Husband going out what's reasonable

[Londonmamabychance]

New post as too many typos in first one!

Okay, just trying to understand what people think is a reasonable way for husbands to behave. Know there is a wide range of what's considered acceptable in terms of going out, it just trying to see if I'm being a control maniac bitch, or if my husband is pushing it.

We have two kids, one almost 3 and one 8 months. Before the baby was born my husband would go out for beers almost every Friday night and I would stay home with our first child. I was often cross about it but let it pass as A) he works in an industry where networking and socialising is key to getting jobs and v much part of the culture B) I don't mind being home with the kids SO much, I often enjoy quiet evenings, but when it got too often I got enough of it.

Our baby had colic for the first three months and we had an absolute nightmare, I got depressed and had to go and stay with my parents for 1 month, now he's better but still a rubbish sleeper, so I'm still v tired all the time and struggling a bit to make everything run around, especially as we have no family in this country. In the beginning DH hardly went out, but since the baby is better (last two months) he has started wanting to go out almost every Friday. Not till crazy late, comes home like 10.30, but still, it leaves me to do dinner and bedtime alone. After a long day alone with the kids. So he went out last Friday, I said okay but come home 9.30 pls, he said okay but called at 9 and asked if he could come home at 10.30 as it was someone's birthday. I said okay and he came home at 11. We had a row - not so much because he was late but because of an unrelated issue. And then today he texts me and says do you mind if I go for one pint this night and come home at 9. I got super cross and told him no. I feel so sad and tired of telling him what to do. I don't want to be the strict controlling wife, but am so tired being stuck at home alone with the kids. I never go out and he's never alone with the kids. I can't leave baby with him as he's fully breastfed and v clingy as screams head off if I'm not there And just can't bear the thought of food that to the baby. Maybe once baby starts in nursery and becomes more independent I can go out a bit more, but as the situation is now I can't. Any thoughts and sharing own experiences much appreciated

I think him agreeing to every other week seems like a good compromise until your LO is less needy and you can have a night out yourself every week too.

Yes that's the thing, it's just not all so easy at the moment. I wish it was and I could be this cool, confident mum who said sure, whatever baby, go out and have fun! Sadly it's not how I feel at the moment.

Another by of backstory, to the posters who said would I mind if he went out for a hobby instead, no I wouldn't mind as much. Now it's just going to sound as if I'm trying to paint a bad image of DH, he is generally a good dad and husband and does pull his weight BUT he used to drink quite heavenly and come home much much later than promised and pissednoit if his mind, sometimes to black out stage. Not fun. So always worrying if he stays out past a fairly early curfew, he'll end up on the crazy piss and come home in the middle of the night or not at all and then be useless to kids next day and grumpy towards me.

So when is OPs one night a week off?
Why is it such an outrage to suggest that her husband scales back his boozing social life but apparently it's fine for her to have no downtime whatever?
Or have I time travelled to 1955 again?

My oh does the same OP. Says he will be home at nine then rolls in at 1 pissed as a fart.
Which is why I recommended forgetting curfews as they were setting us both up for a row. He is getting better on his own, your do obv responds to the curfew. Everyone is different.
Hopefully by Christmas your little one will be ready to let you get out for a meal and a load of wines with your friends.
I'm not great at writing on here in an advice kind of way but wanted to say I have been/am in the same boat! And hope you're ok.
Also a london mama 👋

@maxthemartian I don't think one person going out once a week means going back to the 1950's. It is obviously an issue for the OP and her circumstances. But the fact that i don't mind it doesn't mean I have no down time ever, it's just about balance

Ok, read the Op's last comment - is this about him going out generally not just about him going out on a Friday evening?

Wow he goes out one night a week. Tbh I can't see what the problems is everyone needs some them time or time to do what you like.
I do think it's only fair you get some you time too.
Maybe a few hours out after the baby is asleep would help?
My ex used to go out every night practically straight after work food & a shower I rather liked a bit of peace on a evening.

