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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH and 3rd baby after termination

15 replies

Hermagsjesty · 24/09/2017 08:35

I have always wanted a 3rd child. DH was always unsure. 2yrs ago when our DC were very small (1 and 3yo) I fell unexpectedly pregnant. After much heartache, I terminated the pregnancy. It would be unfair to say he pressured me into it, but is true to say I'd have made a different choice had he wanted to go ahead. I've regretted the termination very bitterly ever since. At the time, DH said not then but maybe one day. Recently, we reopened a conversation about whether to go for one more and he said he thought we should. I was a bit overwhelmed and said I needed some time to be sure, including speaking to a councillor re the termination - which I did. I wanted to be sure trying for another baby wasn't just about atoning for that one, if that makes sense. Anyway, after several weeks soul searching - and trying to convince myself stopping at 2 was the right, practical thing to do - last night I told DH I thought we should go ahead and try for a 3rd. He now says he doesn't want a 3rd. I know he can't change how he feels but I feel hurt and betrayed that he gave me false hope if he wasn't completely sure what he wanted. I don't have a question really, just wanted to share how I was feeling.

OP posts:

Apileofballyhoo · 24/09/2017 08:39

I don't have an answer to your not a question but wanted to say I can understand you feeling hurt and betrayed. I would be devastated.

SparklingRaspberry · 24/09/2017 09:02

I don't have much advice I'm afraid but what he's done is cruel. You're right to feel hurt. If he didn't want a 3rd he should've been totally honest and not given you false hope.

How can you genuinely go from wanting a 3rd baby to not wanting one so quickly?

Gorgosparta · 24/09/2017 09:05

Did he mislead you or has he changed his mind?

LittleBooInABox · 24/09/2017 09:05

I had the same only we were actively trying. He'd go from willing to despondent in the 2 week wait saying, if you are pregnant get rid. My therapist told me it was a form of control. But other parts of my relationship were rubbish as well.

Hugs OP it's an awful thing to go through.

Original poster

Hermagsjesty · 24/09/2017 09:18

Thankyou all. He says he has changed his mind but it feels quite a quick time to go from absolutely wanting one to definitely not and I can't help feeling - knowing what we've been through previously - he should have been more cautious of saying it if he wasn't absolutely sure.

OP posts:

Trills · 24/09/2017 09:20

It's very easy to say yes to something when it is vague and in the future, then realise when it becomes "real" that you are not so sure.

I wouldn't assume that he has deliberately misled you or intends to hurt you, unless you have other reasons to think he is like that (and if you do think he is like that, you probably don't want to have another baby with him anyway).

Gorgosparta · 24/09/2017 09:26

Yes he should have been more careful with what he said.

But he hasnt misled you. And whe he said it, yiu also needes time and help to be sure. He has taken that time to make sure he definitely sure and changed his mind.

It must be extremely painful for you though. Even though it doesnt sounds like he went out of his way to hurt you. I am not sure what you can do other than further counselling to come to terms with this. And maybe joint counselling so you can both move past this.

Original poster

Hermagsjesty · 24/09/2017 10:01

I think joint counselling might be a good idea. Thankyou

OP posts:

winterwinter · 24/09/2017 11:09

Does he understand how much of a profound effect this is having on you psychologically? If he does then he shouldn’t be saying things that he doesn’t mean. Definitely get counselling xxxx

userxx · 24/09/2017 12:16

Agree with winter - I really don't think he has any idea what this is doing to you.

Original poster

Hermagsjesty · 25/09/2017 14:05

I don't think he does realise how hard I find it- and it's so hard to explain because that urge for another child isn't necessarily something you can rationally explain...

OP posts:

Tazerface · 25/09/2017 16:00

I can only imagine how angry and hurt you must be. This has nothing to do with me and all I could think was how I'd be screaming and crying 'how dare you!' at him.

I don't have any other advice, just a handhold really.

Floralnomad · 25/09/2017 16:06

I would imagine that you having to think about it , have counselling and several weeks of soul searching probably just gave him the jitters that it's not the right thing to do . It's a bit like if someone proposes and the person says oh I will have to think about it for several weeks it would certainly make me question whether I should have proposed in the first place IYSWIM . Sorry that's no help .

Original poster

Hermagsjesty · 25/09/2017 16:24

I hadn't thought of it like that Floral-nomad but that is actually a really useful perspective - and probably has some truth in it.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 25/09/2017 19:03

I think the fact that you didn't go for it straight away made him question if it was the right thing to do.

I mean you asked him, he says yes...then you take a while to think about it.

He might be internally questioning how genuine you were when you asked...just a different perspective.

He may have perceived it as some sort of test ...I disagree with those saying he's cruel.

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