Right, I'm offloading as, right now, I have no one to talk to in rl.
DH suffers from depression, has done for about a decade on and off but has got worse in the last couple of years. His depression manifests as anger a lot of the time which is obvs horrible for me and the DCs (DS8 and DD6). The DCs kind of get it, I've done the "black dog" talk with them.
Today DH woke up in a vile mood but insisted that we all spend the morning together although I offered him the option of me taking the DCs shopping and to the park to give him a bit of time alone.
It was 11.30 by the time we left the house and I realised it was too late to go to our local market where DH wanted to go which pissed him off. Then I said we couldn't have toasties for lunch as the loaf of bread I was making wouldn't be ready and I'd already got rolls out of the freezer. He went mental, shouting on about how we have to always stick to a routine.
Then a minute or two later some boy racer made him brake the car a bit so DH wound down his window and called him a prick. This lad stopped and gave a bit of verbal back, so DH got out of the car and proceeded to have a big sweary row in the street, in front of this bloke's kids and our own (and probably the whole of the village we were driving through, although I don't particularly care about that).
By this time, both our DCs were crying, and DH got back in the car. I must've said something (dunno what, probs along the lines of "WTAF are you doing?") and then he went on one about how I just expect him to be a pussy and take the other guy's shit and it wasn't fair.
Then he pulled up the car and got out and walked off, so we went shopping. He came and found us and waited in the car, but didn't speak to me the whole time we drove home, then went to bed. I've spent the rest of the day dealing with my kids who are pissed off and emotional after watching their father lose his shit.
Today isn't unusual, although he has been a bit better the last couple of weeks. He's been having counselling, but it still feels like his depression is another member of the family, holding us all hostage. We tiptoe around him, but his temper goes from 0-60 in about 2 seconds flat. He's never violent, but he often calls me all the names under the sun - in front of the DCs - when he's angry (admittedly, he has been better about this recently, until today).
I understand depression, I really do. I had PND after both DCs and I suffered with it at uni too, with panic attacks and anxiety so I do know what it's like. I'm sympathetic to DH's mental health but, my god, he is hard to live with. His ADs (Sertraline) make him really tired and he has no sex drive. They fuck up his appetite and his bowels, but he's been on them for ages and last time he tried to come off them it was hell. I can't leave him as I don't have enough money and, besides, it's not his fault he is ill. I wouldn't leave him if he had cancer.
I worry about the effect DH's anger is having on the kids (DS already has a tendency to get overly aggro when asked to do something he doesn't want to do). DH is responsible for most of the childcare (I'm a FT teacher, he works PT) and I worry about what things are like when I'm not around. DS asked me what DH used to be like before the black dog this afternoon and it nearly broke my heart remembering how happy DH used to be. I wish the kids got to see him like that more (he is still like it sometimes, but not much).
So really, that's it. Although if anyone has any tips for surviving a partner with depression, I'd be glad for them. Thanks for listening.