I'm not who I thought I was

[thedowntontrout]

My older sister has been compiling a family tree for years. Our parents died a few years ago.

I'm the youngest of 3 by a decade and both my brother and sister remember me being born. It's always been apparent that I came along quite late and was probably unplanned- parents were both in their 40's. I had a difficult relationship with my mother for lots of reasons and for much of my childhood she suffered from depression.

To cut a long story short. My sister and few cousins have had DNA tests to try and shed some light on a mystery in our great grandparents time. I agreed to have one and never thought anymore about it. Except mine came back and clearly showed that I am only related to one side of the family. My brother and sister are my half siblings. Basically my/our Dad is not my father.

This is a huge shock. I'm nearly 50. None of us had any idea. Although as time goes by I realise this explains a lot, they have remembered events that didn't make sense. The outstanding thing for me is that my mum once told me she tried to kill herself when I was born. I carried that weight with me for years, all the guilt, wondering why she didn't love me- all the emotional crap that that brings with it have affected me all my life.

In lots of ways none of it matters, I was closest to my Dad, it doesn't change that, I'm sure he didn't know and I'm not about to go searching for another family. But I'm angry and I'm hurt and I just feel that all my life has been a lie and I'll probably never find out the truth. There's no one left to ask anyway. The issue is that this has opened up all sorts of emotions about my relationship with my mum that I've had therapy for and dealt with over the years and I'm struggling with it.

Long time poster on new account but have also name changed.

I've been researching my family tree for almost 20 years and have done several different DNA tests. I would caution you reading a whole lot into the Ancestry DNA test. It's more of a guide than a medical test. The geographical information can be very sketchy for example. Also with an autosomal test, siblings won't have matching DNA, so your sister would have been truthful with her intentions. I've even heard of siblings having very different results due to inheriting different parts of DNA than the other from parents and grandparents etc.
You can also upload your ancestry results to FTDNA and Gedmatch for different interpretations and to compare where your siblings DNA differs from yours.
I'd advise you have a paternity level test with your sister, one that will be able to prove a relationship with more certainty and then you can decide ether you want to get further support and explore your family connections further.
PM me if you need any help exploring your tree X

This must be an awful shock to you thedowntontrout
I'm sorry your DH has let you down too x

I can imagine that you have had to be the strong one; the person shielding others and being seen to just carry on. This has been a terrible, massive shock. Please don't feel you need to minimise with your family when this is a key time where you should be able to ask for, expect and accept some support. Hopefully this is an opportunity for DH to step up and go some way to make up for letting you down. It's horrible to feel vunerable but it's also ok to expect those who love us to walk through difficult times by our side. You are worth this. You are who you always were and when the shock subsides hopefully some solace will shine through.

Yes it is disturbing. I always had,a copy of my short birth cert so I ordered a full one and found I was actually born at my mum's family home and not the address she told me. I was actually on the wedding photos when she married step dad I remember asking who the little girl was and she said just a little girl we used to know! I know she was trying to create a happy family for me bit i wouldlike the truth

grim we have the Gedmatch data. Comparatively speaking I am very different to my siblings. They are broadly similar. It's like they are a 70% match to each other. I'm about a 20% match to either of them. Like first cousins.

sandgrown that's tough. Especially as it seems others were aware but no one has told you. I'm sorry.

Having done it myself I am getting loads of 3rd and 4th cousin matches from both sides of the family so think carefully if you want to know
If this is anything like the .messages I'm getting from another genetic testing service (after having my DNA mapped by them), I don't think they are definitely relatives that are being highlighted at all.
The amount of DNA you share with a 3rd or 4th cousin could be very small, which means they can suggest quite a lot of people who happen to be in their database, that COULD be distant cousins, but these are not definitely any relation at all.
It sounds as if you aren't intending to pursue that approach anyway OP, but I'm a bit concerned that people believe these services are finding their long lost relatives, when I don't think that is what it means.

No, 'matching' with DNA 'relatives' is not really a thing but as with most DNA testing it is more useful for exclusion than inclusion.

I don't think that has much relevance to the op though.

Op, there is so much in what you have found out that could eventually become a positive thing though. Of course it is gut wrenching right now and it is something you need to allow yourself to have feelings about but it also seems like it could eventually be the key to so many things for you...

we all had the same mother but we all had differing experiences of that mother. Sometimes it's like we're all talking about different people.
I think this is often the case even when the family circumstances are less messed up. I'm ten years older than my siblings and had a different experience of my mother to them. They are only a year apart but are quite different in character, so their memories focus on different things. One sister remembers more of the unpleasant behaviour than the other. (A bit unfortunate, as our mother reckons we are making it all up anyway.)

I also think it is important to share what you feel with your family. They might actually like being able to support and help you. Perhaps you have grown up forced to be self-sufficient and may not be used to asking for help?

Thanks theDownton DP does not understand how important a sense of identity is but he knew his parents. I hope you get the answers you need