Signs of emotional affair

[tellmetellme]

I've only ever heard this on mumsnet. Where is the boundary between friendly emails and the start of an emotional affair?

Secrecy, talking about problems in your relationship, being attracted to them, not wanting your partner to see, getting excited about seeing them, hiding your relationship status.

Anything which is setting the scene for intimacy to develop.

My husband had one, he had her number saved in his phone under a male version of her name, he didn't tell me about her, he lied when I asked, he was constantly on his phone, they were intimate and suggestive, they flirted massively, he withdrew from our family and it was all done behind my back.

Mention-Itis - I practically knew what this woman was having for breakfast.

He was also a lot more invested in what was happening in her life than mine, e.g I was having a really hard time at work and had an awful meeting one day that left me in tears, he forgot about it but was texting her that day asking all about her career plans as she was moving to a different job.
If you're going through this I'm so sorry and hope you're ok xx

Yep. A bad case of mentionitis, glue-phone syndrome, panic when phone is not within finger-tip distance, an increase in after-work drinks' events etc, a subtle distancing from you, anger and defensive behaviour when you suggest something's changed between you and he seems more distant.

a subtle distancing from you very true, it's like the wedge is slowly but surely being squeezed in the intimate space only your relationship should have.

Over the top denial of any romantic feelings for the person. Pointing out their faults as a person in an obvious way of denying anything might be going on or to demonstrate how ridiculous it might be for feelings to be developing.

I'd also add getting really over the top angry if you call them out on it. I said to my Ex about his EA - why don't you invite X round then and her husband for dinner so we can all meet each other?

He couldn't try and wriggle out of it fast enough! Told me to stop being ridiculous... mmmm

All of the above without the sex. In fact I think it is just as hurtful even if there is no sex. My DH had an EA from 2013 to 2016 and I knew nothing about it but had suspicions but he just lied when I challenged him. Ironically the end came when she sent him a birthday card that you would NOT send a friend and what she'd written made me wonder even more. Eventually I looked at his lap top and it was all there, all the e mails and then I looked at his phone bill and that really upset me as there were more or less daily phone calls.

There was a huge row when I found out and initially he was still trying to minimise it and blame me for making a mountain out of a mole hill but iwas not having that!! So for 3 months last year we argued even though he was full of remorse and had ended his EA (I feel sorry for the neighbours!) Seriously I was mortified, incredibly angry and nothing he could say could make it any better. He'd lied, cheated and deceived me. However over time last year things began to settle, but I still think of things about the EA and get upset and angry. I didn't think of leaving him - we are in our 70s and I have a mental health problem and need help. We have been together for 45 years, so I took all those things into consideration.

Sorry for anyone going through this or the more "normal" affair which involves a sexual relationship.

I'm sorry for everyone in this position too. It's so shit!

My dh started having this sort of communication with a family member's partner eight years ago, it was all discovered and 'over before it began' really but the fall out remains. There was a huge family rift and although sometimes I realise not much actually went on and it's all in the past other times I become hugely upset about it to this day. I can't help wondering occasionally, what would have gone on to happen if it hadn't been rumbled when it was.

It took years to stop thinking about it every day and for the first few years after it I wished I had left and thought about leaving all the time although in reality not an awful lot went on and I had some very good reasons to stay I wonder how far he would have took it.

I feel settled now though and we get along fine again so I am glad I stuck it out. Not sure I could if there had been more to it and dh hadn't been so remorseful.

In my experience, it was more "fail to mentionitis". She was an ex colleague of his (I'd met her regularly & spoken by telephone to advise her on financial issues she had at his request when they worked together)who got in touch to ask him to do a small job for her - he told me that much, plus how nice her new home was & that she "looked well".

That was the start of an almost six year EA preceding a three year physical affair, which only ended when I found his second mobile phone. He never mentioned her name once in all that time, but dropped her without hesitation when the shit hit the fan.

Like a PP, we had been together for 40+ years and this definitely impacts on the decisions you make about your future. It's very difficult to get over though, I still have awful times four years on.

Yes, a lot if not all of the above. When I found the secret email address his first worry was about her not having that 'safe space' anymore to talk to him,