Do I, or don't I?

[Lostsoul19]

Hello. Wondered if you could give me some advice please.
I'm in an unhappy marriage. We have 3 children. 20,16, 8. He's not done anything wrong, we just seem to have grown apart and I've felt like this for a couple of years. Earlier this year I met someone else and have continued to have an affair with this person. I know, I'm a slut. I'm not proud of my actions and I certainly didn't go looking for this to happen. He adores me, he can offer me love, and affection which I so desperately crave.
Husband is aware of our problems (but not the affair) and in his defence has tried to make me happy by giving me more affection. I just feel he does it because he knows that's what I crave rather than actually wanting to do it.
My problem is this....if I leave husband I'm walking into the unknown. New guy is a recovering alcoholic and has a colourful past history. He says that's all gone now as he's found the one he wants to be with and loves etc. I do love him but I'm scared in case he goes back to the alcohol when we are together and I wouldn't want my children around that. I'm also in a predicament because if I end it with him, I worry he will go back to the drink as his way of coping with losing me and then that will all be my fault. His family love me and want us to make a go of it. A life with him sounds great (from his words) but can I really trust someone like this? I know I'm not in a position to talk about trust. TIA

End your relationship with your husband and take some time out before getting into a new relationship with anyone else. If affair man is in it for the long term he will wait. The space and time you need to get over your marriage breakup may make you see life differently in the end anyway.

Either way I think you owe it to your husband to let him move on and find someone who really deserves him.

End your marriage and just be on you own for a while, please don't enter a relationship with new man, no good will come of it and you will get hurt even more. Out of frying pan into fire springs to mind. This post is well intended and not snarky in any way. If your husband hasn't done you any harm why not privilege him the right to find someone who will be happy and love him. Fairest all round I reckon...

I'm also in a predicament because if I end it with him, I worry he will go back to the drink as his way of coping with losing me and then that will all be my fault.

Nope. Not even remotely the case. If he went back to drinking, that is 100% his fault and his decision. It's ridiculous to even contemplate that you are somehow responsible for someone else's life choices.

Moving on, do you really think it's a great idea to leave a marriage only to run to an alcoholic with a "colourful past." It sounds like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. You need to get yourself sorted before making a potentially huge mistake. If you want to leave your husband, fine, but don't drag your kids into a situation that has disaster written all over it.

how long has he been sober and does he regularly go to meetings, have a programme and take his sobriety seriously?

What aquamarine wrote. You are not responsible for someone else's choices; what made you think otherwise?. That shows me how low your boundaries and relationship bar are. Does your H make you feel responsible for him as well and or his poor choices too?.

Love your own self for a change OP: the alcoholic is not going to give you what you so crave and you're been vulnerable enough to be taken in by such a chancer in the shape of this individual.

You need time and space on your own; not a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. He is an alcoholic and will remain so for the rest of his life; its not a relationship example you want to be showing your children.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what have they learnt to date from you and your current H?.

Thank you all for your messages. No, he doesn't go to meeting and does still drink alcohol. He steers clear from spirits now. I've seen him drunk and he's nasty but always so apologetic the next day. He's verbally nasty, not physically.
My husband just makes me feel like he's only there for his lifestyle. I'm the bread winner if you like (although it's a joint account and we don't have his money/my money etc). But when I did talk to him about splitting up he seemed more concerned about how he was going to afford sky/mobile etc and live by himself comfortably. I guess that's the reason I haven't asked him to leave as I feel like I'd be ruining his lifestyle. :/

The fact you are worried about being responsible for a recovering alcoholic if they go back on the drink shows you are not ready to be with someone with these issues.

If he's still drinking and you've seen him be nasty he is an active alcoholic btw.

Leave your husband, spend time alone. Do NOT leave your husband for this man - your intuition is speaking to you with regards your children and his potential danger to them.

You sound really troubled. I ask you respectfully to read my post and think very carefully about your life:

This other man is an active alcoholic, and it's extremely clear from your posts that you are an active codependent. I would venture to assume that you believe that in order to be loved, you have to "pay" for that love by taking care of the other person.

This is played out clearly by the fact that your DH has his way paid by you already, and seems to see you as a meal ticket and lifestyle support rather than a partner.

If you go into a relationship with the alcoholic, yes there will be more emotion involved - lots of high drama and emotion, that's what alcoholics thrive on - but you will still, eventually, find yourself stuck in a dynamic where you take care of the person, and they drain you and give nothing back.

Please. You have children to think of here. Please get into counseling, stop looking for love from men, start looking inside. I recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You have a lot to sort out in your life. Do not run away from it by focusing on the feckless men that surround you.

I've seen him drunk and he's nasty but always so apologetic the next day. He's verbally nasty, not physically.

This statement from you ^ makes my blood run cold. For you and your children.

You are literally already making excuses for an active alcoholic to abuse you. You imply that it's OK that he is "nasty" when drunk because he's "apologetic" the next day. Oh well that makes it ok then And you also seem to imply that since he's only verbally nasty, it should be fine, right?

