My uncle. Sexual abuse.

[Furryface]

This is not current but it's on my mind a lot and I'm still confused. When I was 7 ish, my uncle, who was about 16 and always in trouble with the police, used to babysit me. I remember him coming into my room and getting into bed with me and I remember the terrible fear. After that everything is a blank and I don't remember him getting out of bed after.

I used to have terrible nightmares at that time and would lay awake for hours thinking I could hear someone dragging themselves up the stairs and waiting for the person to come in my room. I would lay paralysed with fear and then have crying fits. My mum brought me downstairs but I could never tell her what was wrong. Parents know nothing about this. I haven't had anything to do with him since and it's been tough having to explain why I've not gone to family events. I had to have him at my wedding too.

Sometimes I think I imagined it all because I can't remember what happened after he got into bed with me. Sometimes I know I didn't. If I'm asleep and someone touches me, I freak out and scream. I've struggled with relationships all my life and have never felt right.

Not sure what I'm asking really. Does it make sense?

Didn't want to read and run op. It sounds like you may have been advised but the memories are buried. This is quite common. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Do you have anyone irl you can confide in? Other mumsnetters will be asking soon with great advice and support also.

*abused

So so sorry this happened to you. I'm not sure what to suggest, but perhaps counselling may help. I'm sure others will have more useful suggestions.

Thanks Huldas. I find it difficult to talk about it face to face with anyone. Keep thinking that I would have remembered by now. Or maybe that really was all that happened, in which case was it abuse? I just can't get away from it and feel it's haunted my entire life.

No advice or experience but wanted to say I'm so sorry this happened you.

Thank you Thiskitten.

Thanks Apileof.

OP I think everything you are feeling is normal. Totally understand you find it hard to talk about. Posting on here is a great first step. Sounds like you are at the start of a process of addressing this issue that has affected you for so long. Give yourself time and be very gentle with yourself. You will get lots of support here.

Really think you ought to discuss or see your GP about this as its having a very adverse effect on your life and without help I don't think it will get better, but at least your taking about it here on this forum, a small step in the right direction.

Next one, professional help and do that as soon as you can!. Please?.

Can you get into counseling for survivors of childhood sexual assault? It was very helpful for me. I also find yoga helpful.

"If I'm asleep and someone touches me, I freak out and scream."

Me too. I'm happily married and my DH understands. This doesn't have to keep you from having what ever else you want in your life.

peace

The human mind can blackout as a coping mechanism meaning people have no memory of the traumatic event.

I would recommend you get in touch with your local sexual abuse support organisation. Most areas have them an d offer support and counselling specific to the issue.

Thanks so much everyone for your kindness and suggestions. I will look into my local charity. I've had counselling in the past for depression and have spoken about the abuse but wasn't tailored specifically to it. Would this make a difference? I am really weird around sex. I find it really tricky and feel like that's all men want and it makes me so angry. It has affected all my relationships and I don't feel normal.

Just reading a book called Unbroken by Madeline Black (It's a true story of a lady who was subjected to a violent rape aged 13) given what you're describing it sounds similar to themes explored in the book so it may be worth you having a read.

It was not your fault this happened to you; the blame here lies entirely with your cousin. He totally abused your trust.

Following on from what newdaylight wrote the causes of dissociation typically include trauma, often prolonged trauma, such as sexual or physical abuse, in childhood.

I would contact NAPAC as detailed below.

napac.org.uk/

Or maybe that really was all that happened, in which case was it abuse?

Child Sexual abuse includes all the actions taken to facilitate sexual gratification with a child, including all the actions involved in 'grooming' in order to facilitate such actions. So even if your Uncle 'simply' got into bed with you, this is inappropriate due to the very probable intentional sexual connotations and is thus abusive, totally. I would say your feelings over the years are reflective of this.

I think the suggestions above of getting support from a specialist CSA organisation should help.

Nothing to add other than I'm so sorry this has happened to you and take all the support you need.

I'm sorry that this happened to you Furry Face..your symptoms 'fit' having been sexually abused.
This is a helpful book
Breaking Free: Help for survivors of child sexual abuse (Insight) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0859698106/ref=cmswwrcpptai_z0PXzbWB71RQK

That book looks good Polly. Thanks for the recommendation. I really do despair that it's been too long and I'm too entrenched in it now. I've done some research on it all online and sadly I fit the profile. What has struck me is what I've read about intimacy and how relationships start out fine sexually and then the sex thing shuts down when things get too serious. This is exactly what happens to me and has cost me two marriages and is causing problems in much current relationship. All this while my uncle is playing happy families somewhere. That makes me feel really pissed off.

I would say that your experiences determine who you choose to have a relationship with in the first place. It would be worth trying to get longer term therapy, either individually or in a group specifically for those who have been abused. Ask your GP to refer you to your local NHS service?