that his anger was justified. Apparently he didn't learn much about acceptable ways to express all this justified anger. So he just carried on expressing it in his usual ways, and telling me I had no right to be afraid of him. Anger management seemed to make things worse instead of better.

At what point does someone getting angry or using swear words become abusive?

Not trying to wind anyone up btw. I'm honestly wondering.

At what point does someone getting angry or using swear words become abusive?

It depends on context.

He sounds emotionally abusive. You might read "Why does he do that?" by Bancroft. Don't let him know you are reading it.

Will you stand up to him next time he starts to take his temper out on the children, or will you hold back? Did his behavior earn him the right to not take the children to school? What is he getting out of it?