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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

End of the line

10 replies

Bobbi50000 · 25/09/2017 12:08

How do you know when you reach the end of the line? When it would jst be better to split and be done with it? When you stop saying we can fix this after every row, every split, you keep coming back for more, and it seems ok for a while and then the same old rows, and going round and round in therapy, inching forward and then a big fight and back to square one. I'm so tired. I want to be a hermit. I want to be alone. But I don't want my DC to come from a "broken home" in the old lingo and I don't know if I'll regret it in the end if I call time now. We have a deal to keep trying to October. In my head, the plan was if things are better by then then we'll stay together, and if not, we'll quit, and I was hoping for at least a few weeks of calm, a real sense that we had turned a corner. And we had, kinda. But today after another difficult session with our therapist I feel really back to the beginning. I want to give up. Should I give up?

I know you don't know. Just needed to vent.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 25/09/2017 12:15

the same old rows, and going round and round in therapy, inching forward and then a big fight and back to square one sounds pretty broken to me.

Why is it worse for a child to go between two happy houses, than for everyone to live together in one unhappy house?

Hint: it isn't.

FWIW I don't think it sounds like you're "giving up". I think it sounds like you're working bloody hard. But some things can't be resolved, and at some point we can give ourselves permission to "stop flogging a dead horse".

cakecakecheese · 25/09/2017 12:19

It's much better for kids to have happy separated parents than be in a house with constant arguments, you have to stop thinking about the 'broken home' scenario and think of what would actually make you happy. It doesn't sound like you are at the moment. Has the therapy not helped at all?

Bobbi50000 · 25/09/2017 12:29

The therapy has helped. We are definitely in a better state than say a year ago. I know she doesn't want to give up, and that she loves me. But I just don't think we can fix this. I don't want to fight anymore. And I want some peace.

OP posts:
Bobbi50000 · 25/09/2017 12:38

And then i think about the reality of telling the DC, and the impact on them, selling the house, the dispproval of all and sundry, the friends who will blame me, the lonliness. And I think I should keep on keeping on. So hard to make a decision.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 25/09/2017 13:18

Honestly OP broken home is a fucking insult to all of us parenting on our own. My kid is certainly not broken and I have seen plenty of kids who are products of shitty marriages that are.

Why don't you focus on how you split and co-parent effectively instead

Bobbi50000 · 25/09/2017 13:36

Sorry jeaux90. I didn't mean to offend anyone. I didnt say anything about anyone's kids being broken. The only thing broken is my relationship. Which I feel shit about.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 25/09/2017 14:20

A broken home is one where the kids are exposed to shitty relationships, conditioned to behave in certain ways to appease their parents and where the parents are miserable. That's a broken home.

It's not broken if the parents decide to mange the separation like adults, co-parent effectively and remain positive in their kids lives.

I hope you find a way to mend your broken home I really do.

jeaux90 · 25/09/2017 14:27

And I do mean that in a kind way. Perhaps the issue here is that you need to see you current situation as broken and separation as a way of fixing it. Not the other way round.

squaresandsquares · 25/09/2017 22:28

I've just fixed my broken home by leaving their dad as we were at the end of the line with our relationship

BackInTheRoom · 25/09/2017 22:54

OP, please read some of John Gottmans book. He has a 'love lab' in the USA and has done years of research in to relationships. YouTube in the meantime:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/634227.TenLessonsstoTransformmYour_Marriage

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