Divorcing but still living together

[chickenfanette]

I am divorcing my husband (unreasonable behaviour - long history of controlling behaviour, emotional abuse which I've only just started to recognise recently), but we are still living together. It's really hard but my solicitor strongly advised me not to leave the house. But H won't leave either .. we're trying to be civil for kids sake but atmosphere is awful . My mental health is going downhill (struggled with anxiety in the past but had recovered well last year) but I'm reluctant to get help as he has made comments about my mental state and I'm worried he will use this against me when we come to sort out child contact.

Renting by myself will be really tight financially but just doable I think. Financially it will be better to stick it out but I'm not sure if I can cope with another 6 months/1 year (or more!) of this. I will have to rent for a while once house is sold anyway (can't get mortgage without court order and proof of tax credits, which I can't apply for yet).

I'm also worried it would be really confusing for the kids (primary school aged) living part of their time with me then 'going home' to Daddy.

If anyone has been through this please tell me how you coped! This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, it's very confusing. I have some supportive family and friends but lots of people just don't get it or are very judgemental

I am doing the same. We are both saving up for deposits for rented houses - we also rent now. It's hard at times. I try to think of the future and I am lucky that I can totally forget about it all when I work, I block it out.

Sounds horrible. No advice there, sorry, but as an aside, I understood that if you were divorcing (and presumably have paperwork) that you can still apply for tax credits as you are living separately, albeit in the same house.

I did it for 14 months. In all honesty it was pretty ghastly and I came out of it with a bit of an eating disorder. I focussed on work and the kids, avoided him as much as possible, gritted my teeth, avoided engaging in any discussions and put up with the verbal abuse while dreaming of a happy free future. And that future did come, and it was worth every minute of the wait.

Thank you, and for those of you also going through this or survived! Spongebob I did look into this but I was told I couldn't apply for tax credits if H is still contributing to a shared mortgage. I'm just trying to focus on the long term goal - a modest house (unlike H I'm not bothered if it's tiny and/or scruffy!) for me and DCs, away from all of this stress.
Purple with red - I already have problems with disordered eating (ironically it was starting to address this that made me realise I was in an abusive relationship), sorry you went through this too.

I think (unless there is DV with police involvement or maybe cheating), many couples who decide to split stay together for some time for financial reasons. It's a huge life changing decisions, and when you have kids you want to make sure it goes as well as possible.

Try this. Every evening write down 3 things you are grateful for. It can be tiny things (nice sunset) or huge things (I am so glad I have decided for divorce), doesn't matter. Keep doing it, you will feel different within a month. It has really helped me, and it makes me able to focus on the long run. I no longer write it down, I just think of my day and what went well.

No good advice just sympathy. I did it for 7 months and it was horrible as 'd'h was giving the silent treatment and the atmosphere was awful. Thankfully he eventually did leave!

It is horrible. I did it for 6 months with my ExH and he wasn't abusive so this must be very hard for you.
I spent a lot of time at the gym and most weekends I planned things with friends and family and stayed away.
But DD was 11 and I only had 1 so it was easier.
Focus on the long term future.

Thanks everyone, it's good to hear that people survived this! Misscph I will try that!

I'm still living in the house with my yet to be divorced husband. It is unmitigated hell. If I am scrubbing the floor and keep my gob shut and can tolerate being used as a verbal punchball by everyone in the household I am reasonably safe. The police are involved as my husband had me arrested. I am gathering all my savings to move out with the children and animals.

OMG, Easy, what did he get you arrested for? Impressive, but a bit scary that you are still in the house.

I can relate to the scrubbing the floor bit. As long as we never, ever run out of anything and the meals are cooked to Michelin star standard, it's all fine.

I can have reasonable conversations with my STBXH, but we avoid talking about painful things in our relationship that we are never going to see eye to eye on. It's just not worth it. I am much better now I have stopped thinking of him as my partner, I no more have all these expectations and needs that he will not recognise or meet. I try to think of him as family. I think in the long run that will be best, as we are hoping to have an amicable split.

It happened to me early last year. After only a short while I realised that I was going to crack up if I had to stay in the house with him - he was destroying me day by day with his jibes and criticism and cruelty.
I moved out, slept on my mum's sofa (I left home at 18, it's not a great relationship there either) with the DC and we just hung on. I rented somewhere (thank Fck not for long as I was skint and all monies were tied up in family home) and then I bought.
I COULDN'T have stayed there. With regards to my possessions, finances and my home it would've been better to stay. But I couldn't. I left with extremely little, but I'm not completely broken and I am slowly mending.
I hate his mean behaviour which I did not deserve, but I'm so glad I left.
If it happened again I would still move out - he would've been impossible to live with.

