Wedding vows, years later.

[PrettyCandles]

While rummaging for something I came across our wedding vows this morning. Rereading them, I find I still feel the same way as I did when dh and I wrote them and when we made them to each other.

Do you feel your wedding vows were right for you, do they still fit, or do you think that maybe you were a little naive and life isn't quite what you expected? And, if things haven't turned out the way you expected when you made your vows, are you still with your dh/dw?

Only been married 9 months. Not really had a chance to think about these things.
Although DH doesn't do as much washing up as he used to.

Thinks haven't quite been as I expected

But I still meant every word

We got married in church over 25 years ago, and I don't think we really considered the vows individually in the way you would if you were writing your own. we have both broken the ones we made, but different ones with different effects. Some vows get a lot of focus - like physical faithfulness - but other equally important ones like 'all my worldly good with thee I share' or 'cherish' if broken tend not to be treated as the big thing they are. With hindsight we also had different and unspoken 'contracts' in our marriage.

We split up. Good pre-marital counselling would have cleared up quite a few things, as would the process of writing our own vows. There might have been a few surprises!

At the risk of a good slap for thread hijacking and blatant own-trumpet-blowing, this is why humanist ceremonies and writing one's own vows are a general Good Thing. You get to think a bit more about what you're offering one another and what you're aspiring to. The traditional vows can, of course, have massive resonances for some people but they can also be phrases that are so familiar (from other weddings both real life and on film) that they kind of don't have the same impact.

the priest " do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded wife"

" yes" said i -

yes i do feel the same - he is MY BITCH

I really need to go and ask for a copy of our vows... we didn't write them, but they weren't the standard ones either because it wasn't a "normal" church.

I was going to write them, and then the ones he showed us were just perfect

yes, still feel the same. together 9 years, married 7. he is still the most gorgeous person i know, for so many reasons. plus he gave me 3 amazing dc... aw, i love him sooooo much!

Custy - he didn't, did he? ROFL

When I finally decided that divorce was the only option, STBXH tried, amongst other wriggles and quibbles, the line about "you made a promise in church". I thought that was so crass. YES I made promises and YES I meant them, but it's a two-way thing and if one partner has spent the last two decades making the other deeply unhappy with their behaviour, they have broken their half of the bargain. I reckon I owe him nothing.

Funny thing, he was always quick with remarks like "this isn't a real marriage" or "I'll take myself out of your life so you can find someone better", then when I said "Oh OK then" he not only didn't mean it, he had never even said it!

me too Annie - and I've heard the 'I made a promise/you made a promise' from other reluctant divorcees too. It's like 'OK we've signed the paper so that's it got her' rather than 'hmm, actually, I promised to cherish - am I doing any cherishing here? i promised to honour, that wasn't very honourable was it'. Marriage is an ongoing relationship, not a deal struck on a lovesick day in your early 20's pre-children.

Not that I feel strongly about this ...