Advice needed desperately

[jodiemay]

My dh and I had a huge row last night, over a comment he made at dinner which really upset me. We watched that "You are what you eat" and the lady on there had no sex drive, so she was advised to take zinc tablets, well at dinner last night my husband asked if they made minus zinc tablets because he has too much (a high sex drive), so I asked what he meant and he said that he didn't need them but I did. May seem very trivial but really upset me. We have a 20 month old son and I am a SAHM, my husband is a shift worker. We have sex maybe every other month, due to me basically. I don't want sex, I don't even think about it from one month to the next. My mind is so preoccupied with my home life and I am about to go back to work, my dh goes away for scooter rallies and plays golf, and I feel that I try so hard to enable him to do the things that he wants and it still isn't enough. I don't get away for my hobbies and since ds has been born, I haven't even had a night away from him.
I spose what I am asking is, am I being unfair, I can't help not wanting sex but it doesn't help with dh moaning about it, what do I do?

Or more to the point, what can he do? Is sex a fantastic pleasure or just another chore? Because it should be the former, and if it's not, it turns into the latter. And who needs more chores?

jodiemay - There is a thread going called "Disappointed with your sex life part 2" which may be of some help to you. You should find it in the relationships list. It is active. Everybody's welcome.

jodiemay - It's here: Disappointed with your sex life Part 2
Good luck. l xx

Hi jodiemay. This is a serious issue - infrequent sex is no problem at all if both partners are happy that way, but not if one of you isn't, since it could end up dividing you. It sounds to me as if it isn't the only problem. You sound as if you feel taken for granted what with dh enjoying all his hobbies and you not getting the chance, and a woman who feels taken for granted isn't going to be experiencing an overwhelming desire to pamper the person inciting that feeling.

Could you have a chat with him, without arguing, and explain just how servant-like you are feeling. Perhaps if you could get out a bit more and start rediscovering the person you were before being mummy, the fun-loving part of you could receive a bit of stimulus for a change. It isn't a bit sexy being mummy 24 hours a day. You need to have time to be simply a woman for a few hours a week so that you can be a lover again.

Tell him to get a babysitter and take you out to dinner, to mind your ds regularly so that you can get back to doing some of the things you like. Make sure you find time to lie in the bath, do your nails and hair or whatever it is that makes you feel attractive and confident.

The first two years after having a baby are low-sex, in my experience, but it does come back when the day-to-day work of caring for a small child begins to ease. Unfortunately this is a danger time in relationships and many many of them fall apart under the strain. It isn't a gift to your child, your husband or yourself if you run yourself into the ground. Everyone benefits from a relaxed and fulfilled mum in the family. It's all too easy to feel guilty if we take some time for ourselves, but stamp on that feeling right away and keep reminding yourself that you are not a servant and your child will not die if you leave him with dh or a babysitter for a few hours every week.

Hopefully your dh will be willing to help you get some leisure time, especially if he understands that this represents his best hope of making you feel sexy again!

Janstar, thanks, I know that I need to talk to him, but when I do, he seems to get very uptight which I know is natural. I feel that I have let him have too much time to himself and his hobbies and now it's backfiring on me, and he'd rather spend time with his "scooter and golf mates" than me. I don't allow myself any time, and channel it all into making sure that dh is happy and can go on his rallies and no-one, apart from me, seems to notice that I need time too! You're ansolutely right that I need time to do my own thing, unfortunatley dh is like most men and doesn't think to book a table for a meal or organising a babysitter, that's usually left to me. I feel like I'm in a vicious circle and without him listening and there, I feel lost and lonely.

Jodiemay, you're explaining it so well here, why can't you explain it to him. It's very difficult for men to understand that sex isn't something separate from other parts of life, but that's what he needs to understand - if he realises that he is more likely to have a happy, frequent sex life if he has a happy, relaxed wife, then that is half the battle. Men are quite often in denial about this because it means they have to make time sacrifices as well - but most are willing to make that sacrifice when they realise what the reward is!

I wonder why he gets uptight? Men sometimes see us describing our needs as nagging, don't they? But I always tell my dh that women only 'nag' if nobody listens when they talk normally!

If I were you I would book the table and babysitter myself and get the ball rolling. Perhaps if you both have a few drinks and relax you'll find it easier to chat. The next thing I would do, rather than asking if he minds, would simply be to organise for myself some of the activities I wanted to do. Then I would say, 'I've decided I am turning into a frump and need some hobby time like you. I'm joining a squash club/poetry group/brass band/whatever, they meet on Tuesday evenings, so can you be here to babysit on Tuesdays please?' How can he object? If he does he opens the door wide for criticism of his own time out.

Remind him of the woman he fell in love with. That woman is going to drown in a sea of dull repetetive tasks and he will never see her again if you don't get a chance to nurture her.

Don't be a doormat. No one will thank you for it, including him. He'll lose respect for you if you don't respect yourself enough to make sure you have the same rights as the next person. I bet you he will sit up and take notice once he can see the relaxed, smiling, fulfilled woman he found attractive in the first place.

If you find discussing all this with him tricky, why not print off this thread and leave it lying about for him to read?

You guys are so right, today is a new day and all that! Dh just rang from work actually to apologise , again, and to say that he's had time to reflect and think's that he behaved like an animal last night and doesn't know what got into him, and that he spends too much time channelling his energy into being liked (had an awful childhood), when he has a family that love him and he's pushing them away. I hope he means it and that things will change, we'll see. Thanks for your help, feel much better and more positive!

I have told him that I want him to read this thread and he said he would.!!!

Janstar's right. If you wait for him to 'give you permission' to go out, you could be waiting all your life. As he sees it, you don't go out because you don't want to - and if you don't say anything why should he think any different? You can't blame him for going out and having fun if you've encouraged him (not that I'm saying you are blaming him), but now you need to do for yourself what you do for him - organise things you want to do and do them. And yes, arrange a dinner out and book the babysitter. Tell your husband that he's right, that your relationship has felt functional for a while, and you think to get the romance back you both need time out of the house and out of your rut so you are going to yoga/a girls night out and you've booked at table at a restaurant for Friday night. And to be fair to your dh, I don't think he was moaning on about it - it's important to him, he may well be feeling sad, hurt and rejected that his wife doesn't fancy him anymore (as he sees it) and he probably didn't know how to raise the subject. It was a bit clumsy, probably, but now he's raised the subject you can talk about it together. Tell him honestly that you don't feel any sex drive and discuss why that is - eg not enough time for yourself to feel like a woman in your own right, and not enough couple time to feel romantic and loving. Come up with ideas together.

Whoops - cross posted. He sounds like a good man Jodiemay - hope you can have some fun together again.

Yes, he sounds lovely. We all argue from time to time, but there are lots of men who won't apologise or reconsider what they've said. It sounds like you have a good chance to really talk later. I've found that alone can make me feel sexy - it's all about recapturing the intimacy.

He is a good man, and there is noone I'd rather be with. I am glad that he's had time to think and approach the situation in a more adult way, he has trouble talking about his feelings and doesn't have any close mates that he can confide in, so the problem, to dh, gets multiplied so large that eventually he bursts. I try to encourage him to talk, but he never has done, maybe from what's happened last night, he has done a lot of thinking and thinks that now is the time to change and try. I love him and hope it works out. I know Aloha that some of it is my fault, as I said earlier, I spent too much time ensuring that dh was happy, everyone forgot about me and now it's time to do something about it. In fact, I am now going to book myself in to have my nails done on Saturday, thanks girls, I really appreciate all the advice and help!