Had a huge screaming row with my ex (sad)

[colditz]

he says he loves us, misses us, wants to move back in

Won't disclose how much money he owes and who to. Doesn't understand that if he wants to move back in, I have a right to insist on knowing how long I am expected to wait before his debts are cleared.

At the minute I am waiting for him, and this will probably continue, but I must say, I am nearly 27, I have waited all my 20's for him to sort himself out, I'm not waiting my 30's too.

oh bloody hell colditz

You're right, you DO have the right to know where he stands - it affects your whole family doesn't it.

Poor you

I wouldn't let him move in. Even when he clears his debts there is nothing to stop him running up more, fine if he wants to mess up his own life but why keept messing up yours when you could meet someone who has a clue about stability, security etc all those things that are important when you have children depending on you.

Do you love him? Is it enough?

I don't think love is enough - or it has to be measured up to the love and responsibility you have for your kids. He has to get that.

How are you getting on without him there? Is he still contributing?

of course he loves you , you are fab! of course he misses you , you are his family !

but he still won;t give you the truth......stand firm , you deserve better

you are a young woman, you sound really pragmatic about this, if he wants to be in an adult relationship, he needs to act like an adult

and that means being honest and not glossing over the truth, however painful

This must be really difficult for you. Especially if you still love him. I don't think there is ever an easy, painfree answer wher love is concerned. Thinking of you x

I'm afraid, in your shoes, I'd assume the debt picture is pretty grim - if it was OK he wouldn't object to telling you, would he? Maybe he anticipates that honesty will cost him his chances with you, so he is refusing to tell you. Not good.

Don't know what I'd do if it was happening to me. Sorry it's so complicated and emotional.

I'm scared that if he realises how 'grabby' I feel about the security and money, he will refuse to move back in even if he can see the kids

I'm scared that I will be on my own forever

I want to SOLVE this problem, because apart from money and lies about money, our relationship was getting much better.

And I don't kmow if I am clinging to something unsavable.

FWIW Colditz I do think you could probably get your relationship back on track. It will take a lot of hard work and committment but if you both want it to succeed you can do it.
First of all he will have to be honest with you about the debts. Completely honest.

I don't know the full story so forgive me if this sounds patronising but if you could list all the debtors. Work out what you owe against what you have coming in. Make arrangements to pay them all a small amount each month and YOU be in charge of the money. Would that work? He may not like it but you now hold all the cards. If he wants to come home then he is going to have to play by your rules!

And you are not being 'grabby'. What you are feeling is completely understandable, completely!!

Oh I hate this it is so hard

How are you today Colditz?

I just wondered, have you thought about still maintaining a realtionship with your DH but living seperately, just until he sorts himself out and you feel you can trust him again. This really doesn't have to be the end of the relationship, not if you don't want it to be.
I wouldn't rush into taking him back, not just yet, because i think you need some time to recover fro all this, to pick yourself up and regain some strength. I wouldn't rush into taking him back just because you are scared if you don't you will lose him for good. You still have to do what is best for you as well as him.

Anyway, i'm thinking of you and I hope you are ok today xx

i have nothing useful to add, but i am sorry you have found yourself in this situation colditz

ATM we have a volitile 'friend' relationship... hope it gets better.

I have this horrible feeling he might want you as a shield from his problems, rather than as a person. If he moves back in he'll at least have a roof over his head and something to eat. Not that he doesn't love you of course, but when he's surrounded by problems he will naturally look for a bolt hole, not a life partner. As you already know, as long as you cover for him he has no incentive to learn. Ifonly's advice is, as usual, extremely sound. If he can sort himself out, he may eventually come back to you, not to his meal ticket.