Why do so many couples act like they don't like each other?

[Notears]

Is it because they actually don't?

My exh was like this. He was perfectly pleasant to the neighbours and the postman but he was grumpy and miserable with me and his family for that matter. In the end I didn't like him very much either.

I can't work out why you would choose someone as a partner and just not be pleasant and kind to them. I see so many threads on here where the op is being treated badly by their partner and a pp points out that their partner doesn't even like them.

Btw my ex left and after a year decided I wasn't that bad after all, declared undying love and wanted to move back in.

I can't really get my head round it.

You are always grumpiest with the ones you are closest too.

Yeah, when people show you their feelings and what they feel about you via their actions, believe them. If someone is regularly acting like they don't like you or want to be around you it's because they don't like you or want to be around you.

I think it's someone showing their true colours. When you really love, or even like, someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt their feelings or humiliate them.

They think that they're allowed, it's a free pass, there are no consequences, etc. It's disgusting.

My relationship is not like that at all and if I ever say that we don't argue and get along very well I get people laughing at me, saying that I must be lying, and to "just wait". I've also been accused of not loving DP because "arguing is a sign that you love each other more"

Ime many men treat their partners badly as a way to get the partner to dance attendance on them. It's a way to get their needs met, without them having to say what they need.

My ex was a massive sulker. I realize now, looking back, he's always been awful at asking for what he needs - huge fear of being rejected or humiliated by a partner saying no - so, when he'd have some kind of emotional thing he needed to ask for (e.g., I'm feeling depressed/shit, please treat me with tender loving care this evening) instead of just Using His Words, he'd strop and sulk and be shitty to me, and I'd run to placate him, and that would make him feel better.

This way he had a magic setup -
no asking for what he needs
so, no risking rejection
plus, by not stating the need, it meant that whatever I did, he could criticize as being "not quite the right thing" -
so he'd strop even more
and I'd try even harder, do more, give more, try a million things,
and he'd feel really important
and he'd get more and more emotional energy from me.
And so it would carry on. Him draining me of energy, me feeling eventually as if I were pouring all my love and devotion into a constantly flushing toilet.

It works really well for some people.

Personally I prefer not to be around those people.

I would hate this. My DH is a naturally grumpy bastard but takes a moment to stop and think if he's in a bad mood and avoids taking it out on us. In the early days I would be on the receiving end of his grumps; I told him it hurt me, he hadn't realised and now he moderates his behaviour - as do I. That's just what you do if you love and care for someone.

I think obviously your partner gets the best and worst of you but I think when you see people on a day-to-day basis just be unpleasant you do wonder why they are together.

I have a friend whose DP treats her like crap on a day-to-day basis but he treats her on her birthday and at Christmas so it's all fine apparently

I agree there that your partner gets the best and worst of you but with my ex it was random strangers who got the best of him and the people closest to him who got it in the neck.

I think it's more than being grumpy to those closest to you.

I had a relationship with a man who was lovely was supportive and encouraging and affectionate in short bursts. And then he withdrew for a twice as long as I 'had' him. MY PARENTS WERE LIKE THIS

My friend's DH always behaves appallingly towards her when other people are around. He's rude, belittles her and tries to get the other people to gang up on her. I've always refused to play along and have privately asked her if she is OK with it. She has said she is fine and she can hold her own, so I guess it's their dynamic.

DH and I are very bantery and tease each other a lot, both alone and in company - it's all fine and we are happy with it, but a couple of times my parents have made comments that they think we argue all the time and asked if everything is OK because they've misunderstood.

The point is that we do it as equals. If one of us was doing it constantly against the other and it was things that were deliberately hurtful or undermining, that would be different.

I think you should be able to be grumpy sometimes, to be sad, happy, irritated, with those closest to you. Minor arguments.

I also think you should treat them better than anyone else in your life too. Not put them down. Demean them. Be sarcastic.

My Ex dresses better and is nicest to his friends when socialising. That always made me feel second best tbh