Good luck - it's the hardest thing I've done in 41 years, but also the best.

In the same situation, I don't know now long for as this is only the beginning. Also being subjected to complete and utter silent treatment - as if I were dead. It is very stressful and I don't know how I am going to get through it - let alone anyone else .

Not helpful sorry.

Chicken take heart. Loads of us have been there, got through it and out the other side. Can you get any respite by staying with relatives or friends sometimes? I always say this but when you get to that point when you walk into your new home, your home without him, your place where you start your new life just take a moment to remember how it feels. In the meantime, you can focus on getting there xxx

Tiger. Narc?

Tea. Hope you are ok, it's lovely to see you recovering. I know it's still hard but you have dissonance to look forward to xxx

Teabay, well done. I'm sure often it doesn't make sense to stay, but it is often recommended by solicitors. Good to hear that you did get your money for a new house. Personally I feel rather lucky that we have nothing valuable to fight over, we rent, and my car is 21 years old ;) Anything that STBXH would want, I would just let him have, apart from certain sentimental items, like DC's school photos and art work.

How do people (in this case men) manage to do silent treatment? It's just not in me, I think I would last an hour.

Compared to some of you, my STBXH is not that bad - so far. I keep expecting the worst, so that I might be pleasantly surprised. He has become a bit stingy since we split the finances. And he does keep making nasty comments about how I will never cope without him.

misscph we too both had ancient cars...so one of the first things I did was put mine on eBay for £1000 and sign up for a brand new little one with no deposit and 0% interest. It meant that a) I had a lovely new shiny thing that was just mine and his stinky bum had never been in it, and b) I could pull up on the drive in my new car next to his banger and think, "yeah!"

jeaux - looking forward to that point!! 😋

There is one awful thing, though - he changed the locks and locked me out of the house, which meant that I had to break in and take what I wanted in an hour without him knowing. I left the family laptop which had all the DC baby photos on, which I now don't have.
But I have the DC.

The people from Grenfell Tower lost photos and DC, so I keep that in perspective for myself.

My divorce was horrific, and I'm proud I survived it.

Tea. a)

Im currently 7 weeks in to separating from H and we're still living together. Its really tough, i just keep thinking about how amazing it will be when hes gone.

Its an amicable separation but he burries his head in the sand and can see hes not really rushing to leave. I cant bear to face up to the reality it could be like this for months/years.

Tea, I don't even dream of a new car, I love my old car ;) STBXH doesn't drive (poor eyesight), so there is no reason to fight over it.

How horrible with changing locks. It's very common, I think.

And how sad about your photos. Again, I think this is very common as well. We have all photos on a Flickr account that we both have access to, so I think it will be fine.

Overall it does sound like you have no regrets, it sounds like you came out much stronger.

Does anyone else have a really strong need to just be alone? I can't imagine ever wanting to live with or even have a partner again! My STBXH travels a lot, and I love it when he's away. We do both work from home, and I think seeing so much of each other has taken its toll on the relationship.

Awesome people you all are. I'm 10 months in, also getting the silent treatment, but it will be over in a couple of weeks luckily. It has been hell, the saving grace was that we split the weekends up with the kids so didn't have to see much of each other, and that also meant the kids got used to doing EOW. Can't wait for my own space, and like the PP also can't see me living with anyone ever again!

plastic, good to hear, you must be counting the minutes! We also split the outings a bit, I excuse myself with work (I take more work in as I need the money, so it's not untrue).

We haven't told DC (10 and 12). I don't think there is much point in telling them until we both have new houses. No need for them to be in limbo as well.

How has everyone's DC taken it, if you told them? For a long time I wanted to have a go at fixing our marriage as I could not face telling the DC. I am not looking forward to it, I don't know how they will react, but I do feel that I can do it now.

Mine were ok to be honest, emotional obviously but have accepted it well. We, well I did the talking, told them after a couple of weeks. There are so many of their friends with divorced parents that they can see how things will be; all they wanted was for us not to argue or bitch about each other which we've largely kept to.

Thanks. My parents divorced, and it was horrible before AND after. But it was a different situation and they were different people. Also hardly any of my friend's parents were divorced. Almost all of their friend's parents are divorced.

I think initially they will be upset, but long term I think they will benefit from it as well. We have such a tense relationship, and sometimes I swear they are acting out our conflict!

I think we both be much happier apart. I haven't slept well for about 3 years, and I finally realised that it was not peri menopause or work stress, it was my relationship. I am so unfulfilled and so full of unmet needs. I have high hopes of a good night's sleep in the new year ;)