Am I better off alone?

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

I realise I'm going to get negative comments and yes, maybe I should never have given it another go, and another... and another, but I thought I was doing my best, was I?

My DH is a good guy, he works harder than anyone else I have ever known, he spends quality time with the kids, helping with homework and doing Random nice stuff like swimming but he is so strict.
I left him last year and we really were(in my eyes) completely over, I began to see I was not innocent in all of this, he seemed to make some changes (I know no one ever really changes) and we were ok. We had a family holiday which I glossed over and have remembered that it was lovely but thinking back on it honestly I don't think it was really.

I don't know what I expected to get from this post

Thanks for reading

When you say strict, in what way? Do you mean that he's quick to stop the DC misbehaving? Or something more...?

And it doesn't matter whether he's the loveliest, softest man in the world. If you're done, then you're done 💐

Thanks for responding

I can't quite work it out, sometimes I think he is firm but fair and sometimes he is but other times it's like he takes pleasure in being in control and telling DC they can't have something even through I have just said the opposite.

Example
DD before bed tonight asked for a biscuit, I replied of course, DH said no, we do not have a tin and if you open them they will go stale. I day that's ok you can finish the bag of chocolate buttons (about 5 buttons), DH says no chocolate is bad before bed, I stick up for me and DD and insist she can have a few buttons.
Just for background she is 10, he had bought the biscuits and he is her step dad.

Would you consider him to be a bully where your dd is concerned?

I think he loves to be in control.he denies this and says I am the controlling one. He has no empathy and wxownxtbthe children to show no emotion. We have 4 children, 2 mine 2 ours. He treats them all with impatience but I do worry he is harder on the elder 2

Sorry ... expects the children to show

Been there op.
Wish I had left exh a lot lot sooner. .

I wouldn't favour chocolate just before bedtime, but the biscuits puzzle me. If you have no biscuit tin do you have to eat the whole packet in one sitting once it is open?

Do you parent his dc over his decisions? I bloody doubt it. .

Lol
No, this is a new thing, biscuit tin smashed about 2 years ago, I was working today and he went shopping, I think he didn't want DD to open them.
I bought the buttons on way home from work as a treat, they all had 10 each as a treat after dinner. When DD asked he immediately asked in a accusing way who had buttons, just DD? I replied no, all dc did for a treat.
DD was supposed to go to her dad tonight for weekend but didn't want to go so I said stay, it's her choice, he seemed to be really pissed off when he found out she hadn't gone, put out almost which is weird because other times he is good with them

Really I think if you ever have to ask the question you probably are better off alone. I dithered for years because he wasn't truly awful ltb material but we are better people and parents separately

Crossed post, what do you mean winter?

My feeling about the biscuits and chocolate buttons thing is that we weren't there and we can't know. There are two sides to every story. .. what he said sounds reasonable on the face of it (although I gave my two biscuits and even skittles in bed tonight because it's Friday). It does sound a bit like he was undermining you, but maybe he would say you were being too soft.

You have a bad feeling about all this, and it's hard to describe why to us over the Internet, in carefully reasoned paragraphs.

I had a similar thing recently, with a man I very nearly married. Little parenting decisions were undermined, and I soon lost my ability to tell the kids what to do, to have any credibility with them. Within a few weeks, all the parenting decisions were his, and I found myself trying to police a set of rules I didn't agree with and had no hand in setting up. It was horrible for the kids as well as me.

What do your friends think of your oh? What do your parents think of him? Have you read the red flags thread which is currently on the relationships board?

I've escaped two seriously abusive relationships now, so I'm completely paranoid and always think the worst. I hope that what you've got is just a 'normal' argument. Think carefully, and decide what is honestly best for the children.

Why was he questioning who had chocolate buttons? Does he think you always favour your dd? (Is he trying to make the other kids think this? )

Unless you have discussed you parenting each other's dc's he shouldn't be over ruling your parenting decisions.

I don't think he thinks I favour my DD, I actively ensure I treat all 4 of my dc fairly, I think he just wants that control.
We had a talk last night, he feels like I don't care about him or his feelings.
It's just so bloody complicated, I put the dc first, this may mean challenging him on some of his actions and he doesn't like it.
I think we are better off apart

Sounds like your dc would benefit from not having him around also. .

I think so too. He's just told me to fuck off and shouted at me that I'm selfish in front of them
I'm so tired of it, I need to muster the energy to go through with this. He won't go quietly

If you split again please don't take him back, this must be so confusing for your kids. He's a controlling bully and your obviously better off without him