Tell me what you do when your marriage isn't making either of you happy

[JessiCake]

It sounds like a stupid question but I'm just trying to seek advice from people who've been through it.

This is not me, this is my brother.

He and his wife seem incapable of making the other happy.

They were happy (ish) until the birth of their children.

Things have been in a downward spiral since then. Near-constant rows (so far as I was able to surmise from talking to him, and in fairness from the eyes in my head; every time we saw them they were either engaged in a frozen silence suggesting there had just been a row or snapping at each other/icy politeness sugesting that there was about to be a row)

They separated a couple of years ago but (with no counselling and seemingly no plan to change things) moved back in together after about 9 months.

It doesn't seem to have made the slightest bit of difference. I can see, again, how they have become icy and furious towards one another. I am fairly astute; I can tell when there has been a row. They spend no time together, seem to avoid family time together as much as possible. I don't see my SIL very often but when I see my brother he is stressed out and grumpy.

I don't think there is neccessarily any 'blame' but I think they just cannot make each other happy. They are both very high achievers, both very stressed-out ALL the time, both quite neurotic. I think this situation was OK before they had their chidlren but I think the kids have put so much strain on them that it has broken them down.

My original question sounds silly because obviously an unhappy marriage can't go on.

But they seem unable to make that decision.

Obviously I'm not going to make it for them (!!!) but in a weird way I'm just asking from people who have been there (unhappy marriage with kids) what the options ARE. I can see that neither of them wants an divorce and I can understand that. But surely the alternative isn't just to go on in an increasingly embittered/resentful/angry marriage.

I know they have not been for counselling. If they didn't do it when they last separated I don't imagine they will do it now.

But how can they fix this without help?

And should they even try? Hard though it is, isn't it better for them and for their children if they can find a way to stop the daily misery?

Sorry, I don't know why I'm posting really. Saw them this weekend and unhappiness/stress was palpable, and painful.

The most important issue in all of this mess is one you didn't address and that's the impact this is having on their children. Being raised in an angry, dysfunctional home is so damaging, and I think you should tell your brother that. Is this really the example he wants for them? They can either get counseling and try to improve their relationship, or they should be encouraged to divorce. Staying together only because of the children is NOT always the best plan.

Sorry, op, I see you did mention the kids at the end! And the misery they live in is untenable.

Aqua, yes you're spot on and that's the thing I think that has made me feel very despondent this morning.

Their children are 5 and 3. Old enough to be picking all this up. Well tbf, old enough to have felt the tension ever since they were born, as I believe that thisis what kids do. Just because they seem easy-going and well-mannered etc doesn't mean they're not suffering. I grew up in an unhappy household (in a different way; controlling mother) and I was cheerful and easy as pie as a child. Until I had a nervous breakdown in eearly adulthood.

I get, now, why people stay together 'for the kids' (as I now see why people think this is the right thing to do). But it just can't be, can it? Not when the misery and stress are layers deep?

Hard though that decision to split up permanently is, and I am certain that it is, I don't see an alternative when things are this bad?

Is it a bit like an addiction, that admitting it/owning it/facing it is the first step? Until that happens I think they are in limbo (my reading of the situation) always imagining things will get better when... when... when... But with no plan in place to even try to achieve this, even if it were possible.