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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So feckin Angry

11 replies

twinkerbell · 24/09/2017 09:45

I have posted a few times over the last few months. Some will remember my story but it doesn't matter.
Now I am further along the path and living in an awful situation until our house sale completes.
I have been so focussed on getting out of this horrendous mess the last few months it is all hitting me now and I am so angry.
almost 17 years of my life was a waste of time! I am never going to get that back and too old to have the life that I wanted now, how much can you hate a single person?

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 24/09/2017 09:59

Gosh do you mean do you mean hate been single or hate single people because neither apply.

Are you worried about being single? Don't be. I have been a single mum for 6 years and loved it. I have been in a relationship with someone for 18 months but no intention of blending our lives. I like what we have.

I'm 45

Just focus on getting yourself out of the shot you are in then focus on you, your kids if you have them, work and friends. The rest will work out x

fluffygal · 24/09/2017 10:03

You mean you hate one single person, your ex? I have definitely been there- it will eventually fade and you will have to consciously move on or the bitterness will eat you up for the rest of your life. Don't look at it as a waste of your life- it's part of the journey.

twinkerbell · 25/09/2017 23:33

I mean I hate my ex, not single people.
I hate him for the explosion he has caused in our lives and our daughters. I hate him for doing what he has done and then leaving me to deal with the aftermath but most of all I hate him for lying to me for years and taking away my best years, my fertile years, so I cannot have that with anyone else

OP posts:
Startoftheyear2017 · 25/09/2017 23:35

Sound tough. Don't let him ruin any more of your life. Get counselling, get fit and find a new future. 💐

toffeeapple123 · 25/09/2017 23:41

You'll feel angry and sad for a while, but I promise it will pass and you will come out strong and live a happy life. Get support, get therapy - it can work wonders. Make a list of all the things you want out of life and get achieving. There is also still time for love and companionship. Take your time to heal then the world is your oyster, really. He may have taken all those years (altho not entirely) but don't let him take a second longer!

twinkerbell · 25/09/2017 23:57

I do feel bitter and I don't like it. But I begged him for another baby for years and I stuck by him through so much, only to find out he was unfaithful the whole time. I am in my early 40's now and feel like I can't trust any man again.
I am starting therapy with my daughter in a couple of weeks

OP posts:
BeatriceBeaudelaire · 26/09/2017 00:44

@jeaux90 an individual person

Isetan · 26/09/2017 10:33

This is going to sound harsh and it's not meant to be but blaming other people for our choices isn't the path that moves us forward. You weren't robbed of having more children, you chose to stay in a relationship with a man who didn't want more, that was a choice. You gave/ give him power by suggesting that you didn't have any, when you did. Staying in an unsatisfactory relationship is a choice, your investment didn't pay off and that can be incredibly disappointing but it doesn't mean it was a waste.

I ended my relationship with my Ex after he assaulted me, I should have ended it years before but I was stuck waiting for the person I wanted him to be to show up, instead of accepting him for who he was. The saddest part, if it wasn't for the assault I would have stayed longer. In a bizarre twist, being momentarily powerless actually made me stronger because in my moment of powerlessness, my survival instinct kicked in.

Everyone has their role to play in a relationship dynamic and what I learned from my relationship post-mortem, was that the answers to why I stayed/ hid in an unsatisfactory relationship for so long, were in me. The assault and his crap behaviour that followed the assault were on him, despite his best efforts to make me culpable. The truth was I was more invested in the relationship than the person I was having a relationship with and that enabled me to overlook his many shortcomings and our incompatibility.

I was with my Ex for ten years but I don't consider it a waste because if we hadn't of been together, I wouldn't have had my awesome DD or my new found general kick-assness. I did love him once but love is not an excuse to tolerate unhealthy behaviour/ relationship dynamic.

If you want to move forward, you first need to accept your behaviour in your relationship dynamic and learn from them. The 'power' this man had over you was surrendered to him and the good news is, you can take it back anytime you like.

twinkerbell · 29/09/2017 15:39

Isetan
Thank you. It was harsh but true. I enabled him to do this to me and I am as angry with myself as I am him.

I have been in practical mode for the last couple of months, putting house on the market, filing for divorce, looking for somewhere to live etc.
NOW I am getting angry and upset and taking the power back as you say, but it will take me sometime until I've got the strength that you have.

OP posts:
OvertheRainbow2U · 29/09/2017 15:56

Wow Isetan, I could have done with your downright wisdom when I finally walked away from my ex in Feb this year. I too went through the angry stage, blaming him for my heartache - I focused on that for far too long. I actually realised myself that I had to take some blame and accept that I too played my part by staying and allowing him to treat me so badly. Feel so much better. I wrote notes about how I was feeling and keep them in a box (still do mind, it helps me) and now and then pull a random one out, read it and the 'thank god I'm in a better place now' Time really does heal all wounds - you simply cannot be devastated and beside yourself with pain for ever, I send love and hugs to anyone feeling the way that I did, take care or yourself

tradedinforyoungermodel · 29/09/2017 15:59

Op, I know exactly how you feel. I'm in my 50s and just been told by my 'soul mate and best friend' that he's decided he doesn't actually love me. I spent 25 years of my life with him, married for 21. I supported him through thick and thin, looking after him and our children and being his unpaid secretary whilst also holding down a full time job and keeping the home going while he 'worked away'. Now, when the child rearing is done and they have gone to Uni and I feel too old to find someone who can truly love me, I am discarded for someone else. And he is incapably of being honest about it. He refuses to explain, just says his feelings have changed, all the while glued to his mobile phone which now, never leaves him. It is the sheer injustice of it, the deceit, the wasted years. Why was I so stupid and gullible. He just doesn't care about the devastation he is causing to his family - we just don't matter. Stabbed in the back and thrown aside - over two decades wasted. And I know the heartache won't be over for years.

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