Sorry - I'd feel like I was in prison if I couldn't go out once a week and relationships aren't supposed to be a prison.

If it's only on Fridays you're not at home on your own all the time.

I agree with pp it's crucial you build in a similar window of time to do what you want, maybe a swim on Saturday mornings or meeting up with friend or whichever independent activity you enjoy.

My ex went out EVERY night and spent most of the weekend in bed.

He was an habitual cannabis user, destroyed my children’s childhoods. I despise him for that.

I think one night is fine if it’s reciprocated. Make sure it is equal, like other PP have said, this stage will pass and you can have a life too!

Do you have time to yourself during the day at weekends, or not at all?

Can't see a problem with one night a week. Really can't.
I also don't see why the OP doesn't do the same. Find something you want to do and do it. Even if it's just sitting in a cafe having a coffee. Go out. If the baby screams, the baby screams. You won't hear it if you're out. DH will have to figure it out. You need to give him the chance to otherwise your baby will ALWAYS be your excuse not to do something.

OP I don't have any depression issues and as mentioned I currently refuse to do solo bedtimes. I mean I could. But it's hard and I don't want to. But then neither does my husband so we do them together for this stage in our lives. I misread your first post & see you don't feel like you can go out at the moment. I can see you're needed for bedtime, but does the baby settle for a period post bedtime? What works for us is going out after bedtime. Could that be a possibility? Getting out the house to have a chat (read moan) to a friend in real life will probably help. Even if it's just for an hour.

Anyway some women either had really placid kids or just feel able to cope alone. I dont always cope and I'm still a really good mum if I don't say so myself. I bet you are too. It almost doesn't matter what we all say here. Because all our circumstances are different. The reality for you at the moment is you're finding it hard (because it is) you're in a partnership, and need support. It shouldn't all fall for on you by default. Could you say you're struggling and ask him to scale back to every other/once a month for a bit longer?

Also liked the coal face comment earlier.. hurrah for it getting easier!

Your husband should scale back his social life for this period of your lives.

Monthly rather than weekly for example.

It's shit being alone with the kids all week then being ditched every Friday night when you want to wind down and relax as a family.

I completely agree with SpareASquare

While one night a week isn't a lot, you aren't coping and your mental health is struggling. I would put it as only for a while. I would also consider him going out one of the 'home Fridays' IF he is home before a certain time to help with dinner and bed and then goes out after. Don't do a curfew , it will just make you mad at each other, and try to get over the part where you are sensitive about him out drinking compared to hobbies. However , I wouldn't do a curfew because I'm not his mum but that means if he is too drunk to do agreed activities and childcare in the morning he can't go out at all- that makes it his decision with consequences (i'm only laying this out as how to manage if he is binge drinking)

But you do need to go out even just for an hour. Baby has two parents at at 8 months dad has to be able to handle bedtime too. Yes it will be stressful but he will not get the hang of it if you agree that it's easier for you. It's not easier for you- you're on anti depressants because you've found it so hard. Baby will scream but baby is being cuddled by their dad, they need to grow that relationship from the sounds of it.

Baby will scream but baby is being cuddled by their dad, they need to grow that relationship from the sounds of it

Exactly.

This should be more about you gaining the down time you need and whilst they develop a father/baby relationship than cutting back his down time.

Once a week really isn't excessive for both of you to have some down time each. In fact more often would be better.

When DS1 was 8 months (also a terrible sleeper) sometimes I'd just go out to the cinema on my own for a couple of hours and blissfully sit in the dark in silence. No-one bothering me or needing anything.

Or maybe if you're really tired op your DH could take the kids out and you could stay home on your own for a sleep?

Whatever your thing is, carving out time to do it rather than both being stuck in at home all the time can really lift your mood.

If a woman was writing this about her husband you'd be told he was controlling and you shouldn't be asking for permission to go out.