I beg you, I honestly beg you, turn your gaze inwards. Rescue your children from the horrific suffering you'll put them through if you carry on down this path. DO NOT TAKE UP WITH THIS MAN.

Great post beesandknees

I agree. Don't get any deeper with the new man. Really.

OP - my father was an alcoholic. And i have seen other family members have a problem with drink.

The only way your new man can be a 'recovering' alcoholic is by NOT drinking. Just not drinking spirits - as you say - he manages his problem. Makes it less noticeable.
But it will come back and get worse one day. It will. He is an ACTIVE alcoholic. Just a functioning one.

So - a few things came to mind when I read your post.

First - you are NOT a slut. You are unhappy and dealing with that unhappiness in a way you can.
I won't be the one to cast a stone in your direction. It's your life and your choice.

Second. Your husband is using you. If what keeps you together is him being afraid of losing his life-style - do you really need this?

Third. If this new man is really serious about you, he needs to stop drinking. Period.
And go to meetings.
And only after that goes on for a while can you, possibly, begin to trust him. Both for you and your kids sanity and safety.

So you're cheating on your husband with an aggressive, verbally abusive alcoholic...sounds like a great life plan

quote: Thank you all for your messages. No, he doesn't go to meeting and does still drink alcohol. He steers clear from spirits now. I've seen him drunk and he's nasty but always so apologetic the next day. He's verbally nasty, not physically.

Steer a million miles clear. I am an alcoholic so i know what i'm talking about. An active alcoholic is absolutely not something you want to tie yours or your children's lives to - no more than you would want to jump in a river with a cement block chained to you.

Please re-read your posts.
End it with the alcoholic.
He's still addicted to alcohol and he will make your life a misery and drag you down eventually.
End it with your husband.
It's his look out to sort his life out after separation.
You are NOT responsible for these men.
They are adults.
Do google co-dependency and find out why you are like this.
A bit of counselling for yourself wouldn't go amiss either!
Just be on your own and find yourself.
It's liberating.

End it with the alcoholic. You are seeing his very best behavior. It will get worse. And worse. Don't let him near your children. He is an abusive drunk.

Please don't destoy your children's lives by getting them involved with a nasty alcoholic.

Goodness me. I can't believe you are considering leaving your husband for someone with a drink problem who gets 'nasty verbally'.

Good god.

End it with both men, be on your own with your kids.

Also the fact that his family know you and want you to be together, when your husband and kids don't know. That is so disrespectful.

I appreciate all of your comments. And deserve the negative ones. I ended it with the alcoholic last night after going to his unannounced and finding him drinking a bottle of vodka. Apparently it's my fault as I've hurt him.
I will sort my husbands accommodation out for him and be on my own.

The best gift you can give yourself is to be on your own for a while and get happy with yourself outside of a relationship. The best gift you can give your kids is the example of a strong independent woman.

Not going to berate you for the affair life isn't black and white

Good for you. You are making tough decisions, but I think you are making the right ones.

It will get better.

I feel for you and I'm so pleased you ended it with the alcoholic. You might find it helps you to think about why he was attractive to you - I like to think people come into our life for a reason. I was in a similar situation 4/5 months ago - and I walked away primarily because of the alcohol. I separated from my husband first though because I realised from the affair that I did want "more" and was ready to take the scary step of finding a new relationship. I've had some mixed experience since which has been slightly painful so I would say take some time out if you can to be kind to yourself and remind yourself that you are strong and can make good choices.

I honestly didn't know about the alcoholism when I met him. I was attracted to the fact he seemed to find me attractive and gave me lots of attention and affection. Sounds shallow I know. I think that's what I crave :(

Well done for ending it with the OM. You got a taste last night of how life would go with him - blaming you for his drinking spirits. You did NOT cause him to drink - would you really want to live your life with a man who downs vodka in secret and then tries to pin it on you?

If you really need to sort out your husband's accomodation before officially splitting up then I say do so - but can you see how this is another example of taking on responsibility for another person? Responsibility they can and should have for themselves?

Try and figure out a way to focus on yourself and your children. It's so seductive to be the co-dependant partner because you can kid yourself you care, are a nice person and just like to help - and there are usually elements of liking to care for others in co-dependents. However, there is also a need to be needed and to enable poor behaviour, and this ultimately becomes very destructive.

It's ok to admit you're co-dependent. Lots of people realise they have been, recover, and then manage to put their caring and empathic nature to good use.

It's also more than ok to want intimacy, affection, attention and positivity from significant others! However, actual intimacy isn't affairs or cheating or any of those things. In time you might realise you were attracted to this OM because yes he gave you affection but he was also unsuitable and not someone you could have real intimacy with.

Moving on, do you really think it's a great idea to leave a marriage only to run to an alcoholic with a "colourful past." It sounds like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. You need to get yourself sorted before making a potentially huge mistake. If you want to leave your husband, fine, but don't drag your kids into a situation that has disaster written all over it.

This 💯

Sorry posted